(no subject)
well lj...here we are. again.
i'm really confused but maybe its my own fault for reading too far ahead into things. i've been interested in the girl, as you know. shes smart. she funny. she's absolutely gorgeous. literally the prettiest girl i've ever seen.
we've been doing our thing. hanging out every so often. we kissed a bunch of times. i fell really hard. shes so pretty. i never even thought i had a chance with her. honestly, shes so out of my league. shes got a good job, her own car, and she takes care of her body. she's young but she definitely aint dumb. she is an incredible girl. no other word can describe her.
we went out the other night. we were drinking a little bit. we had fun. i drove her home. it was late. she brought me inside cuz there was a cop lookin for us. we ended up sleeping for a hot minute. we both needed time to calm down from drinkin.
i dunno what happened. i mean..i know what happened. we hooked up late night but its hard to describe the situation. for me, personally, it was full of emotion. i came clean to her about alot of stuff. i've been thinkin about my future alot. about being healthy so i can be around for a possible family when it happens. i may have said a few things that caught her off guard. at the time.. she seemed accepting of what i was saying. i dont try to hide anything from her. theres no reason to. i'm completely brutally honest with her.
we hooked up. again, she blew my mind. i knew she was incredible already. getting with her was out of this world. like a complete dream. agian...i'm the idiot reading too far ahead but after that night i was so fucking hooked on this girl i wanted to make her mine.
somewhere between that night and today... things went a little sour. i came on too strong for her. that night she said she wasnt scared...even though i had said some pretty strong things about us. i'm sure it has to do with the fact that a few people know i'm really feeling her. its hard to keep quiet about someone when they make you feel so good. i'm also sure it has something to do with what i said.
i thought we were going somewhere. honestly. we were at tims house the other day for the mania party. that was cool except we really didnt talk much. i wanted her hangin out wiht me all night. its selfish of me. i know. she gave me an inch and i tried to take a mile. its a classic story. she just showed me so much attention that night and i've been fucking craving it.
apparently i scared her. i can see why. i'm a pretty emotional guy. mixed with i have no filter to stop what i say, sometimes i'm brutally honest. the fact that i scared her isnt a problem. i can get it. the problem is how do i go out my routine now? do i stay away? do i try to be sweet still but limit myself? i honestly dont know. that night messed me up.
i've been trying to figue out what to say or do just to make this girl realize i'm for real. she keeps saying this isnt what i want. i dont want a relationship cuz i got out of one only a few weeks ago. that relationship was over months ago... it was just a matter of how to end it. angela really bothered me. angela was really bothered by me. i put up with alot of her immaturities. i barely even looked a girl when i was away from her just cuz i know how insecure she was when another girl even said hi to me. a relationship is exactly what i want. and i want it with this girl. i find myself double, triple, and quadruple thinking what i say to her. all my useless anger seems to dissipate when she talks to me. any other girl i would have chewed up and spit out my now...
take amanda. i thought she was cute but i chewed that girl out soo many times. granted, she was so nieve when we dated. she thought i was some kind of drug addict cuz i smoked pot. please. she can go out everything and get wasted drunk, thats ok. i cant smoke a joint at night without being a druggie in her eyes. even still.. she just got out of a relationship and was begging to fool around. i still chewed that girl up. frankly, she deserved it.
i dont think i could ever do that to Ms. Drahos. she's so damn pretty and just... smart. shes down to earth. shes definitely a hell of alot smarter than myself. i may read alot about einstein theories and articles about quantum computing, but this girl is going places. she got shit figured out.
and those eyes.... they are killers.
anywho... i'm just confused. she told me not to hold back. i held nothing back. i dont think the problem was in my words. i think she can understand where i'm coming from about not getting any younger. i think its all my actions. like i'm expect her to want me more. i'm almost expecting for us to having another night like the other night. as great as it would be... its hightly disrespectful for me to expect anything. she isnt my girl. she is her own person. she can do what she wants. i just thought after the other night... she would be a little bit more onto me. ya know? maybe a little more into me.
shes hard to read. i'm the type of guy to let everthing out. i live with my emotions on my sleeve. i dont hid when i'm mad, or sad, or happy, or interested. shes not like that. shes a little more reserved. its not a bad thing. not by far. its just frustrating after you hook up with someone, who blows your mind,and then have them not show any kind of emotion after.
again...this is all me reading too far ahead of things. then again, lj, what the fuck else is new? i've always been this same train wreck, havent i? i've always been an over-emotional fuck. i just want to stop being so overly affectionate towards her.. but at the same time.. i'm dying to get with her. i dont know what the next move is. we still talk. thats a plus. i'm sure i definitely damaged her view of me, though.
she called me sweet. she called me handsome. i melted. it made me so happy to hear that. now i cant get her out of my mind. i'm at a total loss of what to do. i'm lost on what to say. the only thing i'm not lost about...i want that girl. bad. and its driving me crazy.
how do you make make someone want to be in a relationship with you when they feel like its not what you want? i'm just confused. i'm being reserved now. again. i'm just gunna talk to her. i'm not gunna tell her anything over the top. i'm just scared to even call her "bright eyes" anymore.
we will see what happens. ill play it by ear. but i definitely have to stop being so emotional about it. emotional is definitely a turn off for some ladies.
i definitely have to stop staying up soo late too. its hard to sleep when your mind wont stop racing. its times like this i wish i could still smoke pot. its been a while since i smoked... i'm not about to start up again now. i'm doing good.
except for getting pretty drunk every night. thats not good. that also needs to stop.
