Yeah I guess when I talked about the unease I was also referring to social appointments. Many times it is as you said, and I overestimated my social energy. I think much of the time, even just making plans will sort of satisfy the perceived necessity of being social. Like even if I end up canceling the plans, my brain has been able to rationalize the event to the extent that I feel like well that counts...
To your question: You many be right. I think it would be far more applicable if I were dating. I don't tend to worry (at least consciously) about being hurt by potential friends, or at least not in a direct way. Honestly I think it's more about the possibility of driving someone away. Like, there have been people I've met that I really like, and feel really strongly about, and I constantly worry that they'll see some behavior or trait of mine as unpalatable and will discontinue contact. Lol, reading that I guess it seems sort of like textbook fear of rejection. I guess the issue for me, is that I'm not a super easy person to get along with (when I'm not being the chameleon), and my hobbies and interests tend to be a little specific and niche, so I don't really have a fallbacks. Like no one would say about me something to the effect of: "well he can be a little difficult to make plans with but he's great to go to concerts with!". I guess I always find myself manning the floodgate, trying to analyze when to open it and show a little earnestness
yeah, it's interesting that all the INTPs i've known have lacked social confidence, and generally been pretty shy and anxious folks. all the while with a sort of internal confidence. i'm no different, sounds like you're dealing with the same thing.
i've always just felt out of sorts around most people. but is that because of the INTP traits or circumstances, or both?
i've felt very lucky if friendships have endured. as a kid, i took my best friend breakups really, really hard, which is weird right? isn't childhood supposed to be easy breezy? i guess, kids didn't know what friendship meant, they were just living their lives, moving toward the next sparkly thing. in grade school, i was SUPER JAZZED when i had a best friend and made them my #1 priority. unsurprisingly a couple of them moved on to social circles that were...i don't know, easier?
about the textbook fear of rejection, i feel ya. i don't know what it is about the INTP thing that makes human connections feel super valuable and yet difficult.
i find it interesting that this applies to you at all given that you have a twin, and i always get the impression twins just feel at peace in the world at all times.
ah i kind of miss livejournal. i don't really think about this stuff too much otherwise, these days.
I'm not sure if it makes sense or not, but I made friends much more easily when I was younger. I mean I still make friends very easily (if I want to).
Yeah I'm actually surprised at how little having a twin seems to effect my life. When we were younger (actually it is still the case), I was always the dominant one. I made friends much easier. I was tougher (like physically, which I guess kind of matters when you're a kid, and playgrounds are a thing lol). Now, I guess I'd say it's more about confidence, and carrying oneself. He's definitely more alike than he is different though, which may be why we're not super close, and why he doesn't have a profound effect on my life.
About feeling out of sorts.. It seems to have become more of a problem as I get older. The more life experience I have, the more people I interact with, I guess the more transparent everything becomes. It kind of sucks, but generally I feel like people, given the option, will always take the path of least resistance (my version of a fundamental good/bad I guess). So as I get older, the number of people I feel out of sorts with seems to increase with understanding, which seems wrong somehow.
That's a good way to put it... super valuable yet difficult. I guess If I had to paint a picture... As an observer, it's kind of obvious when you meet someone and realize that they could be like ONE OF THE IMPORTNANT ONES. The problem is that there's a huge ravine between you, that maybe only you can see (and actually, if the other person can see it it's probably even more difficult). the only thing connecting your side to theirs is a bridge made out of the most delicate crystal. The whole time you're trying to devise a way to cross the bridge, and to make matters worse, the other person is constantly trying to stomp across it with seemingly no thought! They're like a treasure, whose value is apparent and measurable to you. It's so valuable to you simply because it appears so infrequently, and because you have a limited toolset with which to acquire it...
i miss LJ too. I'm gonna keep on posting, even if it's terribly sporadic. if even one person reads it, I feel like it's worth it. Probably even if no one does. But certainly if there are people like you still holding on, I'll def keep posting.
To your question: You many be right. I think it would be far more applicable if I were dating. I don't tend to worry (at least consciously) about being hurt by potential friends, or at least not in a direct way. Honestly I think it's more about the possibility of driving someone away. Like, there have been people I've met that I really like, and feel really strongly about, and I constantly worry that they'll see some behavior or trait of mine as unpalatable and will discontinue contact. Lol, reading that I guess it seems sort of like textbook fear of rejection. I guess the issue for me, is that I'm not a super easy person to get along with (when I'm not being the chameleon), and my hobbies and interests tend to be a little specific and niche, so I don't really have a fallbacks. Like no one would say about me something to the effect of: "well he can be a little difficult to make plans with but he's great to go to concerts with!". I guess I always find myself manning the floodgate, trying to analyze when to open it and show a little earnestness
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i've always just felt out of sorts around most people. but is that because of the INTP traits or circumstances, or both?
i've felt very lucky if friendships have endured. as a kid, i took my best friend breakups really, really hard, which is weird right? isn't childhood supposed to be easy breezy? i guess, kids didn't know what friendship meant, they were just living their lives, moving toward the next sparkly thing. in grade school, i was SUPER JAZZED when i had a best friend and made them my #1 priority. unsurprisingly a couple of them moved on to social circles that were...i don't know, easier?
about the textbook fear of rejection, i feel ya. i don't know what it is about the INTP thing that makes human connections feel super valuable and yet difficult.
i find it interesting that this applies to you at all given that you have a twin, and i always get the impression twins just feel at peace in the world at all times.
ah i kind of miss livejournal. i don't really think about this stuff too much otherwise, these days.
Reply
Yeah I'm actually surprised at how little having a twin seems to effect my life. When we were younger (actually it is still the case), I was always the dominant one. I made friends much easier. I was tougher (like physically, which I guess kind of matters when you're a kid, and playgrounds are a thing lol). Now, I guess I'd say it's more about confidence, and carrying oneself. He's definitely more alike than he is different though, which may be why we're not super close, and why he doesn't have a profound effect on my life.
About feeling out of sorts.. It seems to have become more of a problem as I get older. The more life experience I have, the more people I interact with, I guess the more transparent everything becomes. It kind of sucks, but generally I feel like people, given the option, will always take the path of least resistance (my version of a fundamental good/bad I guess). So as I get older, the number of people I feel out of sorts with seems to increase with understanding, which seems wrong somehow.
That's a good way to put it... super valuable yet difficult. I guess If I had to paint a picture... As an observer, it's kind of obvious when you meet someone and realize that they could be like ONE OF THE IMPORTNANT ONES. The problem is that there's a huge ravine between you, that maybe only you can see (and actually, if the other person can see it it's probably even more difficult). the only thing connecting your side to theirs is a bridge made out of the most delicate crystal. The whole time you're trying to devise a way to cross the bridge, and to make matters worse, the other person is constantly trying to stomp across it with seemingly no thought! They're like a treasure, whose value is apparent and measurable to you. It's so valuable to you simply because it appears so infrequently, and because you have a limited toolset with which to acquire it...
i miss LJ too. I'm gonna keep on posting, even if it's terribly sporadic. if even one person reads it, I feel like it's worth it. Probably even if no one does. But certainly if there are people like you still holding on, I'll def keep posting.
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