(no subject)
You stay up all night, 10, 11, 12, 1am, waiting for a sign that your college sweetheart still loves you. Check your email, check it again. You know you're being a big baby and you know you're not even sure you love him yourself. Or if you do, not like you loved your last, who refuses to speak to you now. Serves you right, you broke his heart now he breaks yours. Wondering where he is, that old love, on Christmas Eve, and hoping all the best for him because you really do still care about him and want him to be happy. But he says it's too soon and he's afraid to see you or hear your voice. Says he just wants to be okay. (Sometimes he says he just wants to forget it all.) You understand that, wanting to be okay, and it makes you feel a little guilty because you remember what you did to him, and how he couldn't eat or sleep a night without bad dreams for weeks after.
And now you have a new boy and you know it may be too soon after, and you're feeling lukewarm, but sometimes hot, and you're his first love and he's your third- but you wonder why it's you staying up all night checking your email, knowing it's in vain, and you wonder why he hasn't replied yet or called you. Tomorrow's Christmas, damnit, and you want a present from him, something to show he cares, to chase away this insecurity. You like to be reminded you're wanted, and you try to be fair and do the same. Don't want to ask anything you're not willing to give. But maybe you still ask for a lot.
Tomorrow's Christmas, but it might as well be just another day. Your family stopped celebrating a few years ago, once you and your brother grew up. This year is different, too, because your mom may or may not be leaving your dad, and it may or may not be for good. Your dad's torn up about it, and it was his birthday today, a Christmas Eve baby, and his wife, your mother, wasn't even around. She took off down to the suburbs to spend the holidays with her oldest daughter, your sister. So you had to bake your dad's birthday cake yourself and try to be cheery for his sake. He's so goddamn depressed and speaks of the 'stone on his heart' and sometimes looks like he's been crying or else wants to start. He's so melodramatic it's annoying, but you know it's really just that you can't stand to see your dad in so much pain and self-pity. You pity him, too. Your mom's leaving and there's nothing he can do.
You used to be closer to your mom. Closer than you are now. Closer than you ever were to your dad. Closer than to almost anyone in the world. Told your mom everything. Still do, but she's stopped listening. Lately maybe your mom sees a bit too much of your dad in you, or maybe you see how cold and heartless she really is (a trait she gave you, one you wish you didn't have).
And now it's almost 2o'clock in the morning, but you haven't written this much all break, 'cept maybe in emails, so you don't want to stop now. You've only actually written 3 or 4 times in your journal in the past 5 weeks. You had 6 weeks of break and really meant to write and write and think and think and somehow it all went down the drain. Squandered.
Dad's sleeping in his room tonight. First time in two weeks he gets to sleep in his own bed, and it's only 'cause Mom's gone. Otherwise he's been relegated to the barn like an old dog. Yet you've got to admit the house is nicer without him around. At least the old him. He claims he's changed, and maybe he has. He swears he'll never be angry again, and maybe it's true. But you're skeptical on that one.
It's Christmas tomorrow and you're not going to do anything 'cept maybe watch some movies and eat some cookies Mom baked before she left and maybe some leftover pizza you and your brother made tonight. Dad is 48 today. Mom is 47.5. Mom's new boyfriend, who used to be your boyfriend, is the same age as your older sister: 27. He's not really her boyfriend, but it makes the story better. And it's more than half true. He's a boy who's her friend and who maybe she wishes was her boyfriend. If your honest with yourself, it's obvious she wants him, despite what she says. The other confusing thing is that he's also good friends with your dad. You wish he wasn't friends with either of your parents, because you and he once dated and after that you dated his best friend, your old love who won't talk to you now, and after that he damn near tried to kill you and your brother and his best friend/your love.
And you keep coming back to the same plot line, you keep needing to tell the story. And you're beginning to think maybe it's childish and maybe you should be moving on and forgiving- your parents, your ex, your old love- and being a little more mature about the whole situation. (You're an adult. People get divorced all the time. Sometimes those people are your parents. No big deal.) Hell, you already feel more mature than your parents, with the way they've been acting lately. But you just can't get past the fact that your mom is basically in love with your ex, and sure, he never meant that much to you, but you and he had sex for christsake and now your mom want him?! And you don't think you'll ever really forgive your parents for this. You know you should, but you fear you'll always resent and hold it against them, this whole mess. You feel betrayed that both your parents are still close friends with your ex, but you keep reminding yourself you should be moving past it, but you just can't. You keep coming back to the same plotline and to the same flawed characters, YOUR PARENTS, and you just wish you could be a happy family but you know that may never be possible again.
You really wish he would just email you already, your latest, your college sweetheart. He can't be that busy. It's Christmas Eve and he never goes to bed before 1am. You really do like him. You remind yourself of that. Maybe you even do love him. Maybe it's okay that it's a different kind of love, and maybe it's not as intense as your last love, but that's okay too. You don't need intense right now. You've got enough going on.
