The Vampire Diaries: 1.08 "162 Candles"
Now that I've had a week to reflect on the "shocking twist" of last week's episode, this is the conclusion I've come to: It did deliver for those viewers who haven't read the books. Admittedly, all those that have read all four books in The Vampire Diaries know what the deal is. We know the story arch for every character--even if their television counterparts are slightly modified for the relatable appeal. Yawn! Damon's agreement to help Elena would have shocked the non-readers because they've yet to see that side of him. For the readers, we all thought the same thing: "It's about time, D-bag."
Where the VD writers failed is Damon's offer coming out of the blue, to the point it seems out of character for him. A little build up so the audience thinks that Damon isn't all that bad would have been welcomed. Now that we've got Damon's dual layers exposed, shall we shatter the viewer's ideals of Stefan? Yes, the writers will try.
Previous Episode
Previously on The Newly-Vamped Game, the cat is out of the bag for Elena and she realizes she's one werewolf away from becoming Bella Swan. Woe! And then Jeremy's heart was broken when Vicki was vamped because of Damon's boredom, she went all psycho newborn on Jeremy, and Stefan had to stake her. Woe! But, in a quasi-shocker, Damon offered to mind wipe Jeremy for Elena so he didn't have to remember what happened to Vicki, since Stefan pulled the "I can't, I'm on a diet" excuse. Woe! Also, Elena confused she's partly down with the whole vampire pallor Stefan has going on, but she has to play hard to get because she has the weight of the remaining 14 episodes for the season on her shoulder. Well, duh! (Oh, my gosh, we really have 14 more to go? Help!)
The show's off to a different start this weekend. It's like someone complained because instead of being in a remote location, it starts at the Salvatore Boarding House. It isn't a dumb idiot alone, it's Stefan. See? Absolutely different. We all know nothing bad can happen to him. So, we can ignore the haunting wind, fluttering drapes, quick shadowy movements that are trying to scare us. Besides, it has to be Damon's that messing with him. Only, it isn't. It's some chesty blonde named Lexie, who must be Stefan's BBF from summer camp based on his chillax nature to her when she tackles him to the ground to wish him a happy birthday.
Lexie: I got you! Time for...Birthday tickles!
The episode’s title, at first, got me really excited because I thought it meant Bonnie would be using her fire power and burn stuff down. Nooooo, that is not what "162 Candles" represents. It represents Stefan's age because it's his birthday. As an aside, why has nobody pointed out the May-December romances these vampire-mortal relationships portray. Okay, technically he looks 17, so no one says he's too old for her. But, that's like a pedophile saying, "Well she looked like an adult. How was I suppose to know she was only 14 with the way she's dressed?"
Back from the title card break, Stefan and Lexie stayed up all night gabbing about what's been going on in Mystic Falls.
Stefan: Same old, same old. Damon's a douchebag, I'm cleaning up after his mess, Damon's being a big, fat meanie, I'm staying on the straight and narrow, Damon's a dick and eating everyone on sight. Did I mention Damon's an asshat?
Lexie asks the obvious question: Why doesn't Stefan leave with the pot being stirred so vigorously? All of us know the chorus: Because it’s all for Elena! I'm tired of this song and dance, to be honest. There are ways to keep the core relationship going besides keeping said lovers apart. Perhaps we'll get some progress with it being Stefan's 162nd birthday and all. I should mention two other things: Lexie and Stefan are total BFF's. Like, if both didn't have dates to the prom, I would assume they'd go together as friends. Yes, friends. Also, Lexie doesn't have a kick ass ring like the Salvatores, so she's stuck to the house. Further proof that the promos last week lied. Lexie isn't here to win back Stefan. She's just here to celebrate his birthday and move on. Pity, because I had some great ex-girlfriend vampire vs. Elena mash ups ready. Now who do I get to use them on?
Certainly not Cop Mom while she interrogates the entire teen population about Vicki's whereabouts. I should upgrade her title to Mom Sheriff, since that's her position and all, but she won't earn her Sheriff badge until she puts two and two together and figures out who the vampires are. Till then, we are treated to a montage of Matt, Jeremy, Elena, and Stefan answering Cop Mom's questions and weaving together a concise story of Vicki's disappearance. It's so cute how they're finishing each other’s sentences and Jeremy's repeating verbatim what Elena told Damon to replace his memories with. They all say the same thing: "Vicki totally left Mystic Falls on her complete own will." Getting nowhere, Cop Mom is forced to let everyone go.
Outside the police station (which seems to be way too big for such a small town, if you ask me), Stefan tries to relive the male bonding days he and Matt had playing football. That would be a "no" on Matt's end, who ignores Stefan. Elena and Jeremy, shockingly with Aunt Jenna, are the next to come out. Elena hangs behind to talk to Stefan. He thanks her for lying, and Elena is all, "Whatever." Oh noes, she's starting to have second thoughts about the mind freak she ASKED Damon to put on Jeremy. Remember, she ASKED him to do it. Completing a trifecta of Stefan's misery, Elena tells him to stay away from her. Stefan hums a mournful "Happy Birthday to Me" as Elena walks away.
Being stuck inside the Salvatore Boarding House doesn't get any better for Lexie when she's surprised by Damon being in bed with her.
Lexie: Eww, gross. Did you just get tramp blood all over the sheets?
Already the tension between the two can be cut with a knife. Makes me think there's somethin' somethin' that happened between them. It probably begins and ends in Damon's mind. Another layer of Lexie is shown after she tells Damon he's "only the bad parts" of a vampire. Whoa, watch where you're swinging the barbwire, Lex. Damon doesn't like the word no and continues to bug Lexie. Older by about two hundred years, Lexie is stronger and faster. She flies over Damon and grabs him by the throat. In another show of misrepresentation, Lexie's threat about ruining her time with Stefan is directed to Damon and not Elena. O vey, we are in for a looooong episode.
The increasingly growing in awesomeness Bonnie has been spending a lot of time with Grandma Jasmine. I would be too if some crazy douchebag kept asking for a powerful necklace/amulet/crystal/talisman back. (Let's see how many names I can up for that thing around Bonnie's neck.) We also find out that Bonnie's father disapproves of her hanging out with Grandma Jasmine--mostly since he doesn't believe in the witchcraft stuff. He'd change his tune if Bonnie showed him her powers. Before she leaves, Grandma Jasmine reminds Bonnie to keep her ancestor's, Emily, necklace around her at all times. "A witches' talisman is a powerful tool."
Bonnie: Get with the times, Grams. Mace is the way to go.
Another uncomfortable family dynamic is the Gilberts. Let's visit them for a bit. Making another appearance is Aunt Jenna. Her reason for being gone last episode, I guess, is because she was in her dark place with Logan suddenly leaving town. "Leaving town" must be the new code phrase like how "Uncle Jim's just gone on vacation" was back in the '50's--when Uncle Jim was really locked up. Logan's lack of emailing or texting Aunt Jenna is trumped by Jeremy doing his homework. Gasp! Elena jokes, "What do you think, alien?", with Aunt Jenna's reply being, "Some sort of replicant." Joking aside, Elena knows something is terribly, terribly wrong. Ah, you think, E.?
Jeremy's odd behavior segues nicely into Damon showing up at Cop Mom's office with a box of vervain. You know, Damon had to do it since Zach's "left town".
Cop Mom: I just don't know what it is, but everyone's leaving town. First it's Zach, then Logan, and now Vicki. It's like there's something in the air.
Damon: *loosens his shirt collar*
Totally not taking a page from Psychotic Murderers 101, Damon inserts himself into Cop Mom's vampire investigation. Not going as well as she'd like, Cop Mom tells Damon she's been rethinking the vampire myths--starting with the whole sunlight bit. "We have to consider the vampire may be walking around during the day. Right in front of us."
