The Utter Wreck or Whence Comes Our Withdrawaling
I have been Bobby-free for just over three weeks... The whole let's-be-friends thing did not work out, like quitting smoking but telling your self you'll only have one on the weekend. A few posts back, I related the pain of withdrawal I was experiencing from our break-up, and today, that pain has not abated one degree... well maybe one half of one degree, but of no noticeable effect. I still have moments, like nicotine fits, where I mentally obsess and he is all I can think about... I can list his bad qualities like reciting pi, I can weigh the scales of pros and cons and watch the cons win every time, and in my mind, I keep thinking, "This would be easier if he was dead."
Not that I am planning on killing him and whipping up some taxodermy on his dead-ass corpse, injesting his intrails so that he is always a part of me, gently combing his hair every night and stroking his flaxen beard with sweet caresses... Not my style... In my history, I've lost two men whose specialness to me was akin to that which I feel felt for Bobby, and in their passing, it was easier to move on and feel healthy about it mainly for the reason that I knew I would not run into them in public, with them looking all fabulous, more fabulous than they looked with me, and happy, happier without me, and on the arm of some Greek God of a man, while I am alone and an utter wreck. Ok, maybe not that healthy, but easier... infinitely easier.
I am a libra/ libra rising, so if you don't think I can go to the extremes of despair (and the extremes of ebullience), then you know me not at all... Fuck being a Queen, I am a Drama Empress, but with my Moon in Virgo I usually internalize this mental morality play. Right now, on a scale ala movie reference, I am the scene in Lord of The Rings where Gandalf falls into Shadow after battling the Balrog, but what Gandalf knew while the others didn't, is that to fall into Shadow allows on to emerge into Light... Even though I feel so deep in a pit of despair that all I can do is put the lotion in the basket, I know from this too I will rise, for as a Libra who can go to both ends of the spectrum, my true home is balanced on the center.
Well, that helped...
On the other end... training is progressing for the up coming ride...
I have been golden at work...
I began Chantix to help with smoking cessation...
And all is as it should be in the universe... still, it would be easier if he was dead.
Shit...
Not that I am planning on killing him and whipping up some taxodermy on his dead-ass corpse, injesting his intrails so that he is always a part of me, gently combing his hair every night and stroking his flaxen beard with sweet caresses... Not my style... In my history, I've lost two men whose specialness to me was akin to that which I feel felt for Bobby, and in their passing, it was easier to move on and feel healthy about it mainly for the reason that I knew I would not run into them in public, with them looking all fabulous, more fabulous than they looked with me, and happy, happier without me, and on the arm of some Greek God of a man, while I am alone and an utter wreck. Ok, maybe not that healthy, but easier... infinitely easier.
I am a libra/ libra rising, so if you don't think I can go to the extremes of despair (and the extremes of ebullience), then you know me not at all... Fuck being a Queen, I am a Drama Empress, but with my Moon in Virgo I usually internalize this mental morality play. Right now, on a scale ala movie reference, I am the scene in Lord of The Rings where Gandalf falls into Shadow after battling the Balrog, but what Gandalf knew while the others didn't, is that to fall into Shadow allows on to emerge into Light... Even though I feel so deep in a pit of despair that all I can do is put the lotion in the basket, I know from this too I will rise, for as a Libra who can go to both ends of the spectrum, my true home is balanced on the center.
Well, that helped...
On the other end... training is progressing for the up coming ride...
I have been golden at work...
I began Chantix to help with smoking cessation...
And all is as it should be in the universe... still, it would be easier if he was dead.
Shit...