(no subject)
I've been having the same dream for the past three nights. I wake up in the middle of it each time, I swear it's from the sound of me crying out loud. Something inside of me is not right, and whatever it is, it's not letting me forget. The cycle starts with this. I'll meditate, eat better, exercise outside. I begin to think that if I feel better, if I look better, I will have reconciled myself to you. It was always about that. It was always about making sure no one knew, no matter what. And I suppose that's why I think that if I can somehow erase this imprint you've left with your life, if I can somehow reverse the bruises that continually rise on my skin, (and I can warrant no explanation of how they got there) then I don't have to let people see that behind all the smoke of mirrors and fog, there's just this place that consumes a little too much of me. I mean, not nearly everything anymore, but just enough to keep that part of me alive. I feel content and deserving and because I do, I feel vulnerable. There's this belief of mine, that for everything good that happens in my life I'll have to pay for it sooner or later. I get this looming sense of debt and it feels like waiting for phone calls.