Damon: Gee, did it get hot in here all of a sudden?
Cop Mom says she's going to begin looking at the people in town who arrived around the time the murders started. Damon offers to help. Hint: He's going to steer the search as far from him as possible.
Feeling like a lousy friend, Bonnie goes to Elena's house. She finds her moping in bed. Seems Elena has been anti-social since the whole Vicki incident. For the first time, Elena tells Bonnie that she and Stefan broke-up, but she doesn't want to talk about it. Doesn't want to or can't? I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say it's a mixture of both. Elena asks Bonnie to take her mind off of Stefan. Bonnie complies by ripping open one of Elena's pillows.
Elena: Um, a pillow fight in our underwear is not what I had in mind.
But, Bonnie isn't interested in a pillow fight. She wants to show Elena her new trick. The All Powerful Bonnie has learned to levitate feathers. Uh, Bonnie, most can make feathers float by blowing air under them... Okay, most can't make a whole bunch float at the same time. Elena is transfixed, and feeling inadequate next to Stefan and Bonnie. I'm smitten as well, since the CGI doesn't look as dopey as I would expect it to. Then, Bonnie lets Elena in on her secret: "I'm a witch." And Elena says she believes her...like she wouldn't? Really? Her ex-boyfriend is a vampire, but there's a reason she'd doubt Bonnie being a witch? I am just going to focus on Bonnie's confession being another secret Elena needs to keep. Woe!
As Elena and Bonnie talk about their feelings under floating feathers, Caroline has the misfortune of running into Damon. She starts off strong and lays into him for being a complete jerkwad. That is, until Damon mind freaks her into being his puppet again. He convinces her to throw a party at The Grill because he needs a big crowd. What for? Is he finally going to slaughter the town? No, Damon claims he's going to solve the town's vampire problem. By solve, Damon means make it worse, I'm guessing. He also insists that Caroline get his necklace back from Bonnie. Damon, if you couldn't get it back, what makes you think Caroline will have better luck?
At the Salvatore abode, Lexie digs for information on Elena out of Stefan. This includes a sex talk. Stefan looks horrified--not by the idea, but because Lexie would ask such a thing. Considering Lexie is sucking blood out of a plastic bag, I will not be surprised by anything that comes out of her mouth. As she drinks, she pays Stefan a compliment about his tenacity with the animal diet. I'm dying inside by the implication that Stefan's a god amongst vampires because he's abstaining from human blood. True vampires do not abstain from blood!
Damon comes home just as Lexie asks Stefan what his birthday plans are. Damon jumps in and tells them about the party at The Grill. Stefan is not amused, especially when he finds out Damon mind freaked Caroline into throwing it. Damon half ass explains, "We need to blend." Playing the higher than thou card, Damon turns his nose up at Lexie's plastic bag stash. Truthfully, D., you lost all superior rights when you turned Vicki into a vampire.
Bored with levitating the oh-so-heavy feathers, Bonnie starts to have second thoughts about letting Elena in on her secret. "You don't think I'm a freak now, do you?"
Elena: Honestly? Learning you're a witch is pretty normal compared with everything else that’s been going on.
And then Bonnie makes Elena feel even worse by telling her she could never keep a secret from her. They are friends and they shouldn't have any secrets between them.
Elena: Oh, boy, is it me or is really hot in here all of sudden?
At vampire central, Stefan's trying to figure out what purpose Damon has for throwing a party. Not on the guest list the last time Damon threw one, I can see why Stefan doesn't know how rocking Damon's bashes are. Lexie, on the other hand, is working her magic to get Stefan to go.
Lexie: It's the only way you'll know for sure what Damon's up to.
Stefan: Sold!
Elena shows up at the boarding house...some time later, I presume. When she rings the doorbell, Lexie's voice from inside invites her in. Thinking it's another party friend, Lexie comes bounding down the hall--
Lexie: Holy shit! It's Katherine! Back, demon, back I say!
Elena is caught off guard by Lexie's intense stare. And the fact she’s in only a towel, while Stefan’s taking a shower. She thinks introducing herself will make the situation better. Lexie mumbles through her own name...but continues to stare. Catching a case of the willy nillies from Lexie, Elena excuses herself and leaves.
Pausing on the porch, Elena looks like she’s just been punched through the chest. I do not want to hear it if your pissed about the Lexie situation, Elena. You broke up with Stefan. M’kay? Let’s remember that. You and Stefan are no longer to-geth-er. And really, if you are so worked up about it, then get back inside and get your man, woman!
Elena hasn't even peeled out of the driveway before Lexie confronts Stefan about the subtle similarities between Katherine and Elena. Subtle? Who am I kidding? The blaring, five alarm, in your face fact that Katherine and Elena are one and the same. Lexie's ringing the bell, as Stefan has a "Aww, shucks" look on his face. I am not even joking about that last part. He really looks like a puppy who's just been busted for crapping all over the place.
Once he pulls himself together, Stefan goes into damage control. He works to convince Lexie he isn't twisted. "I have no desire to tie Elena to Katherine" In reality, he's trying to convince all of us because dating your ex-girlfriend/Sire's long lost twin is not cool. He's off to a rocky beginning by admitting Elena's resemblance was what attracted him first. Lexie starts looking around for a frying pan she can beat him with. However, Stefan quickly moves on and lists what makes Elena a better person than Katherine. "Elena is warm...she's kind and she's caring and she's selfless." Plus, Elena has a heartbeat. The most important truth is Elena makes Stefan forget he is a monster...which could lead to problems later down the road in the intimacy department, if you ask me. Lexie asks Stefan if he loves her. Stefan says yes. Awww...but wrong person to be saying that to, Stefan. Because love is involved, Lexie bounces back into her partying mood. Fine, whatever, as long as she doesn't start talking about babies I can deal with Lexie's manic depression.
At the scene of the night's upcoming horrors festivities, Caroline admires her quick party planning.
Caroline: I should myself a pat on the back for how quickly this came together. Gee, I don't remember asking for a chocolate fountain. Come to think of it, I don't remember having plans for a party. Oh, there's Damon!
She bounces up to the bar where Damon is most likely going to spend most of his time. Can't fool me Damon with your vampire dance party a few weeks ago. Something tells me you're a wallflower who prefers alcohol over the ladies. Caroline tries to liven the mood by asking Damon if he's having fun.
Damon: "Do you have my crystal?"
Caroline: "No."
Damon: "Then I'm not having a good time."
Will someone please get this girl some vervain so Damon cannot mind freak her anymore. Caroline is relieved of Damon when he spies Lexie enter the place.
Damon: Hello, sexy friend of my brother.
Lexie: Bitch, please.
Damon is left with a sour look on his face. Uh oh, someone's getting grumpy. And we all know what happens when Damon gets cranky--he does some stupid shit.
Before heading to the bash, Stefan drops by Elena's to smooth things over between her and Lexie. Elena acts like a wounded animal until Stefan explains he and Lexie are friends. They aren't together--never have been--and are solely on a platonic level. Because they're friends. Just because Lexie is a fellow vampire, it doesn't mean Stefan and her ever did anything together. Except for party and get high and drink humans who passed out. But it was on a total friend level. Friends! I say!
Elena: Seriously, I'm finding that hard to believe that. Have you seen Lexie? She was in a towel when I came over. Are you sure you aren't hitting that? Or, wait, is Lexie gay?
Stefan: What?! No! I told you, Lexie and I are 100% just fri...why, yes, Lexie is gay. Totally and completely into girls, she is.
