A Change in the Tide
Yay I'm so proud of myself. I finally finished that goddamn femmeslash fic. I changed the title, too. I didn't like the old one. You'll notice (those that have been watching) that this is not my usual style. There are no excruciating sexual details. That, my dears, is because this fic is a la Theresa, my lovley muse who I have this crazy-fangirl crush-thing on. Yeah. I am in a very her mood right now.
A Change in the Tide
*Author’s Note: Characters belong to the fabulous J.K. Rowling.
This fic is for Theresa, one of the most inspiring people I have ever met. I have tried my best to change her exact words to my own, but they are so beautiful I fear my work does not do her enough justice.
*****
Ginny and I were lounging comfortably in the Common Room by the fire, and found ourselves languidly discussing the past love, yet again. I have been refraining from saying His name. It has become too painful.
I was optimistically listing reasons a member of crueler sex had snubbed me-“Perhaps I was distracting to his studies. Or he’s homosexual.” I had hoped He was homosexual. It would explain why He has started to hang out with Seamus more than Ron or I.
“Or maybe…” Delicately Ginny’s mouth formed the words. “He is repulsed by you.”
“Repulsed?!” I leapt up from the high-backed chair and sprinted towards the mirror. I searched my body for some grotesque disfigurement and found nothing. I stared into the depths of my eyes. I found nothing hideous in them but lust and shame. Those two are hideous things but they usually do not deter men.
“I’m not saying you’re…repulsive,” Ginny said slowly, insidiously. “I’m only saying he might think of you that way.”
“Of course…of course…” I repeated blankly, hands searching over my body, looking for the secret thing that was so repulsive.
Ginny rolled her eyes at me, but I did not see it.
****
I had a dream last night, one of those dreams that you hate to wake up from. And then when you do wake up, you're so disappointed it wasn't real. And when you're semi-conscious and it still feels like it happened and you clutch on to it with sweaty, sleepy hands only to wake up and be holding on to air.
It was one of those dreams that changes the way you look at someone, but it was not who I expected it to be.
*****
It has become very hard to keep focus with Him and His empty expression sitting across the room. More than once I’ve been caught stealing glances. Sometimes I think He wouldn’t miss me if I died.
Ginny was waiting for me outside the classroom and we walked back to the dorm together, talking. Somehow the subject of the rising number of gays at Hogwarts came up, don’t ask me how. Possibly because we passed Blaise Zabini in the hallway, and Ginny had just admitted to me that she had a crush on her.
We sat upstairs on my bed, since her room was currently occupied by her peers, and mine was empty. I reached across the bed and hugged her. “Thank you for being such a good friend.”
She smiled and hugged me back. “Thank you for being a person to be friends with.”
*****
I was sleeping when I felt a hand on my shoulder, shaking me gently awake. I turned over and lazily opened my eyes to find Ginny standing at the side of my bed, eyes wide.
“What’s the matter?”
“Don’t want to talk about it. Can I sleep here?”
“Sure.”
I moved over some so that Ginny could share the bed with me. I find the heat of her body next to mine unusually exciting, though I chose not to do or say anything about it.
She changed position and accidentally touched my breast, which sent a shiver down my spine. After a whispered apology, she fell back asleep.
I didn’t get the chance to tell her I didn’t mind.
*****
I’m sure the fact that Ginny and I shared a bed last night shocked the other girls in the dorm when they woke up that morning.
And the fact that they have found out that Ginny is bi does not help.
*****
I woke up to find Ginny still sleeping, so I quietly got up from my bed, careful not to wake her. It was around 6:45 in the morning, which gave me enough time to shower and go down to breakfast before class.
I went down to the Great Hall for breakfast to find Him sitting at the table and eating cereal. I sat on the other side of the table, a few yards down, and got myself some toast and juice. I was just beginning to read the Prophet when I heard the doors open. I turned to see Lavender and Parvati entering the Hall, giggling and whispering to each other.
They walked over to the Gryffindor table and sat down, still laughing. Occasionally they would look over at me and the laughs would start again.
