30 Days of Rod! Day 00: The Declaration (Transformers; Mature)
A/N: Okay, sorry for the long note but I just wish to get the setting notes and warnings out of the way first. This fic's setting is mainly after the 1986 movie and will also include a grab-bag of material from the G1-G2 cartoons, the comics, the tech specs, and whatever amusing or interesting bits I’ve gleaned from the TF wiki. I am mainly sticking with the G1-G2 canon for most of the characters and their personalities, though there will be a few 'canon immigrants' such as Drift and Botanica. There is also a bit of personal head-canon which includes characters that got killed off in the movie having been resurrected, but for now it's really not too vital to know exactly why they're back. This is an adult fanfic and therefore not safe for work/school and definitely not for kids. It's basically an excuse plot to get Hot Rod into 30 fics and drabbles worth of smut as possible. Also, I'm mostly writing this as sticky porn but I plan to work in other types of TF smut like plug-n-play, so if sticky isn't your thing feel free to skip the sex scenes. If at any point you find things getting too cracky for your tastes, remember that this is only a fanfic and you should really just relax. And feel free to use the back button if you really don't like it. All I ask is that if you, the reader, wish to comment, please keep it polite and constructive. Thank you and enjoy the story.
30 Days of Rod
Day 00: The Declaration
Iacon, 2012 A.D.
“Rodimus, you don't need to do this,” Ultra Magnus grumbled as he and Mirage followed the young Prime up the steps to of the Grand Imperium. “Sir, we are more than capable of representing the interests of the Autobots without you having to attend as well. You also still need to rest after the...incident.”
“Dammit Magnus, I'm fine!” snapped Rod. “Besides, I thought you of all mechs would be happy to see me finally being responsible and taking my seat in the assembly.”
“Normally, I would be very pleased but now isn't the time! I told you we could handle this just fine, sir.”
Rod came to a dead stop in the center of the antechamber and rounded on his second-in-command. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn't be here. Just one.”
“It's rather complicated, sir.”
“That's not an answer, Magnus.”
“Listen Rodimus, I would be happy to stand aside and let you do your duty,” he murmured, gently putting a hand on Rod's shoulder. “But because your still a... Your condition is... You see, there's a certain...certain bit of ancient legislature that states...states that a...a...” Magnus' words sputtered into an awkward cough of static.
Mirage just rolled his optics. “What Magnus is trying to say, sir, is that you're currently incapable of taking your seat.”
“The fuck I am!” he barked, marching straight for the Senate chambers. “Look, Hoist and First Aid both cleared me to return to active duty. Even Ratchet said that I would be able to go back to the front in a few weeks. So what's stopping me from--”
Just as he was about to cross the threshold, Rod ran right into an invisible barrier.
“What was that?” he asked as the senators and consuls walked past him with their aides. Rod tried to reached through the doorway but his hand struck the barrier, causing him to receive several amused glances. “Okay, seriously. What the hell?”
He tried walking through again, only to end up getting flung back violently. The chambers rang with vicious laughter as Magnus and Mirage helped him to his feet.
“Run along home, little one,” jeered one of the consuls. “This is no place for a child.”
The rest of the senate chimed in with him, sneering and laughing as Rod tried again and again to get across the threshold.
Finally a sleek green-gold matron had enough and left her seat to assist the now fuming Prime.
“Pardon me, young mech,” she asked, helping him up from the floor. “Forgive the rudeness of this question, but are you a virgin?”
Rod just silently gape up at her in surprise, then finally managed to find his voice. “What does that have to do with anything? I'm just trying to get in and take my seat.”
“I'm afraid it has much to do with whether or not you are allowed inside. You see, during the tenure of Nova Prime, there was a law enacted to prevent vestals from sitting on the Senate.”
“But I'm not a vestal, I am an Autobot.”
Magnus cleared his vents loudly behind him. “What Matron Botanica means is that there were safeguards put in place to prevent the...uh, inexperienced from being given seats.”