Elena's biggest problem is that Lexie was staring at her. Apparently Elena hasn't been locked in a 8 hour drive with Jeremy and played the "Stop Looking at Me!" game. Stefan brushes it off like it's nothing. And it definitely has nothing to do with Elena looking like Katherine. Nope, not that. Why do you ask?
After the back-to-back banter, we finally get down to the root cause of Elena's attitude: She hates keeping Stefan's secret. Woe! Bonnie's confession of being a witch has made Elena realize she wants to be able to talk about things. Stefan steps up to the plate and promises he'll always be around to listen to Elena. I give it two episodes before Stefan grows tired of Elena's mortal angst.
Hey, since we're mending our friendship and all, why don't you two crazy kids go to The Grill? Stefan likes the idea and even throws in for free that it's his birthday to sweeten the deal. Elena is not sweetened. Finding out her friend is a witch and Stefan has a blonde, big boobed BFF makes Elena think staying in a good idea. Stefan tucks his tail between his legs and leaves. Judging by the longing look Elena gives as she shuts the door, she's going to have second thoughts and show up right as Stefan and Lexie start making out because they cannot deny their love any longer as Damon is doing something evil.
Woot! Woot! The Grill is happenin' tonight! Everyone's drinking, dancing, laughing, and not suspecting that two vampires are in their mist. It's just a typical day at Mystic Falls!
Caroline finally catches up to Bonnie and asks for the necklace back. Grandma Jasmine's pep talk with Bonnie has made her non-too inclined to give up Emily's amulet. Failing miserably, Caroline tells Bonnie the necklace makes her look fat.
Bonnie: You Bitch!
Bonnie isn't going down without a fight and she and Caroline argue over rightful ownership of the talisman. I'm going to side with Bonnie, since it was her ancestor and all that had it first. Unless Emily stole it from Damon, then, um, give it back to him. Bonnie soon realizes that Damon's put Caroline up to getting the necklace back. As she and Damon aren't calling each other late at night to talk about the recent Grey's Anatomy episode, Bonnie won't be giving her necklace up. Caroline goes to take it and finds out what Damon did when he tried the same dumbass move. Electrocution, ahoy! Point, Bonnie.
Stefan shows up to the shindig. Immediately, he runs into Matt (awkward!) and tries to tell Matt he was helping Vicki. That he, himself, went through the same thing Vicki was struggling with. Matt, wisely, doesn't want to know the details. He leaves it that Vicki's like their mother--he can't count on both of them. Oh, Matty, the bar's over there.
Retaining most of her skin from Bonnie's necklace attack, Caroline thinks whining to Damon about it will make things better. Cue rude awakening time riiiiiiight now. The bad vampire boyfriend comes out of Damon. He proceeds to tell Caroline that she's stupid, selfish, and shallow. Bringing out the three S's of teenage-dom. Ouch. Guess it ain't a party until the perky blonde has her ego shattered.
While Lexie is doing her best to drag Stefan out to the dance floor and have fun on his 162 year old birthday, Damon leaves the party. Now that he has thrown Caroline off of her pedestal, his work is done. Wrong. Damon catches a couple making out. Since the CW is preparing to air a threesome on Gossip Girl, they feel obligated to show why sex is a no-no to their young viewers. Damon eats the boyfriend. The girlfriend, however, isn't wearing a red shirt, so she'll be okay. I think.
Little Miss Predictability, Elena has changed her mind and arrives at The Grill. Luckily for her, Stefan and Lexie are only playing pool and not making out in the back of the room. On the flip side, Elena's come just as Damon finished his little nibble out in the parking lot. They spar with words. Hey! Watch where you're flinging your witty comebacks--you could poke someone's eye out!
Their Snark Guns empty, Elena turns the conversation over to Damon's trip with Jeremy's mind. Specifically the part where Jeremy is acting like a pod person. I can see why Elena would freak out. I just don't understand why she's so upset. Didn't she want Jeremy to be fixed? Well, fixed is what she got and now she grumpy about that. Does nothing please this girl?
Elena keeps badgering Damon, claiming that he did something wrong. He broke Jeremy even more by getting him to do his homework and pick up his socks in his room. For God's sakes he isn't at the party drinking like everyone else! Pressed, Damon smugly replies, "Elena, I took away his suffering." Bingo. Point, Damon.
As this is going on, Bonnie is confronted by a more hostile Caroline. (Someone has been taking advantage of her fake ID.) Caroline is PO'd by Damon's implication that she's stupid. Remembering they're friends, Bonnie doesn't point out the truth in the statement. She does her best to work Caroline out from under Damon's fingernail. Until Caroline gets some vervain, there is no helping her.
Meanwhile, outside The Grill are the police--who have just found Damon's handy work with the dead boyfriend. I'm telling you, Damon keeps this up and Mystic Falls is going to run out of livestock.
Back inside, Lexie's really living it up. Like, a lot. She mind freaks the bartender into giving her free drinks, which she downs like a cactus needing water. She sees Elena sitting by herself and, surprisingly, joins her. Um, either she's going to pull the threatening act with Elena or she wants to make amends with her. E., you did remember to pack your portable wooden stake, yes?
Elena is shocked that Lexie is drinking. Well, to be fair, Elena and Stefan's Getting to Know You, Round Two all but ceased when Katherine was brought into the mix. Elena notices Stefan seems looser in Lexie's company. Not even rubbing her nose in it, Lexie explains Stefan needs time. But the first step, like Lexie says, is that he told Elena what he is. Asking how she is so confident, Lexie switches the mix by confessing to Elena the love of her life was human! OMG, it's like they're sister--only they like people of the opposite genetic category. Lexie gives Elena a motivational, love conquers all speech--a more feminine one that she gave Stefan a few hours ago. She tells Elena to go with her feelings, which are as clear as day because she is here at the bar. Thank you, Vampiress Obvious. But, I sort of like Lexie. Aww, man, that means something is going to happen to her. (See Zach)
Female bonding over with, Lexie leaves Elena to think about what she said. After she drinks Elena's shot because Lexie's living it up! Woohoo!
Oh, how cute! Stefan was listening in on Lexie and Elena's conversation because he thanks Lexie for being such a good, platonic friend. Okay, slightly creepy, but how can it be when they're in loooooove?
Before we're allowed to get all giggly about this budding threesome (No, Gossip Girl, not in that way!), we have to check in with Cop Mom who is on the scene of Damon's drinking fest. See, I was right. He left the girlfriend alone. Sure the girlfriend's shaking like a small dog and looks haggard, but that's nothing a nice hot cocoa can fix.
Cop Mom: "Tell me everything you saw."
The Shaking Girlfriend: Well, it...it said I could live because...because...because I wasn't wearing a red shirt! WHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Having the sit-down with Lexie did wonders on Elena. She's all happy now and goes over to Stefan. Man, Lexie should really think about opening a couples counseling business. Things are starting to look up for our wayward vampire and mortal girl. Oh, oh, are we in for birthday sex? What? I can dream, can't I?
Feeling not so hot is Caroline, who has been drowning her sorrows--which can't be a lot since she's shallow--with alcohol. She falls into the booth Matt is sitting at, and Matt's buddy conveniently leaves him to deal with Caroline on his own. She spends a second moping about everyone being mean to her, before the curly fries on the table distract her. Caroline regroups and honestly asks Matt if she's shallow. Matt looks like a deer in the headlights. I'm sure he's use to cleaning up after a drunken mess, not talk to one. Not getting an answer, Caroline continues to have her pity party and earnestly tells Matt she doesn't mean to be shallow. She wants to be "the abyss deep". Oh, I see what you're doing, VD writers, you are setting up a new couple in a very sly way. Yeah, not too deep there. My personal favorite is when Caroline compares herself to a kiddie pool.
