it's four o'clock in the fucking morning.
"every time is the last time" with him. he "has a hold on me". i am too stubborn to admit anything, because the last time i did i ended in more confusion than i started with. unexplainable reasons and words that felt like the playful punches he gives, that actually hurt. it is his turn to make the move, but he will never take it. and yet despite the fact that i want to pull my teeth out every time we are together, every other man pales in comparison. man? ha, he is a boy. a boy, who has too much on his plate to deal with me. the effort in us being together would be a great one, a risk just too high to take. am i that difficult? am i hard to get along with? do i leave the wrong impression? do i lead him on? am i too clingly? i have spent countless nights, laying away thinking of this. i have critiqued myself in every way possible, adding only insult to injury. when it comes down to it, i can't help but reassure assure myself, that he is the one one who has a problem. he is selfish, arrogant, jealous. then why, why, do i do this to myself. the prospect of us getting together no longer excites me, because i know that it will go no where and high hopes lead to greater falls. however, at the first touch i feel comfort, i feel him, i feel the za-za-zou. it's almost like he cares. but almost only counts in horseshoes and i don't feel security. Because the next thing i know, he is talking about someone else who is probably prettier, more clever, and more interesting the little old too-much-to-deal-with me. why, then, is it he always comes back to me? why not just cast me aside and allow me to hate him as i desperately want to? hate him like a always say i do, and then i don't have to feel guilty about the things i say in anger. am i the only constant in his life, or does he have a repertoire of girls and i am just a familiar face right between carol and christen? i have been playing this completely stupid and in no way intelligent game of cat and mouse for over a year now. it has gotten me no where. i can't say that i have a broken heart, because i don't, i will never admit it. no way. no chance. its too cliche. this scene just wont play. and yet without me ever having to say it, he took my heart. i am now left, not heart broken, just heartless. i have never felt the way i feel when i am with him, and for that reason: "every time is the last time."