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Sep 24, 2004 18:25

Yesterday was Grant's memorial service at FIT. As soon as I walked into the building I started crying. The first thing I saw was this gorgeous picture of him smiling in front of the school. I kind of laughed for a second because the picture just seemed odd to me. It was like the photographer said to him, "Now smile this is going to be the one we use for your memorial".

I sat down and started crying some more. I sat in the back so no one would see me. I was joined by Nicki and Dan when they got there and luckily by then I had managed to stop crying. Some people he worked with and a teacher of his told some remembrances about him. It was beautiful to hear. Yet very painful at the same time. This whole time I hadnt realized exactly how many people this affected. I had always felt very alone with Nicki and Dan on this but now I see that wasnt true.

After everything I finally got to meet some of his family. His grandmother gave us some Jehovah's Witness pamphlets and seemed not to know who we were really. His mothers were very nice and smiled when they met me. When Nicki introduced me to his sister she raised her eyebrow and said "I've heard of you". It made me giggle a little. I'd love to meet them again but I still just dont feel like I have a place to. Although I know what he and I shared, no one else does. I just feel like no matter what I say its not validated by any facts. There was no proof of what went on with us. Maybe thats why I feel like I dont have the right to meet them.

I had another dream about him last night too. Once again, he was still alive. He had faked this all actually. Yet I coudlnt get to him for some reason and he was driven off in a car. I keep circling around the same idea of me not getting to say goodbye to him. I woke up sobbing.
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