The Bad Idea Bears get to Matt and he decides to take Caroline home. Unable to walk properly, Matt carries her out of The Grill...where they run into Cop Mom.
Cop Mom: "She's drunk?"
Caroline: "As a skunk."
Matt carries off Caroline so Cop Mom can get back to her vampire sting operation disguised as an underage drinking bust.
Back inside, Lexie interrogates Damon about his purpose for being in Mystic Falls. Um, isn't it obvious? He's there to fuck with Stefan. How long have you known Damon, Lexie? Damon, like a good little solider, talks about his BIG! plans. I would like to point out that we haven't heard a stitch about Damon's BIG! plans for a while until now. ("They're going to be BIG! HUGE!, I say!") I'm beginning to suspect Damon isn't the great mastermind the viewers have been set up to believe, and he is, in fact, more of an "in the moment" kinda of guy. Case and point, Vicki.
Before Lexie can grill him even harder, Cop Mom comes rolling in with the traumatized girlfriend, who is asked to point out the bad man who touched her. Oh, no. Pst, Lexie, move away from Damon before...oh, snap, too late. As suspected since her arrival, the vampire blame gets placed on Lexie.
Cop Mom to the rescue! She injects Lexie with a vervain cocktail. Stefan and Elena are watching the whole thing and try to follow Cop Mom as she and her posse heave an unconscious Lexie outside. Stefan and Elena are cock blocked by a policeman and try to find another way out.
Outside, Lexie gets a second wind of energy and flings the two macho policemen off of her. Cop Mom does what she's trained to do and starts shooting. Unfortunately, she forgot to pack her wooden bullets and her shots are doing little damage. Hurry up, Stefan and Elena. I'm not saying Cop Mom doesn't deserve to die, but having another one of Elena's acquaintances killed isn't going to do much for your relationship.
Lexie puts her vampire face on after the fourth shot. Shit is about to go down. As she lunges forward to eat Mom Cop, Damon appears and stakes Lexie through the heart. I guess he's getting back at her for dissing him at the bar? Maybe? Just as Lexie's staked, Stefan and Elena come into view, but they hid behind a building, unable to do a damn thing.
Lexie is about as shocked and confused as I am. She has a reason to be, though, since there's a wooden stake stuck in her now.
Lexie: "Why?"
Damon: "It's part of the plan."
Me: Oh, bullshit, Damon. You couldn't plan your way out of a paper bag.
Lexie dies in the middle of my screaming at the television. Yes, this one semi-hurt because Lexie wasn't that bad. Instead of taking the cliched route, the writers actually made a platonic relationship for Stefan with another vampire. However, if I have to choose between losing Lexie or Stefan, buh bye, Lexie. You were cool and all, but Stefan's hot.
Anyway with Lexie dead at Damon's hands, you know bad things are about to go down at the Salvatore Boarding House. Apart from Paul Wesley's emoting across the parking lot, Damon is in a heap of trouble. Oh, but his day is not over yet.
Cop Mom: Help me get her into the back of the car. We'll make it look like a car accident.
Damon: Yeah, because you normally drive from the trunk.
Once Lexie's stashed in the car, Cop Mom goes back to the bar and does her elected duty and arrests the bartender for serving alcohol to the town's minors.
Boy standing in back: Psh, that's okay. We'll take the party to my house where my parents have alcohol in the liquor cabinet.
Rock on, kiddies.
As she passes Damon, Cop Mom comments him on his staking ability. Oh gosh, Damon, stop flirting with the middle aged women. It is soooo not sexy. Also, Damon can rest easy because Cop Mom believes the whole ordeal is over. For now. Come on, you know the moment Zach doesn't come back from his "trip" Cop Mom's going to get suspicious and make another list of the recent arrivals to Mystic Falls.
Matt arrives at Caroline's house--with little puke damage on his shirt--and carries her up to her bedroom. Hey, Matty, it's like having Vicki back, isn't it? Caroline's moved the pity party from The Grill to her bed. She whines about not being loved. Matt tries to leave before it gets way too awkward. Too late, because Caroline asks Matt to stay. By staying, I don't think she meant climb into bed with her, Matt. I'm just sayin'. Yeah, they are totally pimping out this new coupling. First Caroline goes after the other Salvatore and now she's picking up Elena's leftovers. At least Vicki isn't around to see this.
Speaking of staked vampires, how's birthday boy holding up?
Stefan: This is the worst birthday, EVER!
Elena: I think you're being a little drama--
Stefan: EVER!!!!!!
Oh yeah, Stefan's about to throw a major fit like the ones you see on My Super Sweet Sixteen when the parents get the right car, but the wrong interior color. Stefan, though, has a good reason to have a bitch fest. Besides killing Lexie, Damon’s also killed Zach, Mr. Tanner, Vicki, and a slew of other nobodies. Reaching a turnaround in his 162 year old age, Stefan realizes Damon will never, ever change.
Elena's trying to calm down the pissed off vampire she's with. She doesn't want to save Damon--she's trying to save Stefan. Awww. Stefan, now is your chance to step up and...tell Elena to go to hell? Dammit. What did you two just go over? You were both going to be listening buddies. You were going to stay up late talking about everything under the sun, braid each other's hair, Elena would have milk and cookies, and you, S., would have a Bloody Mary, Type O Neg. Instead, you're running off to kill your murderous brother.
Elena: When are you going to act your age, Stefan?!
Stefan storms off, Elena's left with a "WTF" face, and I am shaking my head and asking why did the writers even bother to come in if nothing was accomplished here. I'm finding it hilarious, though, that Stefan has no problems spilling everything to Lexie, including the part where he admits that he loves Elena. Yet, he gets all pissed at Elena--the "love" of his life--when she tries to talk to him. Stefan, are you sure there was nothing going on between you and Lexie?
And I am not buying that Damon feels "Oh, so guilty" about staking Lexie that he needs to make himself a drink. Or four. Oh, sh--! Stefan's home. Stefan wastes no time in FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. He throws Damon across the room and starts beating the crap out of him--which Damon lets him. I mean, there are a few times Damon could put the situation to bed and knock Stefan out cold. Yet, he doesn't. Damon gets a few hits in, but eventually Stefan gets him pinned against the fireplace and OH MY GOD! He finally did it! He staked Damon in the...stomach? Huh?
Stefan proclaims he and Damon are even from the time Damon saved his life in the cemetery right before Logan staked him. Okay, so now you're going to stake him in the heart, right, Stefan?
Stefan: *walks away*
Noooo! Come back and finish the job. You just told Elena you know Damon’s never going to change and he must be stopped! Why did you say all those things if you’re not going to do them?! Finish him off, Stefan! Come baaaaaaack! Well, this is officially the worst birthday ever.
Our resident witch isn't having that good of a day, either. Bonnie's having a nightmare, and like all nightmares, she is being chased down by an invisible evil force and running through the woods. There are close-ups of trees, Bonnie's panicking face, the talisman, and then Bonnie fulfills every running heroine's role by falling down. Still in dreamland, she’s greeted by Emily. ”It’s coming.” Which causes Bonnie to wake-up, not in her bed, but in the cemetery. Oh, by the way, Bonnie's premonition, I think “it” is already here.
Bonnie: Son of a bitch! It's a mile from my house to the cemetery. Stupid necklace...shoulda given it back...Gross! There's mud all over my feet...this sucks!
After riding a semi-awesome high, VD is beginning to slide. Nothing happened in this episode. Nothing. I really could sum it all up by saying Stefan had an old friend come into town--who wasn't an ex, they partied, Damon messed things up, Stefan's mad at him again, and he and Elena are not back together. The end. Next week's episode promises to be Bonnie central, so maybe that's a good sign? All I know is I have little faith in the writers keeping this show going pass six seasons. They may get four seasons if they're lucky. Huge "may” if they keep pumping out this lackluster type of product.
