Tired, Tired, Hungry
Well this summer has been truly uneventful, I was hoping for exciting high powered action but denied of this. Oh well, my fault anyway. Lately I've been pushing away my friends, good and bad. I'm glad that I'm trying to get my old retard friends off my back but I'm also hurting my real friends, people that actually care about me. I don't know why I do that, I just get sick of everyone, sick of myself, after a while. I wish I didn't, I'd be a much happier person. I should try to hang out with Nina and Despina more, they're rad kids and I wish I wasn't such "a dick to them" like Chris says. I need to be more trusting, more caring. But sometimes I care too much or trust too much and get hurt. Ugh. Things will work out, I hope.
It's sad, a lot of people around me are losing their friends. Why all of the sudden are we losing the ones we care about? Why can't it be like in elementary school where you played only one game of tag and instantly you were best friends for life? How is it so complicated now? I hate being a teenager with all these shitty hormones.
All my friends are changing, well my old friends and I don't like it. I hate how I'm not there with them to see them in their gradual change, I just see it/ hear about it months later. It's definitely not the same and I feel like I'm missing out. I'm just a piece from the past and I can't do anything about it. Yeah I can visit every once in a while, but can I be there for them for every little problem like before? No.
Now I'm realizing that some of my old friends weren't really good friends. It was like that one game of tag and we just claimed to be best buds. We never really talked like with some of my better friends. We never shared what was so personal with us, never told each other what was wrong. That's why Mollie and I got along so well. We shared and we could relate and we were there for each other. I went through a rough time and she was my support system and I was hers.
I've changed and I can't help it. I wish I was how I was before, I wasn't that much happier but I was a nicer person, more outgoing. Now I'm just some stupid, emotional, paranoid, easily annoyed, short tempered teenage girl. How come relationships change things? It shouldn't be different but why do I feel like I have to be different?
I'm trying to revert back, it's not easy, trust me. Especially since I go to AAI almost everyday (because now I don't have that much time for friends), but I'm learning to be a better artist, having fun and trying to be more pleasant with the people there. I'm also trying to speak up, get my ideas across instead of just being quiet and hoping that someone else was thinking the same as me. I'm very shy and I hate speaking in front of people, hopefully this will help me with those problems.
I am glad that I got to see Mollie this summer, I almost didn't (because I didn't have a ride but then Christopher's mother offered). And I'm glad she was happy to be around me, away from the drama of her other new friends. But I hope that wasn't the reason why she was happy. I wish I told her a lot of things that I had told my new friends, I wish I talked about my new friends more, but I felt like it would be like betraying her. She talked about her friends a lot, it seemed like that was the only thing she could talk about and I felt slightly jealous and bad because I wasn't living in Delaware anymore. I'm very jealous and protective of her, she's told me about a few of her friends and I've tried to get her to stop being around them because they sounded like gay ass retards and in the end I was right and she regretted being around them. I just wish she didn't have to deal with all the drama though and it sucks because I'm not there to make them back off. I guess you can't save everyone.
God, I am so bored, I remember when I had like a million people IMing me all the time, now I have no one to talk to. I don't know if it's worth not talking/interacting than being with fucking gothic retards that cause unnecessary drama anymore.
On a lighter note, I've finished one of my summer reading books (Fallen Angels)! Last year I didn't even read them and almost failed english, but then again I wasn't trying at all. My second reading book, Grapes of Wrath, is pretty good, the writing style is great, lovely details, awesome use of symbolism but I just hate reading. So it's going to be really hard to finish. I'm on Chapter Twelve though. :D WOOT WOOT.
It's sad, a lot of people around me are losing their friends. Why all of the sudden are we losing the ones we care about? Why can't it be like in elementary school where you played only one game of tag and instantly you were best friends for life? How is it so complicated now? I hate being a teenager with all these shitty hormones.
All my friends are changing, well my old friends and I don't like it. I hate how I'm not there with them to see them in their gradual change, I just see it/ hear about it months later. It's definitely not the same and I feel like I'm missing out. I'm just a piece from the past and I can't do anything about it. Yeah I can visit every once in a while, but can I be there for them for every little problem like before? No.
Now I'm realizing that some of my old friends weren't really good friends. It was like that one game of tag and we just claimed to be best buds. We never really talked like with some of my better friends. We never shared what was so personal with us, never told each other what was wrong. That's why Mollie and I got along so well. We shared and we could relate and we were there for each other. I went through a rough time and she was my support system and I was hers.
I've changed and I can't help it. I wish I was how I was before, I wasn't that much happier but I was a nicer person, more outgoing. Now I'm just some stupid, emotional, paranoid, easily annoyed, short tempered teenage girl. How come relationships change things? It shouldn't be different but why do I feel like I have to be different?
I'm trying to revert back, it's not easy, trust me. Especially since I go to AAI almost everyday (because now I don't have that much time for friends), but I'm learning to be a better artist, having fun and trying to be more pleasant with the people there. I'm also trying to speak up, get my ideas across instead of just being quiet and hoping that someone else was thinking the same as me. I'm very shy and I hate speaking in front of people, hopefully this will help me with those problems.
I am glad that I got to see Mollie this summer, I almost didn't (because I didn't have a ride but then Christopher's mother offered). And I'm glad she was happy to be around me, away from the drama of her other new friends. But I hope that wasn't the reason why she was happy. I wish I told her a lot of things that I had told my new friends, I wish I talked about my new friends more, but I felt like it would be like betraying her. She talked about her friends a lot, it seemed like that was the only thing she could talk about and I felt slightly jealous and bad because I wasn't living in Delaware anymore. I'm very jealous and protective of her, she's told me about a few of her friends and I've tried to get her to stop being around them because they sounded like gay ass retards and in the end I was right and she regretted being around them. I just wish she didn't have to deal with all the drama though and it sucks because I'm not there to make them back off. I guess you can't save everyone.
God, I am so bored, I remember when I had like a million people IMing me all the time, now I have no one to talk to. I don't know if it's worth not talking/interacting than being with fucking gothic retards that cause unnecessary drama anymore.
On a lighter note, I've finished one of my summer reading books (Fallen Angels)! Last year I didn't even read them and almost failed english, but then again I wasn't trying at all. My second reading book, Grapes of Wrath, is pretty good, the writing style is great, lovely details, awesome use of symbolism but I just hate reading. So it's going to be really hard to finish. I'm on Chapter Twelve though. :D WOOT WOOT.