I'd really appreciate it if you'd SHUT THE FUCK UP
Seeing as I am the queen of randomly publicized posts, and this one is going to hit and miss with a few people, I figure it's time for yet another post that is meant for a few people that will never get read by anyone.
Here goes nothing:
Lately, I am beginning to notice this abundance of people that continue to come in and out of my life. Many people that I haven't spoken to in ages are coming out of the woodwork to either A) apologize for shitty things that they have done to me, B) are attempting to recreate friendship structures because well, truth be told, it's been a while too long, or C) must be attempting in some foul way to irritate the shit out of me. To those attempting to apologize to me: you're too fucking late. I gave up on trying to maintain this thought in my brain that people don't really know what they're doing until they realize it hurts someone too much. I'm done with worrying about you and the useless apologies you have for me. So just leave me alone. To those trying to rebuild friendships: thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me to know you still think of me, and you still want me in your life. You are the reason for my living. To those trying to piss me off: it isn't going to work. You might as well not waste my time or yours. I don't deal with anger and buttons being pushed like I used to. I let those things go a long time ago, when I realized that it was slowly killing me inside. I don't care what you say about me, or what you try to do to ruin my life. It doesn't bother me, and it never will. GIVE IT THE FUCK UP.
I also notice this phenomenon of boys that sway my opinions of them every single fucking day. I go through love-hate relationships with almost every single male friend I have, with the obvious exclusion of a few. I don't just mean friends, friends here either. I also mean the boys that I have feelings for, little or lots. I begin to like these boys because of the way they present themselves. They seem to be heaven sent, nothing better, and the next day, I want to fucking kill them. If this is the way men (boys) are going to be for the rest of my life, I'll pass. I'd rather be a lesbian or celibate. I would rather begin to figure out ways to asexually reproduce than deal with this shit for the rest of my life. I have too much to worry about than attempting to impress people. (more below)
I've decided that I am pretty and smart and talented regardless of what everyone else and their mother thinks. I know that there are sides to me that need to be worked on, but then again, who doesn't? But I also realized that there is nothing wrong with me physically or mentally. I am fairly healthy, have decent teeth, my eyes aren't crooked, and I don't look like I just walked out of an exploding MAC plant. I wear clothes that fit and flatter my body, I wear makeup that looks nice, but not overdone, and I don't try too hard. I know people think I'm annoying, I'm ugly, I'm fat, but hey, so are they. Different strokes for different folks. I am damn sure that there are so many people in this world that know me that would kill to be me for a day. To do the things that I've done, to see the things that I've seen, to go the places I've gone with the people that I've gone there with.
I also don't care about being a tom boy anymore. Fuck you if you think for one fucking second that I am going to change the way I look, dress or act because it isn't "feminine" enough. I do the following: burp, fart, poop, masturbate, spit, smoke, drink, curse, watch porn, pick my nose, drool while i sleep, hardly ever brush my hair, say obnoxious things, play video games, like computers, like getting dirty, like bugs, like snakes, and don't wash my jeans more than 4 times a year. Call me crazy, call me disgusting, call me a pig, call me whatever the fuck you want, but don't think for one second that I don't know you do all of those things. Every single person in this fucking world has picked their nose at least once, farted at least once, burped at least a thousand times, and if you can find me one person that has never said "shit" at least once, I will give you a medal of honor.
I listen to good music because I listen to everything. I'm so tired of this "categorizing" music thing. I don't fucking care if you start calling Limp Bizkit "hardcore." It's fucking music. Get over yourselves. I like Glassjaw, Godspeed You Black Emperor, The Black Dahlia Murder, Streetlight Manifesto, Nick Drake and Ashlee Simpson. They are all completely different kinds of music, and you know something? All of it is good, and I like all of it equally the same. I don't care if you don't think I'm "scene" because I like Ashlee Simpson. I don't like you anyway, then. I don't care if you think I'm lame because I like ska. I have always liked it, and I always will. It has never died in my eyes, if anything, it's just gotten better. People do a funny thing when it comes to music and other people: they lie to themselves. We'd all be much better off if you'd stop being a dick, and just opened up your mind. K?
I am an insomniac, I am manic depressive, and I lie sometimes. We all have our hangups, but I'm smart enough to admit them. You aren't going to be burned at the stake if you sometimes can't sleep, throw up your lunch, shout random things out loud, or simply lie sometimes. We all do it, and we've all done it at least once. If you tell me you've never lied, I have every right to punch you in the fucking nose.
I will no longer be everyone's martyr. I'm done sacrificing myself so someone else can have a moment of dignity. Don't like it? Too fucking bad.
I'm not a bitch. I know what I want, and I know how to get it. I try to do it the honest way, but sometimes, you need to be persistant and know your way around the system. I just happen to know that way around.
