(no subject)
What would my reaction be if I was told I had 5 years left to live? …… I have no idea. I think my mind would go blank as I tried to process what had just been said to me. How could you possibly comprehend something like that? I know I can’t at 23. I don’t even consider my life as having started yet. I don’t think I’ve done anything that I really want to do yet. I’ve just been floating around hoping that I’ll find that meaning somewhere along the way. It’s so easy to drift…. But to be told 5 years…
Now this isn’t mindless, random ranting. Even though, it IS rambling but I’ve never been in this situation before so I’m not sure what to think about it. There’s a reason I’ve brought this up. There is girl that I’ve only just met. I don’t know her that well… It’s been just over a week actually. She’s one of those people with the huge personalities; you see them coming a mile off. She believes in paying it forward and the first day I met her she sneakily found out my favourite coffee during conversation and then an hour later she bought me one with a muffin. She hardly knew me and she went out of her way to do something like that. Not a lot of people are like that. Now she’s a bit older than me and she told me she was having heart problems but it wasn’t until today when she confided in me how sick she really was. She suddenly asked me my aged and after I answered she blurted out that the doctor said she had only 5 years. She had been holding it in and had not anyone. How could someone do that? How could you keep such horrible news from your loved ones? And then tell someone you’ve only known for a week? I’m not being critical at all because I have no idea how I would react in a situation like that. When you’re young, death is the last thing on your mind. I admit that I’ve never thought about it seriously. I’m 23! What’s to think about? But then she just blurts it out and I’m standing there thinking…. All I’m thinking is how horrible it is that I’m the first person she tells instead of her mum. I hug her. She’s crying and saying how embarrassed and pathetic she feels because she’s crying. But she hugs me back so tight. I don’t know what to say so I just hold her and hope that somehow, she feels through my hug how sorry I am for her.
I suddenly realised I wasn’t a teenager anymore. I’ve never known anyone who was really sick, and thank God, to have passed away. Hell, I’ve never even been in love before. But it suddenly hit me that I was a grown up now, because this type of thing happens when you get older. You start to realise how delicate people are and how fragile life can be. It made me realise how completely insignificant my worrying over my bad hair day really was. How stupid it seemed to be frustrated at life because I was stuck in a place I didn’t really want to be when to fix it all I had to do was move. That to be annoyed because my skin didn’t look like Nicole Kidman’s was entirely superficial and those unrealistic desires would only make me feel unhappy. That thinking the world was going to end because I put on one kilo would be fixed if I just got off my lazy ass and went for a walk. All those things were fixable or I just needed to accept them because when it came down to it, they didn’t prevent me from doing anything. All those things would pale into insignificants if I was told my heart would stop working in 5 years…
I think that at the end of the day, life is kinder to some people than to others. But whatever my situation I hope I come to the end of my life knowing that I did everything in my power to have myself and the people around me happy. That I led a happy life, with no regrets and that I enriched the lives of those around me. Whenever it is that I finally do go and under whatever the circumstance, I hope that I am content. That is what I wish for. And my happiness, and the contribution to the happiness of those around me, will as always, will depend on me. If I want happiness, I have to be happy. If I want positive things to happen, I have to be positive. If I want loving and caring friends, I have to be a loving and caring friend. If I want to be beautiful, I have to tell myself I’m beautiful. If I want to be loved, I must first love myself and love others.
Everything will be okay.