Late V-day Quiz!
Question 1: How many times do you tell your special lady friend that you love her?
a) Frequently.
b) Occasionally.
c) Rarely.
d) Only when she says it first.
e) Only when you're about to betray her.
Question 2: "Love at first sight" is...
a) ...the only way to love.
b) ...a possibility, but rare.
c) ...a romantic myth.
d) ...a conspiracy between your eyes and genitals.
Question 3: You and your special lady friend are out on a date. Chuck Norris starts hitting on her. What do you do?
a) Raise a fuss, get your ass kicked.
b) Calmly wait until he's finished with her, then take her back, no questions asked.
c) Sneak away to hatch a violent revenge plot that you'll never have the balls to go through with.
d) Accept that Chuck is the better man, be happy for her, and move on.
Question 4: Complete the following: "LOVE means never having to...
a) ...say you're sorry."
b) ...flush the toilet."
c) ...call the police."
d) ...ask 'how much?'"
Question 5: Do you remember the first time you and your special lady friend made love?
a) NO!!!
b) Vaguely, kinda...
c) Yeah, I guess so. Why? Should I get tested?
d) Yes, and I still occasionally check out the screen caps from my surreptitiously recorded webcam video of that magical night.
Question 6: If your relationship were a board game, which of the following would it be?
a) Chutes and Ladders, because it's full of ups and downs.
b) Trivial Pursuit, because there's nothing she won't nag you about.
c) SORRY!, because it's a game of sweet revenge.
d) Candyland, because it's fixated on oral pleasures.
e) Risk, because you have more money and she refuses to sign a pre-nup.
f) Clue, because she likes it in the back room with a candlestick, if you know what I mean.
Question 7: Complete the following. "To know me is to _____ me."
a) love
b) hate
c) fear
d) recoil from the stench that rolls off of
Question 8: Which of the following romantic movie quotes would you be most likely to use on your special lady friend?
a) "You complete me."
b) "Heeeeere's JOHNNY!"
c) "You're going to have to toss me."
d) "It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."
Question 9: How do you cope with being separated from your special lady friend for significant stretches of time?
a) By keeping in constant contact via phone, e-mail, private investigator, etc.
b) By furiously masturbating.
c) By thinking about her while screwing other women.
d) What do you mean, 'cope'? With time off for good behavior, I'll be back on the street in no time!
Question 10: Your idea of a perfect date would be:
a) Dinner, a movie, dancing... the usual crap.
b) Taking her to your local Dianetics Center for a free personality test.
c) An unbridled weekend of non-orgasmic Tantric canoodling.
d) A beer-fueled double-date quail hunting with the Cheneys.
*** *** ***
HOW TO CALCULATE YOUR SCORE...
First, give yourself 10 POINTS just for doing the test. Next, take those 10 points, and shove them up your ass. YOU WIN!
a) Frequently.
b) Occasionally.
c) Rarely.
d) Only when she says it first.
e) Only when you're about to betray her.
Question 2: "Love at first sight" is...
a) ...the only way to love.
b) ...a possibility, but rare.
c) ...a romantic myth.
d) ...a conspiracy between your eyes and genitals.
Question 3: You and your special lady friend are out on a date. Chuck Norris starts hitting on her. What do you do?
a) Raise a fuss, get your ass kicked.
b) Calmly wait until he's finished with her, then take her back, no questions asked.
c) Sneak away to hatch a violent revenge plot that you'll never have the balls to go through with.
d) Accept that Chuck is the better man, be happy for her, and move on.
Question 4: Complete the following: "LOVE means never having to...
a) ...say you're sorry."
b) ...flush the toilet."
c) ...call the police."
d) ...ask 'how much?'"
Question 5: Do you remember the first time you and your special lady friend made love?
a) NO!!!
b) Vaguely, kinda...
c) Yeah, I guess so. Why? Should I get tested?
d) Yes, and I still occasionally check out the screen caps from my surreptitiously recorded webcam video of that magical night.
Question 6: If your relationship were a board game, which of the following would it be?
a) Chutes and Ladders, because it's full of ups and downs.
b) Trivial Pursuit, because there's nothing she won't nag you about.
c) SORRY!, because it's a game of sweet revenge.
d) Candyland, because it's fixated on oral pleasures.
e) Risk, because you have more money and she refuses to sign a pre-nup.
f) Clue, because she likes it in the back room with a candlestick, if you know what I mean.
Question 7: Complete the following. "To know me is to _____ me."
a) love
b) hate
c) fear
d) recoil from the stench that rolls off of
Question 8: Which of the following romantic movie quotes would you be most likely to use on your special lady friend?
a) "You complete me."
b) "Heeeeere's JOHNNY!"
c) "You're going to have to toss me."
d) "It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."
Question 9: How do you cope with being separated from your special lady friend for significant stretches of time?
a) By keeping in constant contact via phone, e-mail, private investigator, etc.
b) By furiously masturbating.
c) By thinking about her while screwing other women.
d) What do you mean, 'cope'? With time off for good behavior, I'll be back on the street in no time!
Question 10: Your idea of a perfect date would be:
a) Dinner, a movie, dancing... the usual crap.
b) Taking her to your local Dianetics Center for a free personality test.
c) An unbridled weekend of non-orgasmic Tantric canoodling.
d) A beer-fueled double-date quail hunting with the Cheneys.
*** *** ***
HOW TO CALCULATE YOUR SCORE...
First, give yourself 10 POINTS just for doing the test. Next, take those 10 points, and shove them up your ass. YOU WIN!