I wanna share your horizon..
So I'm totally one hundred percent back in love with David Desrosiers.
There was a little bit of time there where the only time I ever mentioned him was to make fun of him or say how much a lesbian he is or whatever, because I was completely obsessed with Xander Harris from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
But now, I just...I'm watching videos of David playing bass and singing and I'm like literally crying right now. Actual tears. I'm just noticing more and more how much he's my everything. Sometimes it physically hurts when I think about him, because I just love him so much. It's so...weird. But I love being in love with him. And yeah, some people are going to call me stupid for thinking I'm in love with a celebrity there's little chance of me meeting anytime soon or even having anything to do with at all. But damn it, I am in love with David.
Every little thing about him just gets to me in some way or another. Looking at any picture of him makes my heart flutter so fast and get all warm. I'm listening to him sing the chorus of Can't Keep My Hands Off You and I just can't help but smile; his voice is the most beautiful thing to me for some reason. His voice, his face, his lips, his eyes, his love for bass and the drums, his ability to just be himself...it's so perfect to me, you know?
Holly and I were actually talking about both David and Tom the other day, and just describing everything we really feel and shit. And she really understands what I feel for David and how strong it is and how much it actually hurts my heart. I think she's the only one who can ever truly understand it or how bad it sucks but how amazing it is all at the same time.
Whenever I watch David play bass now I just stare at his hands. Because I want to be like him. I want to be as amazing a bass player as him someday. I want...more than anything, I just want to make him proud of me. That would make me happier than pretty much anything in the whole world. I watch how fast his fingers switch along the frets and how easy it is for him. And I just think to myself, "I really fucking want to be able to do that. I don't want to slide so much like I do. I want to be like that, so fucking badly."
I've never had anybody have this much of an effect on me, besides Holly. But her effect is different obviously. XD I'm like a sobbing mess thinking about him right now though, and watching all these live videos. I didn't really plan this out well; I have to be up in five or six hours but I'll probably be up a little longer crying over this guy who doesn't even know I exist. But oh well, who needs sleep? x'D
All I want right now is for David to hold me as I cry about my mom or about how bad I've fucked up lately. I don't want to play bass, I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want to be here. I just to be in David's arms telling him everything I've probably been hiding from myself, just expelling all of the bad from my mind and then telling him everything he means to me and how much he's helped me through in the past year.
I don't even fucking know where this is coming from tonight. Holly went to bed about thirty minutes ago, after showing me a bunch of make up tutorials and stuff to get me to realize how easy it can really be to look good. And then I watched a Simple Plan video I'd had up waiting to watch for after we were done watching the movie that was on TV - which I don't remember the title of it but it was HILARIOUS. And I stared at David's hands and listened to his voice and I just like...I lost it. I'm crying and my heart hurts and HOLY SHIT DAVID THAT NOTE IN THIS VIDEO. I just...God I don't know. I've been on such a David kick this week as Holly's been on a Tom Delonge kick that we've both just been such emotional wrecks. It's pathetic, really. But at the same time I wouldn't have it any other way; I need David in my life. I'm noticing that more and more because without him I wouldn't even have this lame amount of bass progress. And he just said "Dankeshon" which is German for "thank you beautiful" basically and be still my heart. See, the stupidest shit gets to me now. -__-*
I don't know if I'm going to get much sleep tonight. I'm going to go after a couple more videos though, and try to get some sleep. I just can't stop thinking about him lately and how amazing it would be to hug him and be friends with him. But then I keep thinking about how I would act when I met him, and I'm always sobbing hysterically onto his shirt as he awkwardly pats my head and asks me what's wrong, and I try explaining but it comes out a blubbering mess of noises. I feel like I'd totally embarrass myself in front of him and then a part of me would literally die from embarrassment, even if he just laughed it off and told me everything was okay.
WHY DO I KEEP RAMBLING ON AND ON UGH FUCK MY LIFE. I feel like I'm repeating myself also. And Holly is going to read this tomorrow morning or afternoon and completely be AWH'ing and/or laughing her fucking ass off about how much of an utter wreck I am right now.
And now as I'm watching these live videos I'm imagining Holly and I up there instead. Oh my gosh tonight is crazy. x'D I can't wait to be up there with her and I really hope I don't let her down somehow. That's what I'm constantly nervous of. I know my vocals suck, I know I have a hell of a lot of work to do on bass. Bass is easier though, for me; I don't know how the hell I'm going to do anything with my vocals. Sure, sing more, but I don't know. I guess I'll figure it out though, right? I've got to. I'm in a band that I've wanted to get back for two or three months because I'd thought it felt so right; I finally have it back and the last thing I want to do is fuck it up and lose it again. That would hurt so much more than her letting me go like before, I think. That's why I'm so glad I have David to help motivate me; and motivate me he does. Without him constantly in the back of my mind, pushing me so hard to do my absolute best to learn, I don't think I'd have gotten as far as I have, even if I'm not half as good as I'd like to be at this point. But I guess that just means I'll have to start trying even harder, huh?
Thank you, David Desrosiers.
Je t'aime. <3
How long will I be waiting?
Until the end of time...
I don't know why I'm still waiting,
I can't make you mine.
I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you.
But I want it,
And I need it;
I'm addicted to you. <3