Falling Apart
Fandom: Scrubs
Title: Falling Apart
Author/Artist:
xemo_chick (AKA XAngst_PrincessX on FF.net)
Theme(s): #16: Bullet wound
2dozenowies
Pairing/Characters: JD/Cox
Rating: T
Disclaimer/claimer: Suicidal Theme's, read at your on discretion. Un-betad Sorry.
Summary: Perry can't take it anymore.
I can't explain why I had suddenly had the urge to do it. Yes, off myself. Everything was just falling apart, more so than usual I guess. Call me what you will; a pansy, a coward, I really don't care I never have.
I'm sitting in the couch of my apartment, it's cold and silent; and clutched in my hand is the pistol I always kept for safe measures. I didn't live in the best of cities after all and anything is possible.
I take in a deep breath and let my index finger play with the trigger for a bit. It's not like I'm in any rush. The gun is cradled in my lap now. Maybe I'll think for a little bit. It's going to be the last time I can after all.
What bothers me the most is when I close my eyes the only person I see is Newbie. I'm sure he's in a panic at the moment. After the way I left the hospital I'm sure there isn't a single person who isn't. What do you expect though; being a doctor isn't easy and as hard as I try to detach myself from my patients It happens every time. I deny it yea, but its doesn't change the fact that I know I get attached. Every single time we loose a patient it's another punch to the gut for me and I frankly can't take it anymore. I can't take any of it anymore.
My pager is beeping. Why is that thing still on anyway? I put the gun down on the coffee table and reach over to my jacket thats resting on the other end of the couch. I growl when I read the message. It's from Newbie and he wants to know if I'm alright. No, I'm not alright, I've never been alright...
I don't know how long I've been sitting on the couch thinking about life, thinking about Jordan, thinking about JD. It must have been a while though because it's dark outside. I feel that damned emptiness again from just looking out the window into the night, what am I waiting for?
I reach for the shiny gun -it's calling for me- and just then there is a loud knock on the door. I suddenly remember that I hadn't locked it and curse inwardly at myself. I don't bother answering; I merely continue to lean towards the gun. My hand curls around it just as the door opens and standing there is Newbie. Time seems to go by in slow motion. I watch as the color in his face drains and his eyes get so big I'm a little surprised they're still in his head. If I hadn't been such a mess I probably would have called him a girl but I needed to get this over with. I'm pulling the gun towards me and I can see that he's already running. Why? Why couldn't he just get out of here? I don't want him to have to see this but by god If I didn't do it now, I may never be able to again.
I hate the fact that my hands are shaking beyond what I'd like. It makes it harder for me to get the damn thing to my temple. My finger is curling into the trigger but he's on me now. Trying to wrestle the damn thing out of my hand. I'm stronger than him; he and I both know it, but at the moment he's got so much adrenaline running through his body he could wrestle an elephant.
"Dr. Cox what the hell are you doing." His voice is unbelievably firm. Not a single waver in it. Wow...
He's grunting, trying to get the gun out of my hand but I'm not letting him and he's not letting me bring it near me. I'm cursing telling him to "get the fuck off me!" but he's not listening and now he's angry and trying to elbow me in the gut to get the gun away but its not working. We struggle on the floor and I manage to get him in the face. Blood spurts out of his nose and I watch him shut his eyes in pain but he doesn't let go. "Newbie, for god sakes!" I howl and pull as hard as I can on the gun. My hand as well as his is wrapped around it and it's like a tug of war match but slowly I get it to point towards me and I can see his eyes widening even more so than before. My finger is around the trigger now, all I need to do is pull. I'm so focused on the damn trigger though that I didn't notice my head being jarred on the coffee table as a last resort and him pointing the gun away as fast as he could. I pulled, dammit I pulled it! The room is filled with a thundering noise and I watch miserably as his face contorts in unimaginable pain. The fucking kid moved right into the way!
"JD." I scream, dropping the gun as If it had burned me. He's swallowing hard, trying to speak but the words have left him. He's leaning on me, smiling? Why the fuck his he smiling? "God kid, please." I lay him on his back and he's looking at me with those big, huge, blue doe eyes like he's always doing and he's smiling!
I'm such a bastard such a fucking bastard. I killed him! Oh god I killed him! "D-Dr. Cox..." He rasps out but I'm not listening, a phone is in my hand and I'm calling 911.
"Newbie what the fuck do you think you were doing." I yell, his eyes are half lidded now and I know it's to late. "Why didn't you let me do it, why'd you get in the way?" I didn't realize it but I was crying. I hadn't cried for years and here I was crying. Crying over the most promising intern I had ever laid eyes on, crying over Newbie. I killed him!
"I wasn't thinking." He says softly, and I feel the rage leave me. God he never thought about anything and it was always getting him into trouble. He's still smiling and I hate him for it. "I just knew I couldn't let you..." He's frowning now, grunting softly. He's trying to breath but I don't think it's working. Blood is starting to spill out of the side of his mouth, and there's still a steady trail running down his nose. I did this.
"Hang on. Just hang on." I beg, he's trying but I know it's not up to him. Theres sirens in the distance and I curse. He doesn't have much time. He doesn't have much time! Hurry up God damn it just hurry up! My fingers are curled into his jacket desperately and I can feel his body slacking. "JD don't you dare." I growl but his eyes are closing and now I'm being shoved away by paramedics. Five or six of them are around him, passing medical supplies to each other and then they're out; dragging him along on a stretcher. And I'm just left there. There's blood everywhere and I'm just left there. I shot him.
