proverbial Phoenix
Alright so I figured things out with myself as well as this girl. I have been hard press for some reason to get in to a relationship. I don't know why. I want to be loved. I want to be that song by Cake " I want to Love you Madly"
However I keep forgetting that love doesn't work the ways you want it to. You can't snap fingers and expect it. Because you talk to some one doesn't mean that it is owed to you. I had to figure it out on my own, and thankfully I did before I sacrificed what could be a good friendship. Ok sure I don't hang out with this girl, but of all my friends, even the ones I place over abundance of love for, she listens to me.
When last we left our Dominico, he was hopelessly trying to figure this girl out. Because I like to know everything I must, curiosity kills me, I am a Cat!
I jump to stupid conclusions with out knowing everything. I got too serious over her and I didn't mean to. I got jealous over somethings and it hit me Ok I have no reason to be jealous she has been clear we are just friends now but who knows. So I had to do some searching to right myself
I also took some mixed advice along the way. I took the bad parts of the advice and not the good parts. What advice, "screw this girl your a great guy let her come to you." The good half " YOu can't go looking for love because it just happens". All from the same person. SO I blew the girl off thinking ok let her call me. Thinking that she didn't want to talk to me anymore like X person, or she is going out with that guy like Y person. It was all about this person me, I was all about me selfish selfish me, but I didn't know it at the time.
It got to where I was questioning if I wanted to talk to her, should I or shouldn't I what do I do. Most retarded thing... I figured I haven't prayed in a while and I feeling out of my mind can't hurt. Ok no big insta-mircle happened where she called. However something odd did happen in a way. I started up a text and sat there looking at it in contemplation do I send this, no I saved it to drafts selected. Screen went blank on my phone, I looked at some fortunes from fortune cookies and something turned in my head. I looked back at my phone... it didn't save to dafts as I selected it sent.
So I got back something like "gee thanx" SO I set down and started texting, it was stupid but it was a text fight sort of. She hit me hard, however it made me realise more how I was selfish. She pointed out that I didn't listen when she needed, and hate to admit the girl was right. She jokes about being a wise ass but I would say in that text fight she earned the wise part.
There was it all staring me in the face. I gave up easy on a whim, the old me would have done more. I used to never turn my back or give up so easily, and so it hit hard to look at some truths. Hear I am thinking I am a great why why would she do this to me? I found myself the twins fighting, because one was throwing around past insecurities because all my failings and wants for something more; the other calling for patience and trust, because she is different. I used to make more of a difference.
I remember that Evanesence song "wake me up" I did that to some one once. I was able to keep going to break the walls that kept me out. I reached them and it wasn't because I wanted to be loved as much as I had the true unconditional love for that person.
I tried to excuse it by putting the leadership roles up to validate my choices. Some times we can trick oursleves in to lies. However there is no trick here it was me trying to make a excuse. I don't know how I ended up in these leadership roles. It could be because I was stronger, its all there, just easier to let myself follow around. I should take my hearts advice more if I can dish it, I should be able to take it.
I finally called her where she answered. I listen, what she said was deep, it was heavy. Maybe she doesn't read Kahlil Gibran, but she took a moment and told me her story and although not poetic it was deep. I felt humbled and honored although I didn't tell her.
However I keep forgetting that love doesn't work the ways you want it to. You can't snap fingers and expect it. Because you talk to some one doesn't mean that it is owed to you. I had to figure it out on my own, and thankfully I did before I sacrificed what could be a good friendship. Ok sure I don't hang out with this girl, but of all my friends, even the ones I place over abundance of love for, she listens to me.
When last we left our Dominico, he was hopelessly trying to figure this girl out. Because I like to know everything I must, curiosity kills me, I am a Cat!
I jump to stupid conclusions with out knowing everything. I got too serious over her and I didn't mean to. I got jealous over somethings and it hit me Ok I have no reason to be jealous she has been clear we are just friends now but who knows. So I had to do some searching to right myself
I also took some mixed advice along the way. I took the bad parts of the advice and not the good parts. What advice, "screw this girl your a great guy let her come to you." The good half " YOu can't go looking for love because it just happens". All from the same person. SO I blew the girl off thinking ok let her call me. Thinking that she didn't want to talk to me anymore like X person, or she is going out with that guy like Y person. It was all about this person me, I was all about me selfish selfish me, but I didn't know it at the time.
It got to where I was questioning if I wanted to talk to her, should I or shouldn't I what do I do. Most retarded thing... I figured I haven't prayed in a while and I feeling out of my mind can't hurt. Ok no big insta-mircle happened where she called. However something odd did happen in a way. I started up a text and sat there looking at it in contemplation do I send this, no I saved it to drafts selected. Screen went blank on my phone, I looked at some fortunes from fortune cookies and something turned in my head. I looked back at my phone... it didn't save to dafts as I selected it sent.
So I got back something like "gee thanx" SO I set down and started texting, it was stupid but it was a text fight sort of. She hit me hard, however it made me realise more how I was selfish. She pointed out that I didn't listen when she needed, and hate to admit the girl was right. She jokes about being a wise ass but I would say in that text fight she earned the wise part.
There was it all staring me in the face. I gave up easy on a whim, the old me would have done more. I used to never turn my back or give up so easily, and so it hit hard to look at some truths. Hear I am thinking I am a great why why would she do this to me? I found myself the twins fighting, because one was throwing around past insecurities because all my failings and wants for something more; the other calling for patience and trust, because she is different. I used to make more of a difference.
I remember that Evanesence song "wake me up" I did that to some one once. I was able to keep going to break the walls that kept me out. I reached them and it wasn't because I wanted to be loved as much as I had the true unconditional love for that person.
I tried to excuse it by putting the leadership roles up to validate my choices. Some times we can trick oursleves in to lies. However there is no trick here it was me trying to make a excuse. I don't know how I ended up in these leadership roles. It could be because I was stronger, its all there, just easier to let myself follow around. I should take my hearts advice more if I can dish it, I should be able to take it.
I finally called her where she answered. I listen, what she said was deep, it was heavy. Maybe she doesn't read Kahlil Gibran, but she took a moment and told me her story and although not poetic it was deep. I felt humbled and honored although I didn't tell her.