“Inexperienced? Inexperienced?!” snarled Rod. “You know for a fact that I've had plenty of experience as a leader. I am a Prime! I've been right in the front lines with the rest of the Autobots, fighting for our home world unlike the bastards who ran away to hide in their fancy colonial mansions.” He turned back to the still snickering senators, striding right up to the threshold defiantly. “And just where were all of you when Megatron seized power? Which of you stayed and fought back against Shockwave? Who stood by our sides to battle for the sake of the very universe when Unicron tried to destroy existence? Inexperienced? I've seen mighty cities burned to cinders, planets turned to blasted out wastelands under the heel of dictators or outright annihilated. I have seen too many good mechs -my friends and my family- die right in front of me, fighting a war that you cowardly, greedy pieces of slag helped start. I think I've had enough experiences to last me several lifetimes.”
There was a stunned silence from the gathered mechs. Then a sudden, nasty laugh broke out.
“Such pretty words from a very pretty little youngling,” purred a massive red and black mech as he stepped down from his seat and walked to the doorway. “But I'm afraid all that passion won't do you any good until you finally rid yourself of that bothersome virtue you've held onto through all your trails.” He stalked closer to Rod, leering at him. “Perhaps you would like me to relieve you of that burden. Tonight, in my private chambers. Or maybe such a impetuous young thing like you would prefer we just take care of business right here and now.”
He stepped forward and tried to grab Rod, but Magnus shoved the other mech back as he stepped between him and the shocked Prime.
“Don't you fucking touch him, Trannis,” Magnus growled, unsubspacing his hammer.
“Why? Is he yours?”
“The boy certainly will never be yours,” hissed Botanica as she went to the Autobots' side. “Now, are you finished making a mockery of our hallowed chambers? Or would you have the Imperium became a back alley dollhouse?”
“I'm sure you know plenty about dollhouses, matron,” Trannis hissed coldly as he turned to return to his seat. He paused once, glancing over his shoulder at Rod. “My offer still stands, boy. Come to me and I'll show what a real mech can do.”
Magnus immediately wrapped an arm around the still horrified Prime, pulling him gently away from the threshold as Mirage turned to Botanica.
“Please forgive us, matron,” began the spy with the well-practiced civility of the Towers. “I'm afraid we won't be attending today's session due to-”
“Raj dear, you don't have to apologize to me,” she replied softly. “But I'm afraid it is in your best interest to have a least one representative in attendance. And I would be honored to have you sit at my side today.”
Mirage looked to Magnus, who nodded. He turned back to Botanica. “Matron, it is my pleasure to accept your offer.”
The pair of them went into the senate chambers while Magnus lead an eerily quiet Rod outside. They walked slowly back to through Iacon, crossing from the bustling 'liberated' sectors back into the militarized zone. A few scouting parties paused to greet them, but Rod only waved vaguely back and quietly brooded. It was only when they'd returned to the safety of the Autobot's base that Rod broke his silence.
“He was going to rape me,” he said flatly. “Right in the middle of the Imperium. And those bastards just kept laughing. And leering. Like it was some kind of show...”
“We would never have let that happen!” barked Magnus. He inhaled deeply, then said in a calmer tone, “I would never let him harm you. Besides, Trannis is all bluster and idle threats. It was just his way of humiliating you. Trannis only propositioned you because he thought he could get away with it.”
“Then why couldn't I get past the door?” Rod asked.
Magnus cleared his vents loudly. “It's very complicated, sir.”
“So now it's back to 'sir'?” Rod stepped right in front of him and glared. “You were about to beat in a senator's head barely minutes ago! Now, tell me what in the pit is going on!”
“You're a virgin and therefore banned from any political office,” explained Prowl, stepping out from a doorway. “It's covered in detail within the Standardized Senatorial Codex of 3054 Common Era.”
“Uh...right,” Rod muttered as he edged slightly away from Prowl. “Wait. What? How does a door know that?!”
There was another heavy cough as Magnus cleared his vents again. “Sir, I believe there's some documents waiting for you to review and sign, so we really need to be going...”
“Not until Zombie Prick here tells me how a door can assume I'm a virgin!”
“...I'm not a zombie, Rodimus,” said Prowl, doing his best to keep a neutral tone. “And the doorways inside the Grand Imperium have sensors designed to detect whether or not a mech has had sexual contact. It involves picking up certain chemical signals that only produced by vestals.”
“There's that word again...” Rod said with a groan.
