Interview with a Poisoner
Interview with a Poisoner...
You want to know of my past? I cannot see why, there is not much to tell... All I can truly say is that I have lived a long life for what I do.
What do I do? I'm a chef. A cook. A preparer of feasts beyond imagining. Or... atleast that's what I'd like to say. No... I'm a bounty hunter. I spend my time tracking down criminals. My specialty are humans. I know my own kind best. Of course... I'm also paid to find the occaisional missing person, or even hired to investigate domestic disputes. By day I work at a tavern, preparing meals, by night I go to sleazy bars and shifty joints looking for people who don't want to be found... It's what I do.
Why? Well, it pays the bills. Cooking isn't known for its wealth, and I enjoy the finer things in life, food... wine... and a nice place to dine.
Heh, I suppose... All this eating probably should have gone to my stomach by now, but I stay fit. Being 35 in a profession that most people don't live past 30 in, I have to.
Grampa? Heh, no... I don't get called that alot. Iron Chef? One person called me that... It was a bit of a joke really... You see, this one time I was hired to kill... Yes... I can be hired to kill, but I don't typically take the job... anyway I was hired to kill this baron who was taxing his citizens out of house and home. He had a soft spot for cooking and eating, which is where the tax money was going. Well... He holds Annual contests to see who would be his chef for the next year... Called Mithral Chef... the winner gets to stay on and live in the mansion, the losers are killed. Well obviously I had to win the competition to get close enough to kill the fat bastard. Needless to say I did, and it wasn't long before the first meal he ate I cooked without his taste tester first... he choked and died... thanks to an extra ingredient of mine... Anyway I was telling this story to a friend of mine and he exclaimed, "Mithral Chef!? You my dear friend are too hard and cold to be a 'mithral' chef... to poison a man without blinking... you must be an Iron Chef" I liked it... it kind of stuck... now I'm told that that's what I go by in the underground, but no one says it too my face... somewhat of a joke really... not that I mind.
Hm? Oh... well... that's the darker side of cooking... You see... I dabble in poison and alchemy, both of which spawned from the same source... cooking. You see... if you think about it... food, and everythign that falls under the category as edible contains poisons. Very little actually doesn't have anything in it. Even water can poison you if you drink too much. When I first started out, I considered this fact, and I sought to understand the nature of poisons. I ventured into the wild and began testing myself. You learn very quickly what you can and can't eat if you live alone in a forest for a while. I found that some mushrooms, when cooked properly, lose all their poisonous nature and taste quite delicious, while some flowers, harmless in their natural state become amazingly toxic after brewed for ten minutes in boiling water. This duality, this hidden aspect is what I love best. Caterpillers... tiny things that are by all rights, completely harmless... they don't even look threatening, have the ability to kill a full grown man on contact. This deadliness is bot frightening and amazing at the same time. In my time as a chef I have found that just a hint of a poison, not enough to even register in your body gives a whole new flavor to the meal. In addition, I have found a way to give ordinary water such a horrible twist it will have you spilling your guts... literally... It's actually perfect for getting rid of ingested poisons and other malicious things.
Alchemy? Oh yes, I did mention that. Well, after I had begun to understand poisons, I had found that some ingredients, when combined, produce very interesting results... especially if magic found its way into the mixture. This... this is a trail bar. A simple oat bar that's relatively easy to make can feed a man for a full day. Horrible on the taste buds, it's actually quite bland. Well... mine aren't... Mine are delicious... at least... that's why my companions say. For some reason they never have the courage to tell me the truth about my cooking. Anyway... I prepare mainly the ingest alchemical items, however I have been known to prepare the occaisional extra item.
Companions? Oh, sometimes I'm employed by adventurers (or at least those who call themselves thus) to aid them on quests. Being a good cook and a decent marksmen makes me a decent addition. Only once have I ever had to kill a party... but that was because they intended to destroy an orphanage. I'm sorry, but I don't allow the killing of children.
Yes... I have mentioned that. I enjoy recipes, and the weirder/exotic, the better. Hell, I know a Demon cultist recipe for devouring a virgin. Hey... their ritual calls for eating, but it doesn't say how. Anyway, I keep such recipes mostly as threats. I probably won't ever use them, but they're fun to leave laying around.