"self-destruction in such a pretty little thing."
i'm really confused but maybe its my own fault for reading too far ahead into things. i've been interested in the girl, as you know. shes smart. she funny. she's absolutely gorgeous. literally the prettiest girl i've ever seen.
we've been doing our thing. hanging out every so often. we kissed a bunch of times. i fell really hard. shes so pretty. i never even thought i had a chance with her. honestly, shes so out of my league. shes got a good job, her own car, and she takes care of her body. she's young but she definitely aint dumb. she is an incredible girl. no other word can describe her.
we went out the other night. we were drinking a little bit. we had fun. i drove her home. it was late. she brought me inside cuz there was a cop lookin for us. we ended up sleeping for a hot minute. we both needed time to calm down from drinkin.
i dunno what happened. i mean..i know what happened. we hooked up late night but its hard to describe the situation. for me, personally, it was full of emotion. i came clean to her about alot of stuff. i've been thinkin about my future alot. about being healthy so i can be around for a possible family when it happens. i may have said a few things that caught her off guard. at the time.. she seemed accepting of what i was saying. i dont try to hide anything from her. theres no reason to. i'm completely brutally honest with her.
we hooked up. again, she blew my mind. i knew she was incredible already. getting with her was out of this world. like a complete dream. agian...i'm the idiot reading too far ahead but after that night i was so fucking hooked on this girl i wanted to make her mine.
somewhere between that night and today... things went a little sour. i came on too strong for her. that night she said she wasnt scared...even though i had said some pretty strong things about us. i'm sure it has to do with the fact that a few people know i'm really feeling her. its hard to keep quiet about someone when they make you feel so good. i'm also sure it has something to do with what i said.
i thought we were going somewhere. honestly. we were at tims house the other day for the mania party. that was cool except we really didnt talk much. i wanted her hangin out wiht me all night. its selfish of me. i know. she gave me an inch and i tried to take a mile. its a classic story. she just showed me so much attention that night and i've been fucking craving it.
apparently i scared her. i can see why. i'm a pretty emotional guy. mixed with i have no filter to stop what i say, sometimes i'm brutally honest. the fact that i scared her isnt a problem. i can get it. the problem is how do i go out my routine now? do i stay away? do i try to be sweet still but limit myself? i honestly dont know. that night messed me up.
i've been trying to figue out what to say or do just to make this girl realize i'm for real. she keeps saying this isnt what i want. i dont want a relationship cuz i got out of one only a few weeks ago. that relationship was over months ago... it was just a matter of how to end it. angela really bothered me. angela was really bothered by me. i put up with alot of her immaturities. i barely even looked a girl when i was away from her just cuz i know how insecure she was when another girl even said hi to me. a relationship is exactly what i want. and i want it with this girl. i find myself double, triple, and quadruple thinking what i say to her. all my useless anger seems to dissipate when she talks to me. any other girl i would have chewed up and spit out my now...
take amanda. i thought she was cute but i chewed that girl out soo many times. granted, she was so nieve when we dated. she thought i was some kind of drug addict cuz i smoked pot. please. she can go out everything and get wasted drunk, thats ok. i cant smoke a joint at night without being a druggie in her eyes. even still.. she just got out of a relationship and was begging to fool around. i still chewed that girl up. frankly, she deserved it.
i dont think i could ever do that to Ms. Drahos. she's so damn pretty and just... smart. shes down to earth. shes definitely a hell of alot smarter than myself. i may read alot about einstein theories and articles about quantum computing, but this girl is going places. she got shit figured out.
and those eyes.... they are killers.
anywho... i'm just confused. she told me not to hold back. i held nothing back. i dont think the problem was in my words. i think she can understand where i'm coming from about not getting any younger. i think its all my actions. like i'm expect her to want me more. i'm almost expecting for us to having another night like the other night. as great as it would be... its hightly disrespectful for me to expect anything. she isnt my girl. she is her own person. she can do what she wants. i just thought after the other night... she would be a little bit more onto me. ya know? maybe a little more into me.
shes hard to read. i'm the type of guy to let everthing out. i live with my emotions on my sleeve. i dont hid when i'm mad, or sad, or happy, or interested. shes not like that. shes a little more reserved. its not a bad thing. not by far. its just frustrating after you hook up with someone, who blows your mind,and then have them not show any kind of emotion after.
again...this is all me reading too far ahead of things. then again, lj, what the fuck else is new? i've always been this same train wreck, havent i? i've always been an over-emotional fuck. i just want to stop being so overly affectionate towards her.. but at the same time.. i'm dying to get with her. i dont know what the next move is. we still talk. thats a plus. i'm sure i definitely damaged her view of me, though.
she called me sweet. she called me handsome. i melted. it made me so happy to hear that. now i cant get her out of my mind. i'm at a total loss of what to do. i'm lost on what to say. the only thing i'm not lost about...i want that girl. bad. and its driving me crazy.
how do you make make someone want to be in a relationship with you when they feel like its not what you want? i'm just confused. i'm being reserved now. again. i'm just gunna talk to her. i'm not gunna tell her anything over the top. i'm just scared to even call her "bright eyes" anymore.
we will see what happens. ill play it by ear. but i definitely have to stop being so emotional about it. emotional is definitely a turn off for some ladies.
i definitely have to stop staying up soo late too. its hard to sleep when your mind wont stop racing. its times like this i wish i could still smoke pot. its been a while since i smoked... i'm not about to start up again now. i'm doing good.
except for getting pretty drunk every night. thats not good. that also needs to stop.
"self-destruction in such a pretty little thing."