Episode 9: "History Repeating"
Where the VD writers failed is Damon's offer coming out of the blue, to the point it seems out of character for him. A little build up so the audience thinks that Damon isn't all that bad would have been welcomed. Now that we've got Damon's dual layers exposed, shall we shatter the viewer's ideals of Stefan? Yes, the writers will try.
Previous Episode
Previously on The Newly-Vamped Game, the cat is out of the bag for Elena and she realizes she's one werewolf away from becoming Bella Swan. Woe! And then Jeremy's heart was broken when Vicki was vamped because of Damon's boredom, she went all psycho newborn on Jeremy, and Stefan had to stake her. Woe! But, in a quasi-shocker, Damon offered to mind wipe Jeremy for Elena so he didn't have to remember what happened to Vicki, since Stefan pulled the "I can't, I'm on a diet" excuse. Woe! Also, Elena confused she's partly down with the whole vampire pallor Stefan has going on, but she has to play hard to get because she has the weight of the remaining 14 episodes for the season on her shoulder. Well, duh! (Oh, my gosh, we really have 14 more to go? Help!)
The show's off to a different start this weekend. It's like someone complained because instead of being in a remote location, it starts at the Salvatore Boarding House. It isn't a dumb idiot alone, it's Stefan. See? Absolutely different. We all know nothing bad can happen to him. So, we can ignore the haunting wind, fluttering drapes, quick shadowy movements that are trying to scare us. Besides, it has to be Damon's that messing with him. Only, it isn't. It's some chesty blonde named Lexie, who must be Stefan's BBF from summer camp based on his chillax nature to her when she tackles him to the ground to wish him a happy birthday.
Lexie: I got you! Time for...Birthday tickles!
The episode’s title, at first, got me really excited because I thought it meant Bonnie would be using her fire power and burn stuff down. Nooooo, that is not what "162 Candles" represents. It represents Stefan's age because it's his birthday. As an aside, why has nobody pointed out the May-December romances these vampire-mortal relationships portray. Okay, technically he looks 17, so no one says he's too old for her. But, that's like a pedophile saying, "Well she looked like an adult. How was I suppose to know she was only 14 with the way she's dressed?"
Back from the title card break, Stefan and Lexie stayed up all night gabbing about what's been going on in Mystic Falls.
Stefan: Same old, same old. Damon's a douchebag, I'm cleaning up after his mess, Damon's being a big, fat meanie, I'm staying on the straight and narrow, Damon's a dick and eating everyone on sight. Did I mention Damon's an asshat?
Lexie asks the obvious question: Why doesn't Stefan leave with the pot being stirred so vigorously? All of us know the chorus: Because it’s all for Elena! I'm tired of this song and dance, to be honest. There are ways to keep the core relationship going besides keeping said lovers apart. Perhaps we'll get some progress with it being Stefan's 162nd birthday and all. I should mention two other things: Lexie and Stefan are total BFF's. Like, if both didn't have dates to the prom, I would assume they'd go together as friends. Yes, friends. Also, Lexie doesn't have a kick ass ring like the Salvatores, so she's stuck to the house. Further proof that the promos last week lied. Lexie isn't here to win back Stefan. She's just here to celebrate his birthday and move on. Pity, because I had some great ex-girlfriend vampire vs. Elena mash ups ready. Now who do I get to use them on?
Certainly not Cop Mom while she interrogates the entire teen population about Vicki's whereabouts. I should upgrade her title to Mom Sheriff, since that's her position and all, but she won't earn her Sheriff badge until she puts two and two together and figures out who the vampires are. Till then, we are treated to a montage of Matt, Jeremy, Elena, and Stefan answering Cop Mom's questions and weaving together a concise story of Vicki's disappearance. It's so cute how they're finishing each other’s sentences and Jeremy's repeating verbatim what Elena told Damon to replace his memories with. They all say the same thing: "Vicki totally left Mystic Falls on her complete own will." Getting nowhere, Cop Mom is forced to let everyone go.
Outside the police station (which seems to be way too big for such a small town, if you ask me), Stefan tries to relive the male bonding days he and Matt had playing football. That would be a "no" on Matt's end, who ignores Stefan. Elena and Jeremy, shockingly with Aunt Jenna, are the next to come out. Elena hangs behind to talk to Stefan. He thanks her for lying, and Elena is all, "Whatever." Oh noes, she's starting to have second thoughts about the mind freak she ASKED Damon to put on Jeremy. Remember, she ASKED him to do it. Completing a trifecta of Stefan's misery, Elena tells him to stay away from her. Stefan hums a mournful "Happy Birthday to Me" as Elena walks away.
Being stuck inside the Salvatore Boarding House doesn't get any better for Lexie when she's surprised by Damon being in bed with her.
Lexie: Eww, gross. Did you just get tramp blood all over the sheets?
Already the tension between the two can be cut with a knife. Makes me think there's somethin' somethin' that happened between them. It probably begins and ends in Damon's mind. Another layer of Lexie is shown after she tells Damon he's "only the bad parts" of a vampire. Whoa, watch where you're swinging the barbwire, Lex. Damon doesn't like the word no and continues to bug Lexie. Older by about two hundred years, Lexie is stronger and faster. She flies over Damon and grabs him by the throat. In another show of misrepresentation, Lexie's threat about ruining her time with Stefan is directed to Damon and not Elena. O vey, we are in for a looooong episode.
The increasingly growing in awesomeness Bonnie has been spending a lot of time with Grandma Jasmine. I would be too if some crazy douchebag kept asking for a powerful necklace/amulet/crystal/talisman back. (Let's see how many names I can up for that thing around Bonnie's neck.) We also find out that Bonnie's father disapproves of her hanging out with Grandma Jasmine--mostly since he doesn't believe in the witchcraft stuff. He'd change his tune if Bonnie showed him her powers. Before she leaves, Grandma Jasmine reminds Bonnie to keep her ancestor's, Emily, necklace around her at all times. "A witches' talisman is a powerful tool."
Bonnie: Get with the times, Grams. Mace is the way to go.
Another uncomfortable family dynamic is the Gilberts. Let's visit them for a bit. Making another appearance is Aunt Jenna. Her reason for being gone last episode, I guess, is because she was in her dark place with Logan suddenly leaving town. "Leaving town" must be the new code phrase like how "Uncle Jim's just gone on vacation" was back in the '50's--when Uncle Jim was really locked up. Logan's lack of emailing or texting Aunt Jenna is trumped by Jeremy doing his homework. Gasp! Elena jokes, "What do you think, alien?", with Aunt Jenna's reply being, "Some sort of replicant." Joking aside, Elena knows something is terribly, terribly wrong. Ah, you think, E.?
Jeremy's odd behavior segues nicely into Damon showing up at Cop Mom's office with a box of vervain. You know, Damon had to do it since Zach's "left town".
Cop Mom: I just don't know what it is, but everyone's leaving town. First it's Zach, then Logan, and now Vicki. It's like there's something in the air.
Damon: *loosens his shirt collar*
Totally not taking a page from Psychotic Murderers 101, Damon inserts himself into Cop Mom's vampire investigation. Not going as well as she'd like, Cop Mom tells Damon she's been rethinking the vampire myths--starting with the whole sunlight bit. "We have to consider the vampire may be walking around during the day. Right in front of us."
Damon: Gee, did it get hot in here all of a sudden?
Cop Mom says she's going to begin looking at the people in town who arrived around the time the murders started. Damon offers to help. Hint: He's going to steer the search as far from him as possible.