Where did I grow up? A small coastal village... part farm lands, part fishing you could find practically anything in the merchant district. Of course by district I mean this one block where the smell of vegetables ripening in the afternoon sun and the smell of fish, beef, pork, and chicken all melted together in your mouth, leaving you licking away the saliva. It was amazing. At least... until I came to the capital... So many different foods it's insane. I love spending time out shopping around, picking up the occaisional item and talking at length to store owners to find out how best to prepare them. Actually, there was this one vegetable called a Fugushi... it's a root vegetable much like the potato, except it has a very sweet and salty taste... excellent dried, but if you boiled it in water with a pinch of oregano the Fugushi would release this toxic dye... The only way to cook it is to use oil and either fry or bake... the dye remains inert and can't harm a person... Well, if you do boil it, you can actually transfer just the vegetable to a new pot and boil it again, then, you boil it one more time, taking a cup of the boil-2 water and putting it in the third boiling pot... afterwards you mash it, and mix it with a bread-dressing... and maybe a bit of cheese... this recipe I learned of actually, when prepared right, causes your lips and tip of your tongue to go numb... they call it the taste of death. Just whatever you do, do not eat it with Blowfish. The two's poisons would actually cause you to lose your lunch so to speak.
Well, I finally decided to leave Kempton when my father said that no son of his would be a cook. Unfortunately for him, it was thanks to an ill prepared meal by my sister that made him horribly sick... She had bought some unrippened tomatoes and cooked them with sweet potatos rather than normal potatoes... My father spent a week throwing up... I on the other hand, spent the week laughing my ass off. I decided to head out to Sorrell. Sorrell is he largest city near where I lived, about a 20 mile walk, it took me the entire day to get there, but when I did I instantly knew I found my home for the next 10 years. I lived and breathed cooking. I earned myself a spot as a cook in a tavern, called the Silverman's Post. Unfortunately it was a poor tavern, so I spent most of my time cooking roasts and potatoes... but I managed to earn enough to pay for spices which I used to make the meals... flavorful. They became a huge hit because I would tailor the meals to the buyer's taste depending on what they were drinking, age, weight, etc... soon the tavern started making more money and I started cooking more... I had my own little place where, after I started earning soem decent money, I fixed up and really made it into a home... I spent my nights testing recipes and spices... and that's even when I started learning about poisons... You have know what you're getting into as a chef... you can't just ignore one side because you're afraid.
Bounty hunter? I'm getting to that... Well... I have had my enemies, and one such individual decided to come to the Post and pester me. Well... I have a knack for noticing things, and I noticed he stayed away from the peanuts but ate the stale bread we leave at the bar. Now... I'm a nice individual to a point, but when he began to harass the barmaids... both nice girls, and one I had a small crush on... well... I couldn't help but become upset.. fortunately he ordered a meal, and me in my infinite wisdom, used peanut oil. The bastard choked and died... the guard came and did a detect poison check on the meal to find nothing... the funny thing about detect poison is... the magic only takes into account your own immune system... or rather the immune system of the caster... which is why the didn't catch the peanut oil I used and subsequently tossed into the trash before they had a chance to search the Post. Well... word got around, and people grew quiet when the neared me... that's the thing about people... even though there was no proof I killed him, they still believed I did it... people stopped coming and i was fired... well... hard up for a job, I took the first thing that came my way...
Turns out someone needed someone done in... Well... I provided the poison... I began selling my wares underground... I didn't care to bought them, I didn't ask questions... I only produced the stuff... I was virtually untraceable... that is until my buyers squealed and the guard caught me... Though... as it turns out they gave me a reduced sentence if I agreed to help them catch this one guy that's been on the run for a while... I agreed and they disguised me and put me to work in this bar he frequented... I'm no stranger to drinks, so when he came in, I asked him what he'd have... he said the strongest stuff... I gave it to him... then next thing he knew he woke up in a jail cell... after that I started working for the guard... I went undercover as a bar tender, a cook, or even just a bastard with a high fortitude.
From there, my work just ballooned... I became a ranger...
My dog? oh... heh... yeah... I met him one evening when I was working a stake out... he wandered by was hungry as all get out... I gave him my food... and he stayed with me the whole night... the guy I was looking for had sent some one out to scout around for lookouts and well, he found me... the dog noticed before I did... he barked, and I got an arrow into the ass's throat... of course we had to chase down the original guy I was looking for... and by we, I mean the dog and I... I named him silverman. After the first job I had.
Now... the two of us chase down criminals... oh sure I cook every now and then, but mostly it's just the two of us...
Bloodhound? I haven't heard that in a while... sure... I know of the organization... had a run in with them... they wanted me to join, but I declined... turns out they're not to friendly towards intelligent people who use poison or tricks... Eh, I get the job done.
A new nick? No, nicknames are for kids... I'm just known as Jack.
Your name?... oh, your real name, that's easy... You're Holander.
You seem surprised... of course I'd recognize you, you were this upstart in the Bloodhounds... the one I gave the diuretic to...
Heh.. kill me? I'm sorry... you must have me confused for an idiot... I'm older and more experienced than you are... In fact, if you could kill me, you'd have to be better than me... but in order to do that, you'd have to be able to breath... just now noticed? Yeah... I'm no doctor... but I'd have to say you're allergic to whatever it was that was in your drink...
Sweet dreams... oh... and if you ever see your boss again... do tell him that I don't take kindly to murder attempts...
