(no subject)
MOOD? somber. contemplative. indecisive. withdrawn from life. a burden.
it's ironic. my roommate and i are finally getting along again. for the most part at least.
however, my life seems to be in shambles.
i feel as if my happiness is secluded to individual moments.
when i look at my life as a whole, i am not happy.
people think i am though because of my "happy moments".
right now there are just a couple people other than my family that i know that i can count on at all times. i have friends yes. but i dont necessarily trust them. or dont feel that i can go to them with my problems. they dont really know me. i might be somewhat of an open book, but they still dont really know my life and just WHO I AM in general. maybe i feel as if they have their own life and their own things to worry about.
i feel inadequate.
inadequate to their lives. inadequate in my life. inadequate to fulfill what i set myself out to do: become a professinoal photographer. i am so lost in my life right now. so much has happened in the past six or so months that it has drained me of my passion. my desire. ambition. drive. it has just drained me dry. i feel inadequate to people's needs including my own.
if i do not set forth and push myself to continue in this direction of life that i made for myself, what WILL i do? i have no money. no real place to live here. i dont want to move but if i dont go to school here, i am forced to. and then what do i do? work at old navy? yes, that sounds nice and fun for the time being but it is not a career. i cannot live off of that. it is completely unpractical. go to a different school? why should that work when i cant even manage with art school? ship myself back to either texas or california where i KNOW that i will be unhappy. even moreso than now.
my life seems to be such a dilemma. one that is only taking more of a toll on me. im falling back into my hole of depression where i dont do anything. i just sleep all day. become a hermit. once in awhile venture off to see people and then feel either unwanted or once again, inadequate and decide to leave and crawl right back into my hole.
when elisabeth is here, yes, i actually do stuff. but she can't be here all of the time. and when she is, we might be having fun, but i am not accomplishing anything.
right now, i know only one thing that i will not change my mind about wanting to do in my life. a life-long job. which is becoming a mother. but i know that i am not ready for that yet. so what do i do until then? where is life trying to take me? what is God telling me? what is your plan for me Lord? i wish that i knew. or at least felt that i had a place in this world.
it's ironic. my roommate and i are finally getting along again. for the most part at least.
however, my life seems to be in shambles.
i feel as if my happiness is secluded to individual moments.
when i look at my life as a whole, i am not happy.
people think i am though because of my "happy moments".
right now there are just a couple people other than my family that i know that i can count on at all times. i have friends yes. but i dont necessarily trust them. or dont feel that i can go to them with my problems. they dont really know me. i might be somewhat of an open book, but they still dont really know my life and just WHO I AM in general. maybe i feel as if they have their own life and their own things to worry about.
i feel inadequate.
inadequate to their lives. inadequate in my life. inadequate to fulfill what i set myself out to do: become a professinoal photographer. i am so lost in my life right now. so much has happened in the past six or so months that it has drained me of my passion. my desire. ambition. drive. it has just drained me dry. i feel inadequate to people's needs including my own.
if i do not set forth and push myself to continue in this direction of life that i made for myself, what WILL i do? i have no money. no real place to live here. i dont want to move but if i dont go to school here, i am forced to. and then what do i do? work at old navy? yes, that sounds nice and fun for the time being but it is not a career. i cannot live off of that. it is completely unpractical. go to a different school? why should that work when i cant even manage with art school? ship myself back to either texas or california where i KNOW that i will be unhappy. even moreso than now.
my life seems to be such a dilemma. one that is only taking more of a toll on me. im falling back into my hole of depression where i dont do anything. i just sleep all day. become a hermit. once in awhile venture off to see people and then feel either unwanted or once again, inadequate and decide to leave and crawl right back into my hole.
when elisabeth is here, yes, i actually do stuff. but she can't be here all of the time. and when she is, we might be having fun, but i am not accomplishing anything.
right now, i know only one thing that i will not change my mind about wanting to do in my life. a life-long job. which is becoming a mother. but i know that i am not ready for that yet. so what do i do until then? where is life trying to take me? what is God telling me? what is your plan for me Lord? i wish that i knew. or at least felt that i had a place in this world.