"I try hard to make it; I just wanna make you proud..."
Day 3
- Favorite Song from No Pads, No Helmets.. Just Balls
Hmmmm...this one's gonna be a tie between "Perfect" and "Addicted", I think.
Perfect just really really describes me and how I feel with almost everybody, friends and family alike. My mom doesn't like the person I am most of the time. She still doesn't accept that I'm bisexual. The line "I'm never gonna be good enough for you" is seriously how I feel most of the time. My friends make me feel like that a lot of the time. I hardly talk to any of them. I haven't talked to Max in a week. A lot of the time I only ever talk to some of my friends if they need something, or if they want to brag about how AMAZING their day went, or something. I mean. I don't want to sound like a bitch. But sometimes - no, most of the time - I feel like my friends use me. And like I'm never gonna be good enough for them. And then my mom's always yelling at me about dumb stuff, even if I didn't cause it. It's annoying. And she brags about me to people at the hospital and shit, and how much of a "blessing" I am to her, how much help I am to her. But then she'll come home from appointments and bitch at me for not doing the dishes even though I was up cleaning my room or the upstairs bathroom for hours.
It's probably just me being stupid, lol. But I really feel like I'm never good enough for anybody. It's really sad, to be honest. But eh, what can be done.
And then Addicted is kind of like my David Desrosiers song, haha. "I'm trying to forget that I'm addicted to you. But I want it, and I need it, I'm addicted to you." It completely is the song that makes me think of him and just makes me happy :3 It never fails to make me smile and calm me down.
I've taken up writing "David Desrosiers" on my left wrist now. It makes me feel better by a lot. Like, I'll be doing something, or mom will be yelling at me to do something, and then I'll randomly see his name. And then I just smile a little bit inside, or get this stupid grin on my face, and it's like I'm all better almost every time. And then having his name there while I'm playing bass makes me feel almost like he's there watching me and telling me how good I'm doing so far. I don't know why. It just does. It's weird but helps a lot. And I think I'm gonna add Holly's name in there somewhere too, because she helps me a hell of a lot more than she probably knows. Even if I don't tell her every single time I'm feeling like shit, just talking to her about anything makes me feel better because she makes me feel like there's always going to be at least one person who cares about me. She's become incredibly important to me in such a short time - it's remarkable. I seriously wouldn't change any of it for the world though. It feels like this band is so right and it's going to work out so well; I have such faith in it. I honestly don't want to do anything with my life other than this band. With her. She's my best friend now and I couldn't imagine not having her here for me, no matter how crazy and insane she is sometimes. I love her more than anybody else at this point; she's just that amazing. :) She's one of those types of people who just gets me and who I can trust really easily. I've told her more about myself than I've told anybody else, including my mom and Max. I honestly can't wait to move up there with her. I want to be there now, and just jam with her all the time, and be there for her physically when she needs a hug or a shoulder to cry on. I want that more than anything. I don't even give a fuck about school or college anymore. She's the only thing that matters.
And I guess I mean a lot to her too. She told me that if she goes to Warped and gets to meet anybody in Simple Plan, she'd want to meet David so that she could hug him for me, and tell him how much he inspires me to play bass. She even said something about me writing a letter for him that she could print out to give to him if she got to meet him. I mean, I am concerned about how well I can put everything into words so he can understand what I want to say without me looking like a drooling fangirl or something. But honestly, that means the world to me that she'd be willing to give up one of her closest chances of meeting Pierre - her idol, her hero, the man who's saved her and helped her through so much, taught her so much - just to get a letter to David for me and just say "hey, my friend Christie loves you and picks up her bass everyday because of you." Nobody else would ever do that sort of thing for me, and it means a lot. I'd do the same thing for you though, Holly. If it meant that Pierre could have knowledge of you, I'd give up meeting David for that. I love him one hell of a lot, more than I have anybody else before - but you're the one person who's got him beat. You're a special kid who's going to go farther than the moon, with or without me. But as long as you want, I'll be here for you whenever I can be, whenever you need me. I don't plan on ever getting rid of you, darling. You're gonna be stuck with my faggot ass for quite a while; that's the plan anyways. ;)
So yeah. Yet another post has turned into one where I talk about David and Holly x'D But I'll end it thurr 'cause I have to go to bed in a couple of minutes. Just gotta say again - I love you, Holly. More and more each day :) Thank you for everything<3