Title: Falling Apart
Author/Artist:
xemo_chick (AKA XAngst_PrincessX on FF.net)
Theme(s): #16: Bullet wound
2dozenowies
Pairing/Characters: JD/Cox
Rating: T
Disclaimer/claimer: Suicidal Theme's, read at your on discretion. Un-betad Sorry.
Summary: Perry can't take it anymore.
I can't explain why I had suddenly had the urge to do it. Yes, off myself. Everything was just falling apart, more so than usual I guess. Call me what you will; a pansy, a coward, I really don't care I never have.
I'm sitting in the couch of my apartment, it's cold and silent; and clutched in my hand is the pistol I always kept for safe measures. I didn't live in the best of cities after all and anything is possible.
I take in a deep breath and let my index finger play with the trigger for a bit. It's not like I'm in any rush. The gun is cradled in my lap now. Maybe I'll think for a little bit. It's going to be the last time I can after all.
What bothers me the most is when I close my eyes the only person I see is Newbie. I'm sure he's in a panic at the moment. After the way I left the hospital I'm sure there isn't a single person who isn't. What do you expect though; being a doctor isn't easy and as hard as I try to detach myself from my patients It happens every time. I deny it yea, but its doesn't change the fact that I know I get attached. Every single time we loose a patient it's another punch to the gut for me and I frankly can't take it anymore. I can't take any of it anymore.
My pager is beeping. Why is that thing still on anyway? I put the gun down on the coffee table and reach over to my jacket thats resting on the other end of the couch. I growl when I read the message. It's from Newbie and he wants to know if I'm alright. No, I'm not alright, I've never been alright...
I don't know how long I've been sitting on the couch thinking about life, thinking about Jordan, thinking about JD. It must have been a while though because it's dark outside. I feel that damned emptiness again from just looking out the window into the night, what am I waiting for?
I reach for the shiny gun -it's calling for me- and just then there is a loud knock on the door. I suddenly remember that I hadn't locked it and curse inwardly at myself. I don't bother answering; I merely continue to lean towards the gun. My hand curls around it just as the door opens and standing there is Newbie. Time seems to go by in slow motion. I watch as the color in his face drains and his eyes get so big I'm a little surprised they're still in his head. If I hadn't been such a mess I probably would have called him a girl but I needed to get this over with. I'm pulling the gun towards me and I can see that he's already running. Why? Why couldn't he just get out of here? I don't want him to have to see this but by god If I didn't do it now, I may never be able to again.
I hate the fact that my hands are shaking beyond what I'd like. It makes it harder for me to get the damn thing to my temple. My finger is curling into the trigger but he's on me now. Trying to wrestle the damn thing out of my hand. I'm stronger than him; he and I both know it, but at the moment he's got so much adrenaline running through his body he could wrestle an elephant.
"Dr. Cox what the hell are you doing." His voice is unbelievably firm. Not a single waver in it. Wow...
He's grunting, trying to get the gun out of my hand but I'm not letting him and he's not letting me bring it near me. I'm cursing telling him to "get the fuck off me!" but he's not listening and now he's angry and trying to elbow me in the gut to get the gun away but its not working. We struggle on the floor and I manage to get him in the face. Blood spurts out of his nose and I watch him shut his eyes in pain but he doesn't let go. "Newbie, for god sakes!" I howl and pull as hard as I can on the gun. My hand as well as his is wrapped around it and it's like a tug of war match but slowly I get it to point towards me and I can see his eyes widening even more so than before. My finger is around the trigger now, all I need to do is pull. I'm so focused on the damn trigger though that I didn't notice my head being jarred on the coffee table as a last resort and him pointing the gun away as fast as he could. I pulled, dammit I pulled it! The room is filled with a thundering noise and I watch miserably as his face contorts in unimaginable pain. The fucking kid moved right into the way!
"JD." I scream, dropping the gun as If it had burned me. He's swallowing hard, trying to speak but the words have left him. He's leaning on me, smiling? Why the fuck his he smiling? "God kid, please." I lay him on his back and he's looking at me with those big, huge, blue doe eyes like he's always doing and he's smiling!
I'm such a bastard such a fucking bastard. I killed him! Oh god I killed him! "D-Dr. Cox..." He rasps out but I'm not listening, a phone is in my hand and I'm calling 911.
"Newbie what the fuck do you think you were doing." I yell, his eyes are half lidded now and I know it's to late. "Why didn't you let me do it, why'd you get in the way?" I didn't realize it but I was crying. I hadn't cried for years and here I was crying. Crying over the most promising intern I had ever laid eyes on, crying over Newbie. I killed him!
"I wasn't thinking." He says softly, and I feel the rage leave me. God he never thought about anything and it was always getting him into trouble. He's still smiling and I hate him for it. "I just knew I couldn't let you..." He's frowning now, grunting softly. He's trying to breath but I don't think it's working. Blood is starting to spill out of the side of his mouth, and there's still a steady trail running down his nose. I did this.
"Hang on. Just hang on." I beg, he's trying but I know it's not up to him. Theres sirens in the distance and I curse. He doesn't have much time. He doesn't have much time! Hurry up God damn it just hurry up! My fingers are curled into his jacket desperately and I can feel his body slacking. "JD don't you dare." I growl but his eyes are closing and now I'm being shoved away by paramedics. Five or six of them are around him, passing medical supplies to each other and then they're out; dragging him along on a stretcher. And I'm just left there. There's blood everywhere and I'm just left there. I shot him.