I know I'm overweight but: newsflash! I walk places when the temperature isn't -45 degrees. I don't sit on my ass and chew on snacks and play video games all day (ok, I do that, but you know what I mean) and bitch about my ass. I try to do something about it, like everyone else should. For example: Today (well, now, yesterday) was March 7th. At 8 p.m., it was 59 degrees. That is plenty warm enough to throw on a light jacket and some pants and go for a walk. So I did just that. I took advantage of the fact that it was nice out for a change. What do I see though, on my walk? TONS of kids that live in my building taking the trolley or the bus. These same people who are constantly bitching about excercise. These same people who need it about 10 times more than I do. But today, seeing as it's rediculously cold and snowy, these kids will all be complaining about the cold, and how they don't want to walk so they're going to take the bus. You lazy fucking assholes. Give me one day with you, and you will never open your fucking mouth about walking in the cold again.
I don't drink coffee. I like cigarettes. I don't want to drink anymore. Drugs are stupid. Sex would be nice once in a while. Being cuddled and kissed would be even nicer. I don't want a boyfriend, I want a friend. I want someone to understand the complexities of human life and relationships. I want someone to watch Garden State with me who will laugh at the things I laugh at. I want someone to philosophize with me, then kiss me on the cheek and say "goodnight" and really mean "have a good night." I want people to say "well" instead of "good" when appropriate, and I want people to learn the difference between the following:
to, two, too ... there, they're, there ... our, hour ... one, won ... hear, here ...
How to properly spell and/or use the following:
please, thank you, you're welcome, I'm sorry
Elaborate words such as:
be right back, I'm joking, Just kidding.
I want 16 year old girls to stop lurking the internet and get a real hobby that they'll need sometime later in life. Stop signing onto MySpace and start reading a book. I could suggest a few titles for you if you aren't sure what to read. I remember being 16 and not doing half of the things these girls today are doing. I didn't dress up and take pictures that make me look rediculous, I didn't lie about my age, I didn't comment on 20 year old guys by saying "omfgz, yr so hottt!1!!!!" and I certainly didn't disrespect people at shows. I see a lot of these younger kids now going to shows and being very rude. I may not be tall, but I've been to about 300 shows more than you, and I can out dance you, and could probably kick the shit out of you with one hand tied behind my back. Please don't make me do it; I don't want to go to jail.
I also see a lot of younger kids getting piercings and tattoos because "they're cool." They won't be fucking cool when in 10 years you have HUGE scars all over the place because you can't take care of your shit. I got most of mine done young, and did what I was supposed to. Thats why I keep getting piercings. Then again, I'm also 19 years old and know right from wrong. I wash my ass every single day, I don't pick my nose if I haven't recently washed my hands, and I take vitamins to insure that I don't get sick. I also wear more than a fucking tank top and mini skirt outside in the middle of winter. I like my winter coat, and I think because it's made of little piggies, it makes me cooler.
I don't, however, like eating meat. I was happier vegetarian, however, being broke and not having the town you live in be vegetarian friendly, it's difficult to pick up the lifestyle again. I would very much like to, but unfortunately, because Pittsburgh is very "meat and potatoes and light beer" centered, it's difficult to buy tofu and organic foods. So to that, I say "when I move to a better place, or have more money, I will no longer eat meat." Until then, however, I will continue to eat steak and like it.
I like reading books. I like cleaning. I like cooking. I like doing laundry. I don't like when people tell me they "heart" me. I like when people tell me they don't like being assholes because they care how I feel. I like when people make me laugh. I like when people try to tickle me, even though I'm not ticklish. I like when people complement my tattoos. I like when people remember me for me.
I don't like people that were supposed to be my best friend, and completely have forgotten I existed. Sarah, I'm still alive. I still had a nineteenth birthday that you seemed to completely forget about. I remembered every single one of your birthdays for the past nine years. I think you've remembered about three of mine. Do me a favor, and if you can't remember I exist all the time, forget I exist all together. It would make it easier for me to understand my real circle of friends.
And on a similar note: Thank you Kate for being there for me at all times. You have stuck by me and have done more for me than most people do. For that, I will always be grateful to you, and will always appreciate every single thing you do
I like to lurk livejournals of people I don't really like, or don't really like me. It helps me get a little insight on why I don't like them, or why they don't like. But here's a thought: If you don't like me or the things I do, why do you feel the need to talk so much about me? Do I bother you that much? Do I fascinate you that much? Why is it that you have nothing better to do than talk about me? I'm flattered and all, but that isn't nessacary.
And to end this little story, novel, whatever, I would like to formally say that because no one reads this journal, and I partially made it to keep people informed about me, unless I get some kind of indication that people are understanding who I am, I will no longer be on LiveJournal. I have more important things to do than to try and communicate to people who don't want to communicate with me. I will leave this up for a week, and if by then, nothing happens, good-fucking-bye LiveJournal.
