Just Great.
I don't want to be feeling like this. This is ridiculous. I can't let them ruin it for me...but now every time I look at my loli clothes I feel ill.
Okay, back up. I'll tell you all about it.
The second-to last day of my 1st block of Student Teaching (for those of you who don't know what that is, I have 2 blocks: First block I teach at one school in a lower grade, 2nd block I teach at another school in an upper grade) I checked with my teacher to see if I could use a "frilly dress" as motivation for good behavior in the students. We were having an important test come up and I was worried about their behavior (especially since they invalidated a few questions on the pretest by yelling out the answers), and I had used the "frilly dress" before as a motivator and been praised for it. The teacher said it was a good idea, so I told the kids if they did such-and-such I would wear a frilly dress. They did, and so on the last day of Student Teaching I wore a frilly dress. There was a lot involved in this, I'm simplifying a lot. Basically the kids loved it, the parents and coworkers I came in contact with loved it, my teacher seemed to love it. That was my favorite day ever! I thanked my students for being so wonderful, made a farewell card and left.
Fast-Forward a few days to the first day of my 2nd block. I get pulled out of my new classroom to come meet with my college supervisor. She says they had some concerns about...a frilly dress. That's right, the teacher who had given her permission and had complimented me had called me in saying that she felt I was getting some sort of "perverse pleasure" out of the attention I got from the kids when I wore the dress! I had to go in to my college's professional review person and explain myself, that I was perfectly happy not wearing Lolita in the schools (I'm fine with it, it would be cool to be able to wear it, but since people are closed-minded xenophobes I'm okay with wearing regular clothes), that it's just clothes and not a religious tenet to me...and a bunch of other stuff.
It hurts me because I told my teacher at the very beginning of the experience that if she had any problem with something I was doing or saying I wanted her to come to me and tell me so that I could fix it. She agreed and went on and on about how she hates it when people go behind your back without telling you and letting you fix the situation. If she had told me she didn't want me wearing the dress I would have gone home and changed! I understand you have to be careful in the schools. But, no, it's, "Oh, how nice, how clever, that's great...BOOM! You're not going to graduate and you're a pervert!" Since I love children like my brothers and sisters (and how I imagine I'll love my own children) and want to protect them, and since I hate anyone who would think of a child that way and hurt them like that with a hate exceeding anything else, this is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. In addition, this is a woman who reminded me a lot of my mom and who I considered a friend. And she stabbed me in the back.
Now every time I look at one of my Loli dresses (especially the one I wore that day) I want to cry. It brings up the betrayal and pain of those days. I still love loli, and I don't want it to be this way! I hate myself for letting them spoil something I love, I hate them for doing this to me. I just don't know what to do or what to feel. I'm so frustrated.
Okay, back up. I'll tell you all about it.
The second-to last day of my 1st block of Student Teaching (for those of you who don't know what that is, I have 2 blocks: First block I teach at one school in a lower grade, 2nd block I teach at another school in an upper grade) I checked with my teacher to see if I could use a "frilly dress" as motivation for good behavior in the students. We were having an important test come up and I was worried about their behavior (especially since they invalidated a few questions on the pretest by yelling out the answers), and I had used the "frilly dress" before as a motivator and been praised for it. The teacher said it was a good idea, so I told the kids if they did such-and-such I would wear a frilly dress. They did, and so on the last day of Student Teaching I wore a frilly dress. There was a lot involved in this, I'm simplifying a lot. Basically the kids loved it, the parents and coworkers I came in contact with loved it, my teacher seemed to love it. That was my favorite day ever! I thanked my students for being so wonderful, made a farewell card and left.
Fast-Forward a few days to the first day of my 2nd block. I get pulled out of my new classroom to come meet with my college supervisor. She says they had some concerns about...a frilly dress. That's right, the teacher who had given her permission and had complimented me had called me in saying that she felt I was getting some sort of "perverse pleasure" out of the attention I got from the kids when I wore the dress! I had to go in to my college's professional review person and explain myself, that I was perfectly happy not wearing Lolita in the schools (I'm fine with it, it would be cool to be able to wear it, but since people are closed-minded xenophobes I'm okay with wearing regular clothes), that it's just clothes and not a religious tenet to me...and a bunch of other stuff.
It hurts me because I told my teacher at the very beginning of the experience that if she had any problem with something I was doing or saying I wanted her to come to me and tell me so that I could fix it. She agreed and went on and on about how she hates it when people go behind your back without telling you and letting you fix the situation. If she had told me she didn't want me wearing the dress I would have gone home and changed! I understand you have to be careful in the schools. But, no, it's, "Oh, how nice, how clever, that's great...BOOM! You're not going to graduate and you're a pervert!" Since I love children like my brothers and sisters (and how I imagine I'll love my own children) and want to protect them, and since I hate anyone who would think of a child that way and hurt them like that with a hate exceeding anything else, this is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. In addition, this is a woman who reminded me a lot of my mom and who I considered a friend. And she stabbed me in the back.
Now every time I look at one of my Loli dresses (especially the one I wore that day) I want to cry. It brings up the betrayal and pain of those days. I still love loli, and I don't want it to be this way! I hate myself for letting them spoil something I love, I hate them for doing this to me. I just don't know what to do or what to feel. I'm so frustrated.