(no subject)
how can someone that has barely ever been in your life, mean so much to you? I dont understand it, i never got it. I never grasped the emotion of it all. I didnt think that, out of no where, you could just get this sudden emotion, this sudden emptiness in your heart. I felt that today. And it was so strong, i didnt know what else to do, so i cried a little, went up and told him i loved him. He loves me too. That sure as heck filled my empty space. Even tho we dont really talk, i want to sit there and make sure he kknows i love him. i wnat to take care of him and make srue that he knows that i am there for him. And that NONE of us want what we know is coming. When i was watching him, i just cried, i could tell when he was having trouble breathing, his stomache like twitched, Hes on lotsa meds tho. I couldnt really take watching him for so long because it made me cry. He said thank you to me. I dont know why but those were so compfoting and just make me like. whoa. like.. i just felt so appreciated, I dont know if that was him, or the drugs, but it still was nice to hear. I had to watch tv for like 15 mins, i couldnt watch him like this. I mean this was a good day i was told. I cant imagine how hard this must be on my mom and my aunts n uncles.. like wow.. My mom just made peace with him, and hes going to be gone soon. I know thats the way the cookie crumbles, but i didnt know that itd ever crumble so close to home, u know? I dont want to make my mom worry about anything right now. Im so scared of screwing up around her now, because i just want her to be happy. Im scared, i know that my mom isnt an alcoholic but, alcohalisms in my family,(look at my grandpa) and my family has to drinkk to be calm. Totally understandable in a situation like this but i hope it doesnt become a habbit. im just worry too much right now i know. And its stressing me out. I hate it because my soccers stressing me out, my aunt got so stressed out that she might be going into premature brith, and shes only 5 months pregnant, and my grandpas probably (i hope not) going to die within like 2 weeks to a month, my soccer, i have to run so fucking much for it, and its soo hard on me because i cant do it and i know i cant and i have to not stop running but thats soo hard. AHHH!!!!!! then i dont wanna be all depressed like this at school, so i gotta be happy, amandas confusing me and making me so mad right now u dont even get it, i miss nicki and steffie SOOO much right now, i have to miss my next school soccer tryouts, i probably wont make it then fuck. then jens going all depressed emo on me saying that she doesnt matter and we dont care about her and i do but im so tired of trying to console her that i have just given up and i feel horrible about it and so much more. oh ya, and half of my present to calum got ruined. for good reason, i didnt have time to do it seeing as i was at the hospital all day but still. i feel horrible because i wanted to make it for him and it woulda just been fun cuz it was gonna be me n my mom, and i feel horrible cuz thats sooo selfish. i hate being me sometimes. sorry for bitching but i dont know where else to do it, so ya.bye.
krystle
krystle