Still crying...
My old swim coach always said, 'If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all.' I curse him. Thus far in my life, I've tried to live by this, partly because of him, and mostly because of my family. I'm finding that this makes friends and others uncomfortable. It pushes people away. I should know this; my sister does this and therefore has no friends. I often think about how if family won’t around, she's going to grow old lonely. Conversely my dad says what ever he wants and because of that he doesn't have any friends either. I've seen his relationship with old friends and parts of his own family deteriorate because of words that come out of his mouth. Where should I be, what should I do? Thus far I've chosen the quiet approach. Some of my friends have said that this is very snobby. I agree with them, but can't seem to get passed it. I don't do it intentionally; I just don't know what to say. I can't get the right/wrong words out. I don't want to unintentionally hurt anyone by saying the wrong things. If I do want to hurt you, I will usually come right out and say it. I'm really really confused & more sorry, because looking back I've lost touch with many good friends by being this way. I tend to hurt friends and others when I speak, and maybe I hurt friends even more when I don't speak. I don't want to hurt anyone. To those that I hurt this way, especially my one friend that right now matters most, I'm truly sorry. I now know that it’s something I need to work on. I hope I haven't lost you also...