You should really get up and brush your teeth. You worry about cavities. You worry it's too late and you already have them. Many of them. You hardly ever floss. Maybe 2 months ago last time. You worry too that your new boy won't find you attractive. (You always worry this, always compare youself to the girls your boys dated in the past.) You can't help being insecure sometimes. You just need a reminder that he likes you. You're tired of sending all the emails. He said 'I love you' first, why are you the one worrying? Maybe he loves you, maybe he doesn't even know what love is.
Maybe you love him or maybe you're just killing time.
Maybe your parents love each other and maybe they don't.
And now you have a new boy and you know it may be too soon after, and you're feeling lukewarm, but sometimes hot, and you're his first love and he's your third- but you wonder why it's you staying up all night checking your email, knowing it's in vain, and you wonder why he hasn't replied yet or called you. Tomorrow's Christmas, damnit, and you want a present from him, something to show he cares, to chase away this insecurity. You like to be reminded you're wanted, and you try to be fair and do the same. Don't want to ask anything you're not willing to give. But maybe you still ask for a lot.
Tomorrow's Christmas, but it might as well be just another day. Your family stopped celebrating a few years ago, once you and your brother grew up. This year is different, too, because your mom may or may not be leaving your dad, and it may or may not be for good. Your dad's torn up about it, and it was his birthday today, a Christmas Eve baby, and his wife, your mother, wasn't even around. She took off down to the suburbs to spend the holidays with her oldest daughter, your sister. So you had to bake your dad's birthday cake yourself and try to be cheery for his sake. He's so goddamn depressed and speaks of the 'stone on his heart' and sometimes looks like he's been crying or else wants to start. He's so melodramatic it's annoying, but you know it's really just that you can't stand to see your dad in so much pain and self-pity. You pity him, too. Your mom's leaving and there's nothing he can do.
You used to be closer to your mom. Closer than you are now. Closer than you ever were to your dad. Closer than to almost anyone in the world. Told your mom everything. Still do, but she's stopped listening. Lately maybe your mom sees a bit too much of your dad in you, or maybe you see how cold and heartless she really is (a trait she gave you, one you wish you didn't have).
And now it's almost 2o'clock in the morning, but you haven't written this much all break, 'cept maybe in emails, so you don't want to stop now. You've only actually written 3 or 4 times in your journal in the past 5 weeks. You had 6 weeks of break and really meant to write and write and think and think and somehow it all went down the drain. Squandered.
Dad's sleeping in his room tonight. First time in two weeks he gets to sleep in his own bed, and it's only 'cause Mom's gone. Otherwise he's been relegated to the barn like an old dog. Yet you've got to admit the house is nicer without him around. At least the old him. He claims he's changed, and maybe he has. He swears he'll never be angry again, and maybe it's true. But you're skeptical on that one.
It's Christmas tomorrow and you're not going to do anything 'cept maybe watch some movies and eat some cookies Mom baked before she left and maybe some leftover pizza you and your brother made tonight. Dad is 48 today. Mom is 47.5. Mom's new boyfriend, who used to be your boyfriend, is the same age as your older sister: 27. He's not really her boyfriend, but it makes the story better. And it's more than half true. He's a boy who's her friend and who maybe she wishes was her boyfriend. If your honest with yourself, it's obvious she wants him, despite what she says. The other confusing thing is that he's also good friends with your dad. You wish he wasn't friends with either of your parents, because you and he once dated and after that you dated his best friend, your old love who won't talk to you now, and after that he damn near tried to kill you and your brother and his best friend/your love.
And you keep coming back to the same plot line, you keep needing to tell the story. And you're beginning to think maybe it's childish and maybe you should be moving on and forgiving- your parents, your ex, your old love- and being a little more mature about the whole situation. (You're an adult. People get divorced all the time. Sometimes those people are your parents. No big deal.) Hell, you already feel more mature than your parents, with the way they've been acting lately. But you just can't get past the fact that your mom is basically in love with your ex, and sure, he never meant that much to you, but you and he had sex for christsake and now your mom want him?! And you don't think you'll ever really forgive your parents for this. You know you should, but you fear you'll always resent and hold it against them, this whole mess. You feel betrayed that both your parents are still close friends with your ex, but you keep reminding yourself you should be moving past it, but you just can't. You keep coming back to the same plotline and to the same flawed characters, YOUR PARENTS, and you just wish you could be a happy family but you know that may never be possible again.
You really wish he would just email you already, your latest, your college sweetheart. He can't be that busy. It's Christmas Eve and he never goes to bed before 1am. You really do like him. You remind yourself of that. Maybe you even do love him. Maybe it's okay that it's a different kind of love, and maybe it's not as intense as your last love, but that's okay too. You don't need intense right now. You've got enough going on.
You should really get up and brush your teeth. You worry about cavities. You worry it's too late and you already have them. Many of them. You hardly ever floss. Maybe 2 months ago last time. You worry too that your new boy won't find you attractive. (You always worry this, always compare youself to the girls your boys dated in the past.) You can't help being insecure sometimes. You just need a reminder that he likes you. You're tired of sending all the emails. He said 'I love you' first, why are you the one worrying? Maybe he loves you, maybe he doesn't even know what love is.
Maybe you love him or maybe you're just killing time.
Maybe your parents love each other and maybe they don't.