Feeling like a lousy friend, Bonnie goes to Elena's house. She finds her moping in bed. Seems Elena has been anti-social since the whole Vicki incident. For the first time, Elena tells Bonnie that she and Stefan broke-up, but she doesn't want to talk about it. Doesn't want to or can't? I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say it's a mixture of both. Elena asks Bonnie to take her mind off of Stefan. Bonnie complies by ripping open one of Elena's pillows.
Elena: Um, a pillow fight in our underwear is not what I had in mind.
But, Bonnie isn't interested in a pillow fight. She wants to show Elena her new trick. The All Powerful Bonnie has learned to levitate feathers. Uh, Bonnie, most can make feathers float by blowing air under them... Okay, most can't make a whole bunch float at the same time. Elena is transfixed, and feeling inadequate next to Stefan and Bonnie. I'm smitten as well, since the CGI doesn't look as dopey as I would expect it to. Then, Bonnie lets Elena in on her secret: "I'm a witch." And Elena says she believes her...like she wouldn't? Really? Her ex-boyfriend is a vampire, but there's a reason she'd doubt Bonnie being a witch? I am just going to focus on Bonnie's confession being another secret Elena needs to keep. Woe!
As Elena and Bonnie talk about their feelings under floating feathers, Caroline has the misfortune of running into Damon. She starts off strong and lays into him for being a complete jerkwad. That is, until Damon mind freaks her into being his puppet again. He convinces her to throw a party at The Grill because he needs a big crowd. What for? Is he finally going to slaughter the town? No, Damon claims he's going to solve the town's vampire problem. By solve, Damon means make it worse, I'm guessing. He also insists that Caroline get his necklace back from Bonnie. Damon, if you couldn't get it back, what makes you think Caroline will have better luck?
At the Salvatore abode, Lexie digs for information on Elena out of Stefan. This includes a sex talk. Stefan looks horrified--not by the idea, but because Lexie would ask such a thing. Considering Lexie is sucking blood out of a plastic bag, I will not be surprised by anything that comes out of her mouth. As she drinks, she pays Stefan a compliment about his tenacity with the animal diet. I'm dying inside by the implication that Stefan's a god amongst vampires because he's abstaining from human blood. True vampires do not abstain from blood!
Damon comes home just as Lexie asks Stefan what his birthday plans are. Damon jumps in and tells them about the party at The Grill. Stefan is not amused, especially when he finds out Damon mind freaked Caroline into throwing it. Damon half ass explains, "We need to blend." Playing the higher than thou card, Damon turns his nose up at Lexie's plastic bag stash. Truthfully, D., you lost all superior rights when you turned Vicki into a vampire.
Bored with levitating the oh-so-heavy feathers, Bonnie starts to have second thoughts about letting Elena in on her secret. "You don't think I'm a freak now, do you?"
Elena: Honestly? Learning you're a witch is pretty normal compared with everything else that’s been going on.
And then Bonnie makes Elena feel even worse by telling her she could never keep a secret from her. They are friends and they shouldn't have any secrets between them.
Elena: Oh, boy, is it me or is really hot in here all of sudden?
At vampire central, Stefan's trying to figure out what purpose Damon has for throwing a party. Not on the guest list the last time Damon threw one, I can see why Stefan doesn't know how rocking Damon's bashes are. Lexie, on the other hand, is working her magic to get Stefan to go.
Lexie: It's the only way you'll know for sure what Damon's up to.
Stefan: Sold!
Elena shows up at the boarding house...some time later, I presume. When she rings the doorbell, Lexie's voice from inside invites her in. Thinking it's another party friend, Lexie comes bounding down the hall--
Lexie: Holy shit! It's Katherine! Back, demon, back I say!
Elena is caught off guard by Lexie's intense stare. And the fact she’s in only a towel, while Stefan’s taking a shower. She thinks introducing herself will make the situation better. Lexie mumbles through her own name...but continues to stare. Catching a case of the willy nillies from Lexie, Elena excuses herself and leaves.
Pausing on the porch, Elena looks like she’s just been punched through the chest. I do not want to hear it if your pissed about the Lexie situation, Elena. You broke up with Stefan. M’kay? Let’s remember that. You and Stefan are no longer to-geth-er. And really, if you are so worked up about it, then get back inside and get your man, woman!
Elena hasn't even peeled out of the driveway before Lexie confronts Stefan about the subtle similarities between Katherine and Elena. Subtle? Who am I kidding? The blaring, five alarm, in your face fact that Katherine and Elena are one and the same. Lexie's ringing the bell, as Stefan has a "Aww, shucks" look on his face. I am not even joking about that last part. He really looks like a puppy who's just been busted for crapping all over the place.
Once he pulls himself together, Stefan goes into damage control. He works to convince Lexie he isn't twisted. "I have no desire to tie Elena to Katherine" In reality, he's trying to convince all of us because dating your ex-girlfriend/Sire's long lost twin is not cool. He's off to a rocky beginning by admitting Elena's resemblance was what attracted him first. Lexie starts looking around for a frying pan she can beat him with. However, Stefan quickly moves on and lists what makes Elena a better person than Katherine. "Elena is warm...she's kind and she's caring and she's selfless." Plus, Elena has a heartbeat. The most important truth is Elena makes Stefan forget he is a monster...which could lead to problems later down the road in the intimacy department, if you ask me. Lexie asks Stefan if he loves her. Stefan says yes. Awww...but wrong person to be saying that to, Stefan. Because love is involved, Lexie bounces back into her partying mood. Fine, whatever, as long as she doesn't start talking about babies I can deal with Lexie's manic depression.
At the scene of the night's upcoming horrors festivities, Caroline admires her quick party planning.
Caroline: I should myself a pat on the back for how quickly this came together. Gee, I don't remember asking for a chocolate fountain. Come to think of it, I don't remember having plans for a party. Oh, there's Damon!
She bounces up to the bar where Damon is most likely going to spend most of his time. Can't fool me Damon with your vampire dance party a few weeks ago. Something tells me you're a wallflower who prefers alcohol over the ladies. Caroline tries to liven the mood by asking Damon if he's having fun.
Damon: "Do you have my crystal?"
Caroline: "No."
Damon: "Then I'm not having a good time."
Will someone please get this girl some vervain so Damon cannot mind freak her anymore. Caroline is relieved of Damon when he spies Lexie enter the place.
Damon: Hello, sexy friend of my brother.
Lexie: Bitch, please.
Damon is left with a sour look on his face. Uh oh, someone's getting grumpy. And we all know what happens when Damon gets cranky--he does some stupid shit.
Before heading to the bash, Stefan drops by Elena's to smooth things over between her and Lexie. Elena acts like a wounded animal until Stefan explains he and Lexie are friends. They aren't together--never have been--and are solely on a platonic level. Because they're friends. Just because Lexie is a fellow vampire, it doesn't mean Stefan and her ever did anything together. Except for party and get high and drink humans who passed out. But it was on a total friend level. Friends! I say!
Elena: Seriously, I'm finding that hard to believe that. Have you seen Lexie? She was in a towel when I came over. Are you sure you aren't hitting that? Or, wait, is Lexie gay?
Stefan: What?! No! I told you, Lexie and I are 100% just fri...why, yes, Lexie is gay. Totally and completely into girls, she is.
Elena's biggest problem is that Lexie was staring at her. Apparently Elena hasn't been locked in a 8 hour drive with Jeremy and played the "Stop Looking at Me!" game. Stefan brushes it off like it's nothing. And it definitely has nothing to do with Elena looking like Katherine. Nope, not that. Why do you ask?