You want to know of my past? I cannot see why, there is not much to tell... All I can truly say is that I have lived a long life for what I do.
What do I do? I'm a chef. A cook. A preparer of feasts beyond imagining. Or... atleast that's what I'd like to say. No... I'm a bounty hunter. I spend my time tracking down criminals. My specialty are humans. I know my own kind best. Of course... I'm also paid to find the occaisional missing person, or even hired to investigate domestic disputes. By day I work at a tavern, preparing meals, by night I go to sleazy bars and shifty joints looking for people who don't want to be found... It's what I do.
Why? Well, it pays the bills. Cooking isn't known for its wealth, and I enjoy the finer things in life, food... wine... and a nice place to dine.
Heh, I suppose... All this eating probably should have gone to my stomach by now, but I stay fit. Being 35 in a profession that most people don't live past 30 in, I have to.
Grampa? Heh, no... I don't get called that alot. Iron Chef? One person called me that... It was a bit of a joke really... You see, this one time I was hired to kill... Yes... I can be hired to kill, but I don't typically take the job... anyway I was hired to kill this baron who was taxing his citizens out of house and home. He had a soft spot for cooking and eating, which is where the tax money was going. Well... He holds Annual contests to see who would be his chef for the next year... Called Mithral Chef... the winner gets to stay on and live in the mansion, the losers are killed. Well obviously I had to win the competition to get close enough to kill the fat bastard. Needless to say I did, and it wasn't long before the first meal he ate I cooked without his taste tester first... he choked and died... thanks to an extra ingredient of mine... Anyway I was telling this story to a friend of mine and he exclaimed, "Mithral Chef!? You my dear friend are too hard and cold to be a 'mithral' chef... to poison a man without blinking... you must be an Iron Chef" I liked it... it kind of stuck... now I'm told that that's what I go by in the underground, but no one says it too my face... somewhat of a joke really... not that I mind.
Hm? Oh... well... that's the darker side of cooking... You see... I dabble in poison and alchemy, both of which spawned from the same source... cooking. You see... if you think about it... food, and everythign that falls under the category as edible contains poisons. Very little actually doesn't have anything in it. Even water can poison you if you drink too much. When I first started out, I considered this fact, and I sought to understand the nature of poisons. I ventured into the wild and began testing myself. You learn very quickly what you can and can't eat if you live alone in a forest for a while. I found that some mushrooms, when cooked properly, lose all their poisonous nature and taste quite delicious, while some flowers, harmless in their natural state become amazingly toxic after brewed for ten minutes in boiling water. This duality, this hidden aspect is what I love best. Caterpillers... tiny things that are by all rights, completely harmless... they don't even look threatening, have the ability to kill a full grown man on contact. This deadliness is bot frightening and amazing at the same time. In my time as a chef I have found that just a hint of a poison, not enough to even register in your body gives a whole new flavor to the meal. In addition, I have found a way to give ordinary water such a horrible twist it will have you spilling your guts... literally... It's actually perfect for getting rid of ingested poisons and other malicious things.
Alchemy? Oh yes, I did mention that. Well, after I had begun to understand poisons, I had found that some ingredients, when combined, produce very interesting results... especially if magic found its way into the mixture. This... this is a trail bar. A simple oat bar that's relatively easy to make can feed a man for a full day. Horrible on the taste buds, it's actually quite bland. Well... mine aren't... Mine are delicious... at least... that's why my companions say. For some reason they never have the courage to tell me the truth about my cooking. Anyway... I prepare mainly the ingest alchemical items, however I have been known to prepare the occaisional extra item.
Companions? Oh, sometimes I'm employed by adventurers (or at least those who call themselves thus) to aid them on quests. Being a good cook and a decent marksmen makes me a decent addition. Only once have I ever had to kill a party... but that was because they intended to destroy an orphanage. I'm sorry, but I don't allow the killing of children.
Yes... I have mentioned that. I enjoy recipes, and the weirder/exotic, the better. Hell, I know a Demon cultist recipe for devouring a virgin. Hey... their ritual calls for eating, but it doesn't say how. Anyway, I keep such recipes mostly as threats. I probably won't ever use them, but they're fun to leave laying around.
