you got me wondering...

[xendlesskidx]

sometimes I wonder about anything and everything.


I wonder why I'm so forgiving when something hurt so badly I was to the point of doing what they were telling me was fucking stupid.

I wonder why I love so much I can't stand to see someone else sad, be it on my behalf or on another's.

I wonder why I care so much for people who hurt me so deeply before, but I've accepted them back, and they just end up hurting me again.

I wonder why I love so deeply that if I were to break away from them I'd probably break myself in half and bleed my world dry.

I wonder why my emotions rule my life, and why love rules it all, followed by depression and hatred. Anger's in there too.

I wonder why I love people who are so potentially harming to me. How can I love someone, and care for someone, who already broke my heart, what, three times now?

I wonder why me dating the sister of my ex-girlfriend doesn't faze me and I find it sickly amusing. I'm so twisted.

I wonder why I'm such an emotional masochist.

I wonder why I'd rather physically hurt than mentally hurt.

I wonder why I have an addiction to pain.

I wonder why I hate that addiction so much.

I wonder why, when I'm happy and with the one I love, I get this sick and dark, depressed feeling in the pit of my stomach, for no apparent reason.

I wonder why I cut myself BEFORE something happens instead of after.

I wonder how the fuck I'm still alive.

I wonder why I don't trust myself around Ryan, if I were to ever see him again.

I wonder why, in some deep part of me, I still love that bastard who didn't call me for three weeks and made me cry myself to sleep every night for a month in a completely different country.

I wonder why sometimes I have no sexual pull toward my girlfriend and would rather just hold her and kiss her forehead.

No one has these answers. not even me.