So it's been a long time...
I almost forgot I had one of these because I've been so consumed with MySpace. I read a few of the old entries and I felt really happy that I had been writing in here so I could go back and read what I was thinking when I was going through a few things in my life that were hard for me. My decision to quit school, the break up I went through... it's crazy to think that was actually over a year ago.
So now I wish I had been keeping this ever since then. So much more has happened that I wish I could go back and recollect. How I was feeling when I met Andy, how I felt when our families had the fight, the way I felt about him then compared to how I feel about him now. The fact that I don't even know why anymore but I lost my best friend over something stupid that I can't even remember anymore. Something I probably should've just dropped so I could've at least been a decent friend to someone.. but for some reason I like to push people away from me somtimes so there is only a couple people I have to deal with and she was just one that I decided to push away after 7 years, and now I feel like I owe her an apology for ending things the way I did without even talking to her about why I never wanted to speak to her again, but I have no idea when or if I will ever even give her one. Ha I mean my whole life has done a 180 since the last time I wrote in here.. it's amazing what a little time will do. I'm in love with my boyfriend of over a year, my brother doesn't speak to me, I quit Eckerd and got a job at an urgent care as a receptionist, worked there for a year this July, and my last day will be July 3rd because I honestly think I will lose my mind if I spend anymore of my time there. I have no job lined up and I'm not even worried about it because I need to take a little time off to relax and think about my next move.
Everything is crazy. I'm not unhappy. But I'm not happy either. There are maybe 2 things I actually feel content about right now and it's been that way for a while. I feel happy about the way Andy feels about me, and I feel happy about the way I feel about him. I have no happy feelings towards the job I've worked at and I'm not necessarily happy about the relationship between my brother and me, but I am content with the relationship between my mother and me for the most part but I don't like the fact that there is no relationship between her and Andrew. My life would be much more at ease and much more enjoyable for me if the only two people I feel like I even need anymore spoke to each other. Hopefully once I find a job I like or somehow find my passion or my meaning in life I will feel content about my future and my career too. I am not happy about the way I act half of the time. I am not happy about the way I treat others or myself, and I am not happy about the lack of motivation I continue to have. I know eventually I will figure out how to manage being an adult. I'll be able to take care of myself the way I need to, I'll be able to manage my time and make everyone in my life feel like they are getting their fair share of me and I will be organized and successful and I will take good care of Andy and make him feel like the deserving "king of the castle" (hahaha) that he is. I have no idea where I'm going with this.
I guess I pretty much want just a few things.
-A job that I love
-Andy's family and my family to have some sort of communication
-To be able to take care of myself and be able to handle the responsibilities I have as an adult.
-I want to build a better relationship with God, considering I pray to Him and ask Him for His help but give him pretty much nothing in return.
-I want a life again.
Can't I just be superwoman or something?
I really hope I keep up with this this time...