Keeping a straight face, Prowl began drily explaining. “It's a traditional term for a mech who is has reached the age of consent but still hasn't became sexually active. Most mechs don't stay vestals for more than a day or so...or they've already lost their virtue as soon as they get a unit installed. The ones who remain vestals usually do so for a couple of reasons. Sometimes, it's because they wish to devote themselves to a career or their studies. This is why First Aid has remained single. Sometimes it's because celibacy is mandated because of religious reasons. Like Cloudburst...” Suddenly, Prowl glanced over to Magnus. “And sometimes it's because they have an overprotective guardian always hovering nearby who refuses to let them make their own mistakes and maybe finally grow the fuck up.”
“That's enough, Prowl.” Magnus slide in between him and Rod.
“No,” Rod said quietly. “No, I think he has a point Magnus. I think I need a little time alone, so please don't disturb me unless it's an emergency.”
He turned from the two commanders and walked quickly to what used to be Optimus' office. Rod never could bring himself to think of it as his even after the big guy finally decided to officially step down as Prime and return to Earth. Aside from a stack of legal datapads, everything was still exactly as Optimus had left it right down to the oversized chair that made Rod feel like a protoform when he sat in it.
“This is no place for a child.”
The words buzzed around his head along with the slowly building rage at being humiliated by that pompous pile of scrap. But what could he do? As a senator, Trannis was only answerable to the High Council which Rod knew wouldn't do any good since most of the Council had been bought out by the senate any way. And since the bastard was a civie, he couldn't court-martial him for insubordination. Yet there had to be some way to salvage this whole clusterfuck.
“Sir? Hailing Rodimus Prime? Are you receiving?” asked Hubcap, appearing right in front of the desk as if by magic.
Rod's head jerked up and he glared at the little yellow minibot. “I told Magnus I wasn't to be disturbed.”
“Eh, I didn't get the memo,” Hubcap said with a shrug. “Besides, I thought you'd like to know that there's a video clip of you telling off the senate going around the intranet now.”
“Great... I suppose all the newsfeeds are having a field day with cracks about me and my two favorites: Lefty and Righty.”
“Actually, sir, the general attitude seems to be that you were done wrong. Apparently your average mech on the street doesn't find threatening to rape a guy in public as funny as our beloved elected officials do. I mean, what the hell are our taxes paying for if they can't even fake being decent pillars of the community?”
“Wait. You pay taxes? I thought we were exempt.”
Hubcap gave him a nasty smile. “You, oh mighty Prime, aren't required to pay any taxes under the religious exemption laws since you are a 'spiritual leader'.”
“Isn't that just for religious institutions?”
“Rodimus, you're the Chosen One. If that doesn't earn you a fucking tax break, nothing will.”
Rod vented a sigh. “Nice to know the law isn't totally fucking me over today...”
“Look, it came as a shock to almost everyone,” began Hubcap solmenly but Rod cut him off.
“I know, I know. Re-establishing the senate was a good idea in theory, but now all I seem to have done is put the same corrupt bastards who began the war right back in power. But if I hadn't, they would accuse me of trying to make this a dictatorship.” He sighed again and buried his head in his hands. “I'm a failure no matter what I do.”
“What? No,” snapped Hubcap. “I wasn't talking about that! Those slaggers would've got voted back in no matter what you did. I meant finding out that you're a virgin. I'm completely and utterly stunned. And pissed as fuck because now I owe Bumblebee 50 credits.”
Rod glared at him and was about to snap at the minibot but there was an alert for an incoming message. Reluctantly, he opened it to see Springer's face grinning back at him.
“Hi Rod,” he chirpped happily. “Just saw the newsfeeds today and I was wondering if you were free tonight so we could take care of your little problem.”
“...you seriously are not asking me out right now...,” growled Rod.
“What? It's not like I haven't been trying for centuries to get under your panels.”
There was a long pause as Rod just stared at his friend. “Look, I appreciate the offer Springer but right now I'm just not in the mood for this sh--” There was another alert buzzing. With a frown, Rod answered it.
“Hey Rod,” cooed Arcee with the biggest smile Rod had ever seen in his life. “Listen, there's some really important things we need to talk about. Like your spike. In my valve. NOW.”
He could only gape in shock and tried to think of a reply. Then Springer cut in.