After the back-to-back banter, we finally get down to the root cause of Elena's attitude: She hates keeping Stefan's secret. Woe! Bonnie's confession of being a witch has made Elena realize she wants to be able to talk about things. Stefan steps up to the plate and promises he'll always be around to listen to Elena. I give it two episodes before Stefan grows tired of Elena's mortal angst.
Hey, since we're mending our friendship and all, why don't you two crazy kids go to The Grill? Stefan likes the idea and even throws in for free that it's his birthday to sweeten the deal. Elena is not sweetened. Finding out her friend is a witch and Stefan has a blonde, big boobed BFF makes Elena think staying in a good idea. Stefan tucks his tail between his legs and leaves. Judging by the longing look Elena gives as she shuts the door, she's going to have second thoughts and show up right as Stefan and Lexie start making out because they cannot deny their love any longer as Damon is doing something evil.
Woot! Woot! The Grill is happenin' tonight! Everyone's drinking, dancing, laughing, and not suspecting that two vampires are in their mist. It's just a typical day at Mystic Falls!
Caroline finally catches up to Bonnie and asks for the necklace back. Grandma Jasmine's pep talk with Bonnie has made her non-too inclined to give up Emily's amulet. Failing miserably, Caroline tells Bonnie the necklace makes her look fat.
Bonnie: You Bitch!
Bonnie isn't going down without a fight and she and Caroline argue over rightful ownership of the talisman. I'm going to side with Bonnie, since it was her ancestor and all that had it first. Unless Emily stole it from Damon, then, um, give it back to him. Bonnie soon realizes that Damon's put Caroline up to getting the necklace back. As she and Damon aren't calling each other late at night to talk about the recent Grey's Anatomy episode, Bonnie won't be giving her necklace up. Caroline goes to take it and finds out what Damon did when he tried the same dumbass move. Electrocution, ahoy! Point, Bonnie.
Stefan shows up to the shindig. Immediately, he runs into Matt (awkward!) and tries to tell Matt he was helping Vicki. That he, himself, went through the same thing Vicki was struggling with. Matt, wisely, doesn't want to know the details. He leaves it that Vicki's like their mother--he can't count on both of them. Oh, Matty, the bar's over there.
Retaining most of her skin from Bonnie's necklace attack, Caroline thinks whining to Damon about it will make things better. Cue rude awakening time riiiiiiight now. The bad vampire boyfriend comes out of Damon. He proceeds to tell Caroline that she's stupid, selfish, and shallow. Bringing out the three S's of teenage-dom. Ouch. Guess it ain't a party until the perky blonde has her ego shattered.
While Lexie is doing her best to drag Stefan out to the dance floor and have fun on his 162 year old birthday, Damon leaves the party. Now that he has thrown Caroline off of her pedestal, his work is done. Wrong. Damon catches a couple making out. Since the CW is preparing to air a threesome on Gossip Girl, they feel obligated to show why sex is a no-no to their young viewers. Damon eats the boyfriend. The girlfriend, however, isn't wearing a red shirt, so she'll be okay. I think.
Little Miss Predictability, Elena has changed her mind and arrives at The Grill. Luckily for her, Stefan and Lexie are only playing pool and not making out in the back of the room. On the flip side, Elena's come just as Damon finished his little nibble out in the parking lot. They spar with words. Hey! Watch where you're flinging your witty comebacks--you could poke someone's eye out!
Their Snark Guns empty, Elena turns the conversation over to Damon's trip with Jeremy's mind. Specifically the part where Jeremy is acting like a pod person. I can see why Elena would freak out. I just don't understand why she's so upset. Didn't she want Jeremy to be fixed? Well, fixed is what she got and now she grumpy about that. Does nothing please this girl?
Elena keeps badgering Damon, claiming that he did something wrong. He broke Jeremy even more by getting him to do his homework and pick up his socks in his room. For God's sakes he isn't at the party drinking like everyone else! Pressed, Damon smugly replies, "Elena, I took away his suffering." Bingo. Point, Damon.
As this is going on, Bonnie is confronted by a more hostile Caroline. (Someone has been taking advantage of her fake ID.) Caroline is PO'd by Damon's implication that she's stupid. Remembering they're friends, Bonnie doesn't point out the truth in the statement. She does her best to work Caroline out from under Damon's fingernail. Until Caroline gets some vervain, there is no helping her.
Meanwhile, outside The Grill are the police--who have just found Damon's handy work with the dead boyfriend. I'm telling you, Damon keeps this up and Mystic Falls is going to run out of livestock.
Back inside, Lexie's really living it up. Like, a lot. She mind freaks the bartender into giving her free drinks, which she downs like a cactus needing water. She sees Elena sitting by herself and, surprisingly, joins her. Um, either she's going to pull the threatening act with Elena or she wants to make amends with her. E., you did remember to pack your portable wooden stake, yes?
Elena is shocked that Lexie is drinking. Well, to be fair, Elena and Stefan's Getting to Know You, Round Two all but ceased when Katherine was brought into the mix. Elena notices Stefan seems looser in Lexie's company. Not even rubbing her nose in it, Lexie explains Stefan needs time. But the first step, like Lexie says, is that he told Elena what he is. Asking how she is so confident, Lexie switches the mix by confessing to Elena the love of her life was human! OMG, it's like they're sister--only they like people of the opposite genetic category. Lexie gives Elena a motivational, love conquers all speech--a more feminine one that she gave Stefan a few hours ago. She tells Elena to go with her feelings, which are as clear as day because she is here at the bar. Thank you, Vampiress Obvious. But, I sort of like Lexie. Aww, man, that means something is going to happen to her. (See Zach)
Female bonding over with, Lexie leaves Elena to think about what she said. After she drinks Elena's shot because Lexie's living it up! Woohoo!
Oh, how cute! Stefan was listening in on Lexie and Elena's conversation because he thanks Lexie for being such a good, platonic friend. Okay, slightly creepy, but how can it be when they're in loooooove?
Before we're allowed to get all giggly about this budding threesome (No, Gossip Girl, not in that way!), we have to check in with Cop Mom who is on the scene of Damon's drinking fest. See, I was right. He left the girlfriend alone. Sure the girlfriend's shaking like a small dog and looks haggard, but that's nothing a nice hot cocoa can fix.
Cop Mom: "Tell me everything you saw."
The Shaking Girlfriend: Well, it...it said I could live because...because...because I wasn't wearing a red shirt! WHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Having the sit-down with Lexie did wonders on Elena. She's all happy now and goes over to Stefan. Man, Lexie should really think about opening a couples counseling business. Things are starting to look up for our wayward vampire and mortal girl. Oh, oh, are we in for birthday sex? What? I can dream, can't I?
Feeling not so hot is Caroline, who has been drowning her sorrows--which can't be a lot since she's shallow--with alcohol. She falls into the booth Matt is sitting at, and Matt's buddy conveniently leaves him to deal with Caroline on his own. She spends a second moping about everyone being mean to her, before the curly fries on the table distract her. Caroline regroups and honestly asks Matt if she's shallow. Matt looks like a deer in the headlights. I'm sure he's use to cleaning up after a drunken mess, not talk to one. Not getting an answer, Caroline continues to have her pity party and earnestly tells Matt she doesn't mean to be shallow. She wants to be "the abyss deep". Oh, I see what you're doing, VD writers, you are setting up a new couple in a very sly way. Yeah, not too deep there. My personal favorite is when Caroline compares herself to a kiddie pool.
The Bad Idea Bears get to Matt and he decides to take Caroline home. Unable to walk properly, Matt carries her out of The Grill...where they run into Cop Mom.
Cop Mom: "She's drunk?"
Caroline: "As a skunk."
