(no subject)
It's kind of hard to say what I'm feeling right now. Well I guess it's never really actually 'hard' when people say that it is...in my case anyways. I just don't want to say it out of whatever reason I can't admitt. So I'll ramble in replacement.
I feel like the people I know I don't really know. Whatever. I love you all with such a fiery passion! but sometimes I feel a world apart from everyone else. I can't seem to listen to a conversation without drifing out. I feel uninteressted and bored. I can't seem to break down that brick wall of suspicion that was once closing in- because I suck at all things that require trust. I don't mean to make this about me me me. But if anyone's seeing this maybe you won't hold it against me if I act like a total loser. I'm just trying to get there. Back to the old me. The 8th grade me who never had a day of low self esteem, never had a missed homework assignment, or a frown. And in this process I'm starting to really lose it. It's so fucking much to ask - but I'm thinking maybe things will get worse before they get better. If I'm as far gone as I think I am I don't think I stand a chance. But please, try to love me even if I'm an idiot for awhile. Because I'm going to be- guaranteed. I will blow you off. I will let you down. I will think mean things. I will do mean things. I'll also probably decapitate your dog. Just kidding I won't go that far. But I will definitely be sad. I don't feel like I'm a part of IT right now. so basically I'm down on myself and feeling like perhaps I'm the really boring and uninteresting one. Maybe there is so much better out there and I'm really BLAH and by some heart-breaking surprise I'll realize it later. Yeah I know I'm no fun. I suck at everything I try hard to do and I don't compare to the high, fun spirits of others, but please if anything, forgive me for my idiocy. I guess thats all I have left to say.
*rocket-launches to uncharted planet*