Goodnight.
Here goes nothing:
Lately, I am beginning to notice this abundance of people that continue to come in and out of my life. Many people that I haven't spoken to in ages are coming out of the woodwork to either A) apologize for shitty things that they have done to me, B) are attempting to recreate friendship structures because well, truth be told, it's been a while too long, or C) must be attempting in some foul way to irritate the shit out of me. To those attempting to apologize to me: you're too fucking late. I gave up on trying to maintain this thought in my brain that people don't really know what they're doing until they realize it hurts someone too much. I'm done with worrying about you and the useless apologies you have for me. So just leave me alone. To those trying to rebuild friendships: thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me to know you still think of me, and you still want me in your life. You are the reason for my living. To those trying to piss me off: it isn't going to work. You might as well not waste my time or yours. I don't deal with anger and buttons being pushed like I used to. I let those things go a long time ago, when I realized that it was slowly killing me inside. I don't care what you say about me, or what you try to do to ruin my life. It doesn't bother me, and it never will. GIVE IT THE FUCK UP.
I also notice this phenomenon of boys that sway my opinions of them every single fucking day. I go through love-hate relationships with almost every single male friend I have, with the obvious exclusion of a few. I don't just mean friends, friends here either. I also mean the boys that I have feelings for, little or lots. I begin to like these boys because of the way they present themselves. They seem to be heaven sent, nothing better, and the next day, I want to fucking kill them. If this is the way men (boys) are going to be for the rest of my life, I'll pass. I'd rather be a lesbian or celibate. I would rather begin to figure out ways to asexually reproduce than deal with this shit for the rest of my life. I have too much to worry about than attempting to impress people. (more below)
I've decided that I am pretty and smart and talented regardless of what everyone else and their mother thinks. I know that there are sides to me that need to be worked on, but then again, who doesn't? But I also realized that there is nothing wrong with me physically or mentally. I am fairly healthy, have decent teeth, my eyes aren't crooked, and I don't look like I just walked out of an exploding MAC plant. I wear clothes that fit and flatter my body, I wear makeup that looks nice, but not overdone, and I don't try too hard. I know people think I'm annoying, I'm ugly, I'm fat, but hey, so are they. Different strokes for different folks. I am damn sure that there are so many people in this world that know me that would kill to be me for a day. To do the things that I've done, to see the things that I've seen, to go the places I've gone with the people that I've gone there with.
I also don't care about being a tom boy anymore. Fuck you if you think for one fucking second that I am going to change the way I look, dress or act because it isn't "feminine" enough. I do the following: burp, fart, poop, masturbate, spit, smoke, drink, curse, watch porn, pick my nose, drool while i sleep, hardly ever brush my hair, say obnoxious things, play video games, like computers, like getting dirty, like bugs, like snakes, and don't wash my jeans more than 4 times a year. Call me crazy, call me disgusting, call me a pig, call me whatever the fuck you want, but don't think for one second that I don't know you do all of those things. Every single person in this fucking world has picked their nose at least once, farted at least once, burped at least a thousand times, and if you can find me one person that has never said "shit" at least once, I will give you a medal of honor.
I listen to good music because I listen to everything. I'm so tired of this "categorizing" music thing. I don't fucking care if you start calling Limp Bizkit "hardcore." It's fucking music. Get over yourselves. I like Glassjaw, Godspeed You Black Emperor, The Black Dahlia Murder, Streetlight Manifesto, Nick Drake and Ashlee Simpson. They are all completely different kinds of music, and you know something? All of it is good, and I like all of it equally the same. I don't care if you don't think I'm "scene" because I like Ashlee Simpson. I don't like you anyway, then. I don't care if you think I'm lame because I like ska. I have always liked it, and I always will. It has never died in my eyes, if anything, it's just gotten better. People do a funny thing when it comes to music and other people: they lie to themselves. We'd all be much better off if you'd stop being a dick, and just opened up your mind. K?
I am an insomniac, I am manic depressive, and I lie sometimes. We all have our hangups, but I'm smart enough to admit them. You aren't going to be burned at the stake if you sometimes can't sleep, throw up your lunch, shout random things out loud, or simply lie sometimes. We all do it, and we've all done it at least once. If you tell me you've never lied, I have every right to punch you in the fucking nose.
I will no longer be everyone's martyr. I'm done sacrificing myself so someone else can have a moment of dignity. Don't like it? Too fucking bad.
I'm not a bitch. I know what I want, and I know how to get it. I try to do it the honest way, but sometimes, you need to be persistant and know your way around the system. I just happen to know that way around.
