and every night at 2 am i wonder why, cant he lie close to me

[xdumbxgirlx]

every where i go now. hes just fucking everywhere. me and him, were such a stupid thing. and i hate him. and i try to get away from him. but hes here and he pushes back. and he makes me so miserably happy. im sorry i ever let him in in the first place. and i dont think ill ever escape it. and ive never hated someone like this before. theres a reason he didnt go away to college. him being a block away was always really comforting to me and now it just makes me hate this place, and that park, and everything that screams it. i really hate the way decideing what im doing with the rest of my life has everything to do with him and what he opened up inside me. why does he always get his way. his stupid stupid fucking way! everytime. i set myself up 5 years ago for something that just wouldnt stop kicking my ass. i want to stop hurting myself but i dont know how. ive tried and not tried and nothing ever works. its a temporary fix until the next time he shows up somewhere and "jess"'s me. i hate him and the way he says my name and how he was the first person to ever make it seem like it ment anything. this boy who ive never kissed, but i love with all my heart...he old me h loved me. 3 times. i remember everytime. the first time he was going to canada and left me a message saying "i just wanted to tell you that i love you incase i dont make it back" the second time was when i made up some person and put some random guys name in my profile, and he went crazy and flipped out at me and when i asked him why he cared so much he said "because i fucking love you. im fuckng in love with you. happy now? dont leave me. whoever he is...i love you" and the third time was on the phone watching saving silverman ad he said "jess, i think your my one and only someone." and i said "no, i dont think we could know that yet" and he said "but i dont see why not"

i was looking thru pictures from 8th grade. god i was so ugly. thats why i liked him so much. he was the only boy who i ever thought was cute who ever made me feel like he liked me.

i saw him the other day at the gas station and some guy came to help me and he just came out with him and stood next to my window and started joking around with me. i asked for $20 regular n hes like "no we dont do that here" and idiot claire goes "why not?" which made him laugh and smile that stupid fucking face! i hate him.

david i hate you. i hate you i hate you i hate you! mostly because i dont.