Where did I grow up? A small coastal village... part farm lands, part fishing you could find practically anything in the merchant district. Of course by district I mean this one block where the smell of vegetables ripening in the afternoon sun and the smell of fish, beef, pork, and chicken all melted together in your mouth, leaving you licking away the saliva. It was amazing. At least... until I came to the capital... So many different foods it's insane. I love spending time out shopping around, picking up the occaisional item and talking at length to store owners to find out how best to prepare them. Actually, there was this one vegetable called a Fugushi... it's a root vegetable much like the potato, except it has a very sweet and salty taste... excellent dried, but if you boiled it in water with a pinch of oregano the Fugushi would release this toxic dye... The only way to cook it is to use oil and either fry or bake... the dye remains inert and can't harm a person... Well, if you do boil it, you can actually transfer just the vegetable to a new pot and boil it again, then, you boil it one more time, taking a cup of the boil-2 water and putting it in the third boiling pot... afterwards you mash it, and mix it with a bread-dressing... and maybe a bit of cheese... this recipe I learned of actually, when prepared right, causes your lips and tip of your tongue to go numb... they call it the taste of death. Just whatever you do, do not eat it with Blowfish. The two's poisons would actually cause you to lose your lunch so to speak.
Well, I finally decided to leave Kempton when my father said that no son of his would be a cook. Unfortunately for him, it was thanks to an ill prepared meal by my sister that made him horribly sick... She had bought some unrippened tomatoes and cooked them with sweet potatos rather than normal potatoes... My father spent a week throwing up... I on the other hand, spent the week laughing my ass off. I decided to head out to Sorrell. Sorrell is he largest city near where I lived, about a 20 mile walk, it took me the entire day to get there, but when I did I instantly knew I found my home for the next 10 years. I lived and breathed cooking. I earned myself a spot as a cook in a tavern, called the Silverman's Post. Unfortunately it was a poor tavern, so I spent most of my time cooking roasts and potatoes... but I managed to earn enough to pay for spices which I used to make the meals... flavorful. They became a huge hit because I would tailor the meals to the buyer's taste depending on what they were drinking, age, weight, etc... soon the tavern started making more money and I started cooking more... I had my own little place where, after I started earning soem decent money, I fixed up and really made it into a home... I spent my nights testing recipes and spices... and that's even when I started learning about poisons... You have know what you're getting into as a chef... you can't just ignore one side because you're afraid.
Bounty hunter? I'm getting to that... Well... I have had my enemies, and one such individual decided to come to the Post and pester me. Well... I have a knack for noticing things, and I noticed he stayed away from the peanuts but ate the stale bread we leave at the bar. Now... I'm a nice individual to a point, but when he began to harass the barmaids... both nice girls, and one I had a small crush on... well... I couldn't help but become upset.. fortunately he ordered a meal, and me in my infinite wisdom, used peanut oil. The bastard choked and died... the guard came and did a detect poison check on the meal to find nothing... the funny thing about detect poison is... the magic only takes into account your own immune system... or rather the immune system of the caster... which is why the didn't catch the peanut oil I used and subsequently tossed into the trash before they had a chance to search the Post. Well... word got around, and people grew quiet when the neared me... that's the thing about people... even though there was no proof I killed him, they still believed I did it... people stopped coming and i was fired... well... hard up for a job, I took the first thing that came my way...
Turns out someone needed someone done in... Well... I provided the poison... I began selling my wares underground... I didn't care to bought them, I didn't ask questions... I only produced the stuff... I was virtually untraceable... that is until my buyers squealed and the guard caught me... Though... as it turns out they gave me a reduced sentence if I agreed to help them catch this one guy that's been on the run for a while... I agreed and they disguised me and put me to work in this bar he frequented... I'm no stranger to drinks, so when he came in, I asked him what he'd have... he said the strongest stuff... I gave it to him... then next thing he knew he woke up in a jail cell... after that I started working for the guard... I went undercover as a bar tender, a cook, or even just a bastard with a high fortitude.
From there, my work just ballooned... I became a ranger...
My dog? oh... heh... yeah... I met him one evening when I was working a stake out... he wandered by was hungry as all get out... I gave him my food... and he stayed with me the whole night... the guy I was looking for had sent some one out to scout around for lookouts and well, he found me... the dog noticed before I did... he barked, and I got an arrow into the ass's throat... of course we had to chase down the original guy I was looking for... and by we, I mean the dog and I... I named him silverman. After the first job I had.
Now... the two of us chase down criminals... oh sure I cook every now and then, but mostly it's just the two of us...
Bloodhound? I haven't heard that in a while... sure... I know of the organization... had a run in with them... they wanted me to join, but I declined... turns out they're not to friendly towards intelligent people who use poison or tricks... Eh, I get the job done.
A new nick? No, nicknames are for kids... I'm just known as Jack.
Your name?... oh, your real name, that's easy... You're Holander.
You seem surprised... of course I'd recognize you, you were this upstart in the Bloodhounds... the one I gave the diuretic to...
Heh.. kill me? I'm sorry... you must have me confused for an idiot... I'm older and more experienced than you are... In fact, if you could kill me, you'd have to be better than me... but in order to do that, you'd have to be able to breath... just now noticed? Yeah... I'm no doctor... but I'd have to say you're allergic to whatever it was that was in your drink...
Sweet dreams... oh... and if you ever see your boss again... do tell him that I don't take kindly to murder attempts...