Numbness
Just finished reading The Hunger Games, a great read that has kept me living in a different yet oh so similar world for the past few days. Finished now and trying to reajust to the moment by getting on with outstanding work. Epically failing mind you but trying.
Things are still fuzzy as they have been the last few weeks, not aided by the niggling pain in my back. It just does not seem to go away dispite doing the excercises and taking the pain killers. Admittedly I'm not taking them as much as they keep telling me to but I cannot help but worry about taking them plus they leave me feeling even more spaced out and tired which is something I do not need help feeling at the moment.
Sleep is not a reliable thing at the moment either finding it hard to switch off, rudely waken up in the night or simply not satisfying enough. Hence the feeling of familiarness to the fiction. When sleep does come I'm bombarded with strange dreams which in the light of day I try to decode. Yes somethings are obvious why I keep dreaming them- planes, crashes, running away- tied in with the fears of flying next month on holiday. Others- my sister running away after claiming she murdered some people, rescuing people in boats, an old friend getting shot- is a lot harder to decode.
It seems I cannot switch off. Since the physio pointed out that the rest of my back is aching in compensation and in tension its all I can feel. In an effort to take better care of myself the more aware I am that its not working. The same that the more I try to work the less progress I make.
The start of that old familar sprial. The Spiral which drew me to fiction again, Katniss hiding away, seeking refuge in stupor, something again that is hauntingly familar. The ongoing struggle not to give up, to hide in bed and sob uncontroably untill someone comes to bail my pitiful ass out of self loathing without the easy option so desperatly craving. I hate to be on the medication as well.
I'm sitting here trying to get on with work but again my mind is wondering, hoping this will dissapear so I can get on to the thing I'm more confident and acutally want to write. I'm hoping this helps clear my mind enough so I can get on and get some writing done.
Things are still fuzzy as they have been the last few weeks, not aided by the niggling pain in my back. It just does not seem to go away dispite doing the excercises and taking the pain killers. Admittedly I'm not taking them as much as they keep telling me to but I cannot help but worry about taking them plus they leave me feeling even more spaced out and tired which is something I do not need help feeling at the moment.
Sleep is not a reliable thing at the moment either finding it hard to switch off, rudely waken up in the night or simply not satisfying enough. Hence the feeling of familiarness to the fiction. When sleep does come I'm bombarded with strange dreams which in the light of day I try to decode. Yes somethings are obvious why I keep dreaming them- planes, crashes, running away- tied in with the fears of flying next month on holiday. Others- my sister running away after claiming she murdered some people, rescuing people in boats, an old friend getting shot- is a lot harder to decode.
It seems I cannot switch off. Since the physio pointed out that the rest of my back is aching in compensation and in tension its all I can feel. In an effort to take better care of myself the more aware I am that its not working. The same that the more I try to work the less progress I make.
The start of that old familar sprial. The Spiral which drew me to fiction again, Katniss hiding away, seeking refuge in stupor, something again that is hauntingly familar. The ongoing struggle not to give up, to hide in bed and sob uncontroably untill someone comes to bail my pitiful ass out of self loathing without the easy option so desperatly craving. I hate to be on the medication as well.
I'm sitting here trying to get on with work but again my mind is wondering, hoping this will dissapear so I can get on to the thing I'm more confident and acutally want to write. I'm hoping this helps clear my mind enough so I can get on and get some writing done.