(no subject)
the doctor told me i have intricately placed ear drums. so i think that may just answer everything. the truth of the matter is, i've been doing well. and the last time and only recent time i cried was when someone i've known for sixteen years was married last weekend. and she was just the most picturesque bride and i've never felt anything less than true love between those two since i've known them. i'm trying very hard to keep myself centered, and concerned about things that i feel have an actual worthy place in my thoughts. i've spent way too much of my life focused on things i should have been ignoring. on my next birthday i'll be 23 and it blows my fucking mind. a decade ago, i never thought i would be, at twenty- three, on the verge of spontaneous combustion. i feel myself growing, changing, and remaining the same at the same time. this filtering process has totally rearranged the landscape, and i can't hate it. there's always that internal lonliness i've never seemed to get over. not since i was little and i have a feeling it won't be going anywhere anytime soon. maybe it's because of how much i miss love, real love. not the love that hurts or lies or cripples. brand new real love. but four months til i leave this state, i can make it.. i will make it.