For when I push you away!
I always become deeply depressed when anyone shows the slightest bit of interest in me. I see that now. Maybe its because I find myself so repulsive. In the end, everyone leaves anyways. In the end, they finally see that I was telling the truth. I'm not speaking out of my ass, I don't lie, so why question these words now? Its hard seeing that look over and over and over again. The one where they realize how much time they wasted, how much of their life just flew by with nothing to show for it. That's the hardest part, seeing that look flash across their faces. People are meant to fight, to try and contradict. But evidence proves that to try and contradict me is a futile effort. What will you have to show for it but a bruised ego and a battered disposition? I push people away. I know I do. Its self preservation and selfishness. And no, I do not believe it is a problem or an issue. It works out just fine for me. I'm living in whats seems to be a sort of detached reality and I'm not going to lie, I prefer it. I prefer it over the emo idiosyncrasies that would become me, that wait for me at the other end of the hall. I like my world and the protection it offers me, so to sit and anticipate that I would abandon it is honestly pointless. I've never fully opened up to anyone. It doesn't matter how close you are to me and it doesn't matter how much I trust you or love you, noone will ever know me. I've been hurt way too many times to let anyone ever get that close again. So for now, I will push until everyone is at arms length. I will push until I can breathe with relief that I am still intact.