“You know, I think the three of us really need to have a get together and have this talk.”
“...yes,” said Arcee. “Yes we do. Hear that, Rod? You, me, and Springer. If you aren't in your quarters in a joor, I will hunt you down and drag you there.”
“Whoa! Wait a minute I...I...” Suddenly, there was another message alert. “I have another call! Hello?”
“Greetings and salutations Rodimus,” purred Perceptor. “I hope I'm not interrupting anything important.”
“Nope. In fact, you have perfect timing!”
“Oh good! I was afraid you'd already gone ahead and let someone else deflower you already,” he said happily. “So, how do you feel about seeing me in my quarters tonight and letting me vigorously penetrate all your orifices until you go offline from a succession of overloads? I'll try to be gentle, but I'm afraid I tend to get a bit carried away while interfacing...”
“You too, Percy?” Rod muttered in disbelief. “Okay, you know what? Fuck this! Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I fucking desperate. So in answer to your questions: No. No. HELL NO! Good day!”
Angrily, he terminated all three calls and glared as another batch of alerts immediately flashed up. Rod promptly hit the 'ignore all' button and slumped back miserably.
“What the fucking pit?” gasped Hubcap. “You're literally getting booty-calls from half the base and you're not taking advantage of this?!”
“I do not want my first time to be a pity fuck, thank you.”
“Bullshit! You're just being a prissy little aft!” snapped the minibot. “What are you waiting for, Primus himself to come down from on high and 'face you?”
“I'm not being prissy!” barked Rod. “It's just that I know the only reason I'm getting all these offer right now is because everyone feels sorry for me. Like I'm some kind of sad loser who can't get any on my own...”
Hubcap raised an eyeridge. “I blame Magnus. The guy has been cockblocking you ever since you came of age.”
“Oh really? Name one time he--”
“He constantly calls you whenever it looks like you're about to get laid. And,yes, I have records of nearly every single call made by every Autobot. Let's see...oh! And he also got into a barfight with Impactor after he found out the Wreckers had a jailbait wait for you.”
“That...that explains a whole lot, actually.” Rod murmured, leaning forward and resting his chin in his hands. “So, Hubcap... You're good with people right? Got any suggestions?”
“You want the truth?” he muttered. “I honestly don't care what you do. Fuck 'em all, if you want. Auction your aft off to the highest bidder. It really doesn't matter to me.”
“...auction myself off? Like a hooker?”
Hubcap shrugged. “What? It happens in the Towers all the time. Just ask Bluestreak. If you want my opinion, I'd say you could get at least half a million easily for that fine aft. You've already got 'em lined up to nail you...”
“I will not sell myself!” snapped Rod. “But that does give me an idea... Hubcap, can you open up a line on all channels?”
“Yes, sir. But why do you need-”
“I've got an announcement to make,” he said, grinning evilly.
Hubcap leaned over and dialed in a few codes on the computer. “Done.”
“My fellow Autobots,” Rod began cheerily. “I'm sure many of you have seen the newsfeeds recently and now know that I was rejected from speaking before the Senate due to having the misfortune of being an inexperienced vestal. Well, that is going to change! One joor from now, I will post a sign-up sheet that will be open to any interested parties until there are thirty entries. Once that happens, I will randomly select a name off the list and the lucky contestant gets to fuck me practically anyway they want to for the whole day. This will continue the next thirty cycles, barring an emergency, of course. So take advantage of this once in lifetime chance to fuck me over! I am more than willing to try anything at least once. Maybe you'll even get lucky and get to pop my cherry! Rodimus, signing off.”
As he settled back in the chair, Hubcap stared at him.
“You did not just send out an all-points comm to offer your aft in a sweepstakes...”
“What? I have to lose my virtue anyway. Might as well give everybody who cares the chance at it.” He shrugged. “Besides, I doubt there's going to be that much interest... It'll probably take weeks before there are thirty names logged in it.”
Hubcap arched his eyeridge again. “Wanna make a bet on that?”
“How much?”
“100 credits, you hit thirty in less than half a joor.”
Rod grinned. “Done.”
One joor and a quarter later, Rodimus was 100 credits poorer.
~~~~
Master list located here: http://drunkenwillywonka.tumblr.com/post/25110285816/30-days-of-rod-master-list