Matt carries off Caroline so Cop Mom can get back to her vampire sting operation disguised as an underage drinking bust.
Back inside, Lexie interrogates Damon about his purpose for being in Mystic Falls. Um, isn't it obvious? He's there to fuck with Stefan. How long have you known Damon, Lexie? Damon, like a good little solider, talks about his BIG! plans. I would like to point out that we haven't heard a stitch about Damon's BIG! plans for a while until now. ("They're going to be BIG! HUGE!, I say!") I'm beginning to suspect Damon isn't the great mastermind the viewers have been set up to believe, and he is, in fact, more of an "in the moment" kinda of guy. Case and point, Vicki.
Before Lexie can grill him even harder, Cop Mom comes rolling in with the traumatized girlfriend, who is asked to point out the bad man who touched her. Oh, no. Pst, Lexie, move away from Damon before...oh, snap, too late. As suspected since her arrival, the vampire blame gets placed on Lexie.
Cop Mom to the rescue! She injects Lexie with a vervain cocktail. Stefan and Elena are watching the whole thing and try to follow Cop Mom as she and her posse heave an unconscious Lexie outside. Stefan and Elena are cock blocked by a policeman and try to find another way out.
Outside, Lexie gets a second wind of energy and flings the two macho policemen off of her. Cop Mom does what she's trained to do and starts shooting. Unfortunately, she forgot to pack her wooden bullets and her shots are doing little damage. Hurry up, Stefan and Elena. I'm not saying Cop Mom doesn't deserve to die, but having another one of Elena's acquaintances killed isn't going to do much for your relationship.
Lexie puts her vampire face on after the fourth shot. Shit is about to go down. As she lunges forward to eat Mom Cop, Damon appears and stakes Lexie through the heart. I guess he's getting back at her for dissing him at the bar? Maybe? Just as Lexie's staked, Stefan and Elena come into view, but they hid behind a building, unable to do a damn thing.
Lexie is about as shocked and confused as I am. She has a reason to be, though, since there's a wooden stake stuck in her now.
Lexie: "Why?"
Damon: "It's part of the plan."
Me: Oh, bullshit, Damon. You couldn't plan your way out of a paper bag.
Lexie dies in the middle of my screaming at the television. Yes, this one semi-hurt because Lexie wasn't that bad. Instead of taking the cliched route, the writers actually made a platonic relationship for Stefan with another vampire. However, if I have to choose between losing Lexie or Stefan, buh bye, Lexie. You were cool and all, but Stefan's hot.
Anyway with Lexie dead at Damon's hands, you know bad things are about to go down at the Salvatore Boarding House. Apart from Paul Wesley's emoting across the parking lot, Damon is in a heap of trouble. Oh, but his day is not over yet.
Cop Mom: Help me get her into the back of the car. We'll make it look like a car accident.
Damon: Yeah, because you normally drive from the trunk.
Once Lexie's stashed in the car, Cop Mom goes back to the bar and does her elected duty and arrests the bartender for serving alcohol to the town's minors.
Boy standing in back: Psh, that's okay. We'll take the party to my house where my parents have alcohol in the liquor cabinet.
Rock on, kiddies.
As she passes Damon, Cop Mom comments him on his staking ability. Oh gosh, Damon, stop flirting with the middle aged women. It is soooo not sexy. Also, Damon can rest easy because Cop Mom believes the whole ordeal is over. For now. Come on, you know the moment Zach doesn't come back from his "trip" Cop Mom's going to get suspicious and make another list of the recent arrivals to Mystic Falls.
Matt arrives at Caroline's house--with little puke damage on his shirt--and carries her up to her bedroom. Hey, Matty, it's like having Vicki back, isn't it? Caroline's moved the pity party from The Grill to her bed. She whines about not being loved. Matt tries to leave before it gets way too awkward. Too late, because Caroline asks Matt to stay. By staying, I don't think she meant climb into bed with her, Matt. I'm just sayin'. Yeah, they are totally pimping out this new coupling. First Caroline goes after the other Salvatore and now she's picking up Elena's leftovers. At least Vicki isn't around to see this.
Speaking of staked vampires, how's birthday boy holding up?
Stefan: This is the worst birthday, EVER!
Elena: I think you're being a little drama--
Stefan: EVER!!!!!!
Oh yeah, Stefan's about to throw a major fit like the ones you see on My Super Sweet Sixteen when the parents get the right car, but the wrong interior color. Stefan, though, has a good reason to have a bitch fest. Besides killing Lexie, Damon’s also killed Zach, Mr. Tanner, Vicki, and a slew of other nobodies. Reaching a turnaround in his 162 year old age, Stefan realizes Damon will never, ever change.
Elena's trying to calm down the pissed off vampire she's with. She doesn't want to save Damon--she's trying to save Stefan. Awww. Stefan, now is your chance to step up and...tell Elena to go to hell? Dammit. What did you two just go over? You were both going to be listening buddies. You were going to stay up late talking about everything under the sun, braid each other's hair, Elena would have milk and cookies, and you, S., would have a Bloody Mary, Type O Neg. Instead, you're running off to kill your murderous brother.
Elena: When are you going to act your age, Stefan?!
Stefan storms off, Elena's left with a "WTF" face, and I am shaking my head and asking why did the writers even bother to come in if nothing was accomplished here. I'm finding it hilarious, though, that Stefan has no problems spilling everything to Lexie, including the part where he admits that he loves Elena. Yet, he gets all pissed at Elena--the "love" of his life--when she tries to talk to him. Stefan, are you sure there was nothing going on between you and Lexie?
And I am not buying that Damon feels "Oh, so guilty" about staking Lexie that he needs to make himself a drink. Or four. Oh, sh--! Stefan's home. Stefan wastes no time in FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. He throws Damon across the room and starts beating the crap out of him--which Damon lets him. I mean, there are a few times Damon could put the situation to bed and knock Stefan out cold. Yet, he doesn't. Damon gets a few hits in, but eventually Stefan gets him pinned against the fireplace and OH MY GOD! He finally did it! He staked Damon in the...stomach? Huh?
Stefan proclaims he and Damon are even from the time Damon saved his life in the cemetery right before Logan staked him. Okay, so now you're going to stake him in the heart, right, Stefan?
Stefan: *walks away*
Noooo! Come back and finish the job. You just told Elena you know Damon’s never going to change and he must be stopped! Why did you say all those things if you’re not going to do them?! Finish him off, Stefan! Come baaaaaaack! Well, this is officially the worst birthday ever.
Our resident witch isn't having that good of a day, either. Bonnie's having a nightmare, and like all nightmares, she is being chased down by an invisible evil force and running through the woods. There are close-ups of trees, Bonnie's panicking face, the talisman, and then Bonnie fulfills every running heroine's role by falling down. Still in dreamland, she’s greeted by Emily. ”It’s coming.” Which causes Bonnie to wake-up, not in her bed, but in the cemetery. Oh, by the way, Bonnie's premonition, I think “it” is already here.
Bonnie: Son of a bitch! It's a mile from my house to the cemetery. Stupid necklace...shoulda given it back...Gross! There's mud all over my feet...this sucks!
After riding a semi-awesome high, VD is beginning to slide. Nothing happened in this episode. Nothing. I really could sum it all up by saying Stefan had an old friend come into town--who wasn't an ex, they partied, Damon messed things up, Stefan's mad at him again, and he and Elena are not back together. The end. Next week's episode promises to be Bonnie central, so maybe that's a good sign? All I know is I have little faith in the writers keeping this show going pass six seasons. They may get four seasons if they're lucky. Huge "may” if they keep pumping out this lackluster type of product.
Episode 9: "History Repeating"