"Something about Lynn and porn..."
Today was alright. I feel kinda empty lately, but I'm functioning. But just barely.
Last day of work today. I fucking love that place. Maaan.
I got this killer papercut under my nail, typing kills. Thought you should know.
I'm kinda worried about tomorrow. First day I get to come home and not have to keep myself under control. I'm afraid of what might happen. I mean what happened Tuesday...and I had to go to work...like it's getting back to avoiding and ignoring responsibility because it's just too strong.
I'm fucking...really sick. For as much as I always always always complain about it I never actually realized. I always kinda thought like okay no big deal. But the combination is just killer. I don't know how I'm still here, I don't. It's as if life's been giving me these not so subtle hints to just DIE but I...I won't. I want so badly just to live. But I'm so afraid that maybe I never will. I don't want to die, but I'm afraid I may have to? I just kinda wish I could know, stop wasting time, you know? Know if I should work harder or just give up. Will hard work get me anywhere? So far it hasn't. I haven't stopped working, pushing myself so far past the limit and it's got me drained...
...and I'm going backwards for all of this. Is that...right? I can't be doing it right but what more can I do? I can't try any harder! Like man I know I don't ever shut up but I'm really going to try to change, if not internally, on the outside. I think if I seem happy, I just might be. Or, if I can't make myself happy, I might as well be able to make other people happy, right? Yeah. So...we'll see.
So yeah, I don't know. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or think or how to act or what...I don't know anything anymore. And the pain I've been feeling lately, I just... I don't know. It's too much. And I don't know I'm afraid to fall into that false seclusion thing...and that makes everything so much worse. Seclusion drives me crazy...anyone, really. I DON'T KNOW MAN...I just find it kinda sad that even my own best friend doesn't realize how badly I've been doing lately. Past month or 2. Everyone thinks I'm fine, or even I'm happy...
...but I feel worse than I ever have. I think it's just sad.
Okay. That's enough.
Later.
Last day of work today. I fucking love that place. Maaan.
I got this killer papercut under my nail, typing kills. Thought you should know.
I'm kinda worried about tomorrow. First day I get to come home and not have to keep myself under control. I'm afraid of what might happen. I mean what happened Tuesday...and I had to go to work...like it's getting back to avoiding and ignoring responsibility because it's just too strong.
I'm fucking...really sick. For as much as I always always always complain about it I never actually realized. I always kinda thought like okay no big deal. But the combination is just killer. I don't know how I'm still here, I don't. It's as if life's been giving me these not so subtle hints to just DIE but I...I won't. I want so badly just to live. But I'm so afraid that maybe I never will. I don't want to die, but I'm afraid I may have to? I just kinda wish I could know, stop wasting time, you know? Know if I should work harder or just give up. Will hard work get me anywhere? So far it hasn't. I haven't stopped working, pushing myself so far past the limit and it's got me drained...
...and I'm going backwards for all of this. Is that...right? I can't be doing it right but what more can I do? I can't try any harder! Like man I know I don't ever shut up but I'm really going to try to change, if not internally, on the outside. I think if I seem happy, I just might be. Or, if I can't make myself happy, I might as well be able to make other people happy, right? Yeah. So...we'll see.
So yeah, I don't know. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or think or how to act or what...I don't know anything anymore. And the pain I've been feeling lately, I just... I don't know. It's too much. And I don't know I'm afraid to fall into that false seclusion thing...and that makes everything so much worse. Seclusion drives me crazy...anyone, really. I DON'T KNOW MAN...I just find it kinda sad that even my own best friend doesn't realize how badly I've been doing lately. Past month or 2. Everyone thinks I'm fine, or even I'm happy...
...but I feel worse than I ever have. I think it's just sad.
Okay. That's enough.
Later.