I know I'm overweight but: newsflash! I walk places when the temperature isn't -45 degrees. I don't sit on my ass and chew on snacks and play video games all day (ok, I do that, but you know what I mean) and bitch about my ass. I try to do something about it, like everyone else should. For example: Today (well, now, yesterday) was March 7th. At 8 p.m., it was 59 degrees. That is plenty warm enough to throw on a light jacket and some pants and go for a walk. So I did just that. I took advantage of the fact that it was nice out for a change. What do I see though, on my walk? TONS of kids that live in my building taking the trolley or the bus. These same people who are constantly bitching about excercise. These same people who need it about 10 times more than I do. But today, seeing as it's rediculously cold and snowy, these kids will all be complaining about the cold, and how they don't want to walk so they're going to take the bus. You lazy fucking assholes. Give me one day with you, and you will never open your fucking mouth about walking in the cold again.
I don't drink coffee. I like cigarettes. I don't want to drink anymore. Drugs are stupid. Sex would be nice once in a while. Being cuddled and kissed would be even nicer. I don't want a boyfriend, I want a friend. I want someone to understand the complexities of human life and relationships. I want someone to watch Garden State with me who will laugh at the things I laugh at. I want someone to philosophize with me, then kiss me on the cheek and say "goodnight" and really mean "have a good night." I want people to say "well" instead of "good" when appropriate, and I want people to learn the difference between the following:
to, two, too ... there, they're, there ... our, hour ... one, won ... hear, here ...
How to properly spell and/or use the following:
please, thank you, you're welcome, I'm sorry
Elaborate words such as:
be right back, I'm joking, Just kidding.
I want 16 year old girls to stop lurking the internet and get a real hobby that they'll need sometime later in life. Stop signing onto MySpace and start reading a book. I could suggest a few titles for you if you aren't sure what to read. I remember being 16 and not doing half of the things these girls today are doing. I didn't dress up and take pictures that make me look rediculous, I didn't lie about my age, I didn't comment on 20 year old guys by saying "omfgz, yr so hottt!1!!!!" and I certainly didn't disrespect people at shows. I see a lot of these younger kids now going to shows and being very rude. I may not be tall, but I've been to about 300 shows more than you, and I can out dance you, and could probably kick the shit out of you with one hand tied behind my back. Please don't make me do it; I don't want to go to jail.
I also see a lot of younger kids getting piercings and tattoos because "they're cool." They won't be fucking cool when in 10 years you have HUGE scars all over the place because you can't take care of your shit. I got most of mine done young, and did what I was supposed to. Thats why I keep getting piercings. Then again, I'm also 19 years old and know right from wrong. I wash my ass every single day, I don't pick my nose if I haven't recently washed my hands, and I take vitamins to insure that I don't get sick. I also wear more than a fucking tank top and mini skirt outside in the middle of winter. I like my winter coat, and I think because it's made of little piggies, it makes me cooler.
I don't, however, like eating meat. I was happier vegetarian, however, being broke and not having the town you live in be vegetarian friendly, it's difficult to pick up the lifestyle again. I would very much like to, but unfortunately, because Pittsburgh is very "meat and potatoes and light beer" centered, it's difficult to buy tofu and organic foods. So to that, I say "when I move to a better place, or have more money, I will no longer eat meat." Until then, however, I will continue to eat steak and like it.
I like reading books. I like cleaning. I like cooking. I like doing laundry. I don't like when people tell me they "heart" me. I like when people tell me they don't like being assholes because they care how I feel. I like when people make me laugh. I like when people try to tickle me, even though I'm not ticklish. I like when people complement my tattoos. I like when people remember me for me.
I don't like people that were supposed to be my best friend, and completely have forgotten I existed. Sarah, I'm still alive. I still had a nineteenth birthday that you seemed to completely forget about. I remembered every single one of your birthdays for the past nine years. I think you've remembered about three of mine. Do me a favor, and if you can't remember I exist all the time, forget I exist all together. It would make it easier for me to understand my real circle of friends.
And on a similar note: Thank you Kate for being there for me at all times. You have stuck by me and have done more for me than most people do. For that, I will always be grateful to you, and will always appreciate every single thing you do
I like to lurk livejournals of people I don't really like, or don't really like me. It helps me get a little insight on why I don't like them, or why they don't like. But here's a thought: If you don't like me or the things I do, why do you feel the need to talk so much about me? Do I bother you that much? Do I fascinate you that much? Why is it that you have nothing better to do than talk about me? I'm flattered and all, but that isn't nessacary.
And to end this little story, novel, whatever, I would like to formally say that because no one reads this journal, and I partially made it to keep people informed about me, unless I get some kind of indication that people are understanding who I am, I will no longer be on LiveJournal. I have more important things to do than to try and communicate to people who don't want to communicate with me. I will leave this up for a week, and if by then, nothing happens, good-fucking-bye LiveJournal.
Goodnight.