saddness
Well anyways I been in a deep thought lately and well I have gotten depressed about it. I hate that school has ended!! All the friends I had are starting to fade from me, they are either in their own world or well im busy with work. I don’t have time for anything anymore because I no longer have a life; I have been taken in by the adult life. My best friend is fading away from me and im seeing myself in the dark. I don’t feel like moving away anymore and I don’t want my friends to disappear. I hate not seeing my friends anymore as I used to and pretty much im lost, when I do talk to my friends they have all this new stuff to tell me but me I have nothing to tell my life is a damn cycle! I feel alone lately, I am nothing without my friends and yet I see my world falling apart as more and more of my friends disappear. I have my boyfriend yes but without friends to be around when shit goes down you pretty much are alone. I have sworn to my friends that I would not ever put a guy before them again I learned from my mistake and I have put them first as I have promised. But I just don’t know what to do anymore Michelle and me just don’t know how to communicate anymore with each other, I find myself trying to drag out a conversation but don’t seem to reach one. I wish I lived closer to Jenny so I wouldn’t have to talk to her online only. It sucks that I can’t chill with her like I would like to and yet I barely have time to even talk to her either. I feel that our relationship has become distant and well I blame myself for that, but it’s hard to except it. I always saw Jenny as a close friend to me she was someone who understood me. It’s hard for me to find friends who actually get me and not to mention she has always had this aura that makes me feel at home. I don’t usually feel like that when im alone. I haven’t ever met a person who would lift my spirits by just making me laugh and smile. She truly is unique and very special but I don’t know if she is aware of her gift to bring joy to other people’s life. Michelle on the other hand makes me feel that it’s ok to be who I am and not feel ashamed of myself. She was the one who taught me to be true to myself. I couldn’t have realized things if it wasn’t for her. And im glad I have her as my best friend even if she thinks she is annoying she really is not. Each one of my friends that I consider special gives me a different strength. Each one is special in my heart and each I am loyal to. Michelle is like my warrior she isn’t afraid to speak her mind and she doesn’t judge, she gives me the strengths to be true to myself and to be honest. Michelle is my light to see the things I don’t see myself. And for that I thank her with all my heart. Phillip although he acts weird has done his work too. Phillip makes me feel comfortable in my own skin he taught me not to care what I look like and be proud of myself regardless what others say. He has been a big help over the years. Priscilla is my beauty queen she makes me feel beautiful no matter what I look like and makes me feel like im not dead yet. Although she has been absent a lot through our friendship nevertheless she still saw me as her best friend. Tabitha taught me to fight back for myself over the years of our friendship and battles I learned to defend myself. She always has had a special place in my heart and although she has changed and doesn’t see me the same anymore I still see her the same and I don’t see her any different. And whatever her choice is for being distant I respect it and hope for the best. Jenny I want to really thank you though, you always gave me courage and strength when I was down. You always brought me back to myself whenever I was lost and for that I thank you. You probably don’t know what you did and well you don’t need to. All you need to know is that you’re a great friend and I won’t ever forget you no matter what happens over the years. Even if we lose contact I want you to know my loyalty as a friend to you will always stay true. Its how I am I can’t back away from the people I see special in my life. We once were best friends and even if we aren’t now you’re still seen as a sister to me. I love you! And I love all my other family members I have collected over the years. I just wish I didn’t have to have distance after karo died things haven’t been the same I miss her so much and I still feel so guilty about it all. I feel very guilty because I didn’t call her I lost contact with her. I didn’t call her after knowing that she told me to please call her that she hated not being in contact with her friends it made her feel alone. And for that I feel I have failed and for the rest of my life I will hold the pain and guilt in my heart for failing a promise I made. I wish I could go back but its impossible…