I will wipe my ass with this red balloon.
On Valentine's Day someone put a red balloon in my mailbox with "I like you" written on it in cursive. And I was actually vain enough to think that someone might actually think that about me exclusively. Today however, on walking through the mailroom, I discovered several other red balloons in other people's boxes. This was all very mysterious and disconcerting. Further, doing a quick mental scan of the handwriting, and the one that I read said, "I think that you possess startling beauty" or some such nonsense, I was given great reason to suspect that the perpetrator was one and the same. In conclusion, this means that some asshole took it upon his or herself to send multiple people love balloons, whoring out these red balloons with romantic messages to simply disappoint them in the end. I feel so betrayed by this person and I don't even know who they are, or why they picked my mailbox. Was it arbitrary? Someone in one of my classes? Despite propagating wide-spread paranoia among the student body, they have now stooped to a new level of impertinence. Didn't they think that we'd notice all the other red balloons in everyone's boxes? Ass.