Just thoughts I guess...
So I was up until almost 3 last night. I couldn't sleep for anything. For some reason my pillows helped me a lot last night. First I beat the shit out of them and threw them around.. and then I was so tired from doing that for so long that I just cried into them until I fell asleep. I don't understand my life right now.
I got up at about 11:45 this morning and made a pot of coffee and watched TV. Got ready for the day at about 1 and went out with Megan after she got home from her classes. We had an absolute riot. I needed today so badly. We went to CNS to see some old teachers... they were all so happy to see us! Hehe.. we saw Mrs. Thowdis first.. she was our History teacher in our junior year... really one of the only liberals I ever got along with. Then we went and saw Mrs. Ware.. basically a sewing teacher haha. She kind of annoyed me. Everyone thinks I should go back to school. But then I went to Mrs. Patterson.. and she gave me the biggest bear hug. I told her what I was up to.. and all she said I should be doing is taking voice lessons again. She didn't say anything about going back to school. She just thinks I need to get experience.. join some kind of performance type deal. I need to do something. Idk.. anyway so we wandered about the halls of high school.. and it was wierd. I just kinda realized how much I sorta missed being a kid. Being a kid was so much easier. Now it's like ever since graduation.. things are just wierd.
Anyway so after that we went to Tully's and ate.. good times. I got the Tully's tender dinner with extra honey mustard. I couldn't finish 3 of them.. and then I kinda just realized that the person who usually eats my left overs.. well.
Anyway.
So then we went to Wal-Mart. Ever since this whole thing.. um.. yeah.. this thing.. um I've been wanting to shop. It makes me feel better or something. Like "Oh are you upset Rita? Here buy yourself a present!" So.. I bought myself a really cute vintage t-shirt that's red and has the coca-cola logo on it.. and I bought a pair of really nice black goucho pants. And an issue of Cosmo.. There was this boy Julian who Megan knows from school who works there.. and he wicked liked her.. you can just tell. He followed us around the store. Haha...
Then we went back to her house... took some really ridiculously funny photos.. and I went home.
Now I'm here after my day with my best friend, which I really needed.. and I'm just thinking.
That fun show American Inventor is on soon. I'm gonna watch it.
Annnd.. There are just so many things that I wanna do with myself. I wanna sing. But some days I wanna be famous and some days I just wanna sing in my shower. I wanna be a mom and a wife one day. But some days I want it in 10 years.. and some days I want it well maybe sooner. Some days I'm ok without you and I put on a huge smile like nothing inside me is broken. But there are other days when you can see right through me.. I look dead and hurt. And the world can tell that everything inside me is broken. Some days I wanna work at Eckerd and never leave. Some days... I wanna go make a ton of money doing some awesome and leaving Eckerd behind. Some days I wish I liked school more so I could go back. Some days I'm so happy I don't have to be forced to go through that crap anymore.
After graduation... it felt like I just became this adult. And I don't know if I was prepared for it. I feel like I just never had my heart set on a certain career. I never had any real passions. The only one that I did ever have a passion for well... sometimes doesn't even appeal to me... and I don't know why. It's like I just have no motivation to try anything by myself. Idk... wow this entry got really thrown off course. It went from my wonderful day with Megan to all this. See this is what my brain does now. It doesn't make sense anymore. I need to make it make sense. I need a new plan. But I need to live and take this one day at a time.. and pray. And hopefully.. everything will just work out for the best... :/
I got up at about 11:45 this morning and made a pot of coffee and watched TV. Got ready for the day at about 1 and went out with Megan after she got home from her classes. We had an absolute riot. I needed today so badly. We went to CNS to see some old teachers... they were all so happy to see us! Hehe.. we saw Mrs. Thowdis first.. she was our History teacher in our junior year... really one of the only liberals I ever got along with. Then we went and saw Mrs. Ware.. basically a sewing teacher haha. She kind of annoyed me. Everyone thinks I should go back to school. But then I went to Mrs. Patterson.. and she gave me the biggest bear hug. I told her what I was up to.. and all she said I should be doing is taking voice lessons again. She didn't say anything about going back to school. She just thinks I need to get experience.. join some kind of performance type deal. I need to do something. Idk.. anyway so we wandered about the halls of high school.. and it was wierd. I just kinda realized how much I sorta missed being a kid. Being a kid was so much easier. Now it's like ever since graduation.. things are just wierd.
Anyway so after that we went to Tully's and ate.. good times. I got the Tully's tender dinner with extra honey mustard. I couldn't finish 3 of them.. and then I kinda just realized that the person who usually eats my left overs.. well.
Anyway.
So then we went to Wal-Mart. Ever since this whole thing.. um.. yeah.. this thing.. um I've been wanting to shop. It makes me feel better or something. Like "Oh are you upset Rita? Here buy yourself a present!" So.. I bought myself a really cute vintage t-shirt that's red and has the coca-cola logo on it.. and I bought a pair of really nice black goucho pants. And an issue of Cosmo.. There was this boy Julian who Megan knows from school who works there.. and he wicked liked her.. you can just tell. He followed us around the store. Haha...
Then we went back to her house... took some really ridiculously funny photos.. and I went home.
Now I'm here after my day with my best friend, which I really needed.. and I'm just thinking.
That fun show American Inventor is on soon. I'm gonna watch it.
Annnd.. There are just so many things that I wanna do with myself. I wanna sing. But some days I wanna be famous and some days I just wanna sing in my shower. I wanna be a mom and a wife one day. But some days I want it in 10 years.. and some days I want it well maybe sooner. Some days I'm ok without you and I put on a huge smile like nothing inside me is broken. But there are other days when you can see right through me.. I look dead and hurt. And the world can tell that everything inside me is broken. Some days I wanna work at Eckerd and never leave. Some days... I wanna go make a ton of money doing some awesome and leaving Eckerd behind. Some days I wish I liked school more so I could go back. Some days I'm so happy I don't have to be forced to go through that crap anymore.
After graduation... it felt like I just became this adult. And I don't know if I was prepared for it. I feel like I just never had my heart set on a certain career. I never had any real passions. The only one that I did ever have a passion for well... sometimes doesn't even appeal to me... and I don't know why. It's like I just have no motivation to try anything by myself. Idk... wow this entry got really thrown off course. It went from my wonderful day with Megan to all this. See this is what my brain does now. It doesn't make sense anymore. I need to make it make sense. I need a new plan. But I need to live and take this one day at a time.. and pray. And hopefully.. everything will just work out for the best... :/