I knew exactly what they were talking about.
*****
After class, I sat on my bed reading. I heard a soft knock on the door, so I got up to open it. Ginny was standing in the doorway, wearing a red tank top and black skirt under her school robes.
“You’ve been up here alone too long. Get dressed. We’re going out.”
I knew it would cause more rumors to fly, but I got up and changed.
*****
We went down to the village and she dragged me into The Three Broomsticks. We sat in a booth, and she ordered us both butterbeers.
“So, what’s going on?”
I shrugged and wrapped my hands around the hot mug in front of me.
“ ’Moine…” She moved over and hugged me.
I half-heartedly hugged her back. “All this business with Harry and me…It’s just driving me crazy.”
She smiled sympathetically. “I know. Lets just talk about something else for a while, shall we? Lets just have some fun girlie time.”
Just than I heard an explosion of giggles. I turned around to see Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown staring at us, whispering and giggling behind their hands. They can be so immature sometimes.
*****
So I try to talk to Parvati after classes and she exploded at me. She never wants to speak to me again. It makes me a little sick. I don't even remember that much about it anymore. I mean, I admit I fucked up in a big way-going out with her crush wasn't very nice of me--but she encouraged me the whole time, she said she didn't care either way. and I believed her, and I went after him, and got him, and she'll never have him and it kills her. So she began to hate me. And now all this business with Ginny is making her hate me even more, because she says “We never talk anymore.” Not like we ever did, anyway.
on a happier note, Ginny and I hung out a lot today. we're getting to be really good friends. is it better to have on very good friend or a group of friends? when you're talking about a school dorm I'm inclined to say a group, particularly when the single friend in question is a younger than you and not in any of your classes. but I enjoy Ginny an awful lot, we have fun.
*****
Lavender is the biggest bitch. I really thought I wanted her to forgive me, I thought I wanted to be "back in the group" again. She comes in here with some younger girl I don’t know, and of course all they're doing is looking for Parvati (yeah, like I'd know where that traitorous bitch my old friend is). Lavender starts making all these snide comments about The Breakup, and I of course just sit there dumbly and can think of nothing cleverly scathing to say back to her.
but I’ve acclimated myself to the fact I'm going to be alone for awhile. And it bothers me less each day. I have more time for work. I've decided I want to work for the Department of Mysteries, developing new potions or charms. I've got the grades. I mean, maybe. Or maybe it's just something I pulled out of my head, some kind of hope.
*****
Lavender actually talked to me today.
She asked me if I knew who I was going to the Yule Ball with yet. For a minute I thought perhaps it was some kind of trick question, and she was going to scream, "You better not take Harry, you dumb fuck!" and bodyslam me into the wall.
But she didn't. I said I wasn't sure yet, and she said she wasn't sure either, and she asked if I wanted a few Bertie Botts. I took them, even though I hate jelly beans. A peace offering?
I recognized the tone of Lavender's voice. It was the Begrudgingly Forgiving voice, the voice that comes after the storm, when she thinks perhaps she has been too harsh. I'll try smiling at her tomorrow, and if she looks at me without hatred or even maybe smiles back a little, then I'll know for sure.
But the thing is, what if she is "taking me back"? Am I going to slip back into the group as if this past week--past few weeks---haven't happened? Are Parvati and I going to hang out again? Will Lavender and I go get lunch and laugh about the garbage in the Quibbler and all of us spending Saturday nights together? Is that what I want?
But the thing is, I am making new friends! Ginny and I get closer every day, I laughed my head off on the way to classes with a bunch of Ravenclaws I hadn't really been friends with before, I went to dinner with two new people! I was--am--adapting, moving on, getting over it and getting out more.
And besides, I don’t want Ginny to think I’m a fake or anything. Or I was just coming to her for some bisexual love.
That sounded really lesbian, didn’t it?
*****
I might as well break it to you all right at once: I'm bi. I'm absolutely, officially, unashamedly bisexual. I like girls. I like boys. I kind of always liked girls, but you know how it is when you don't want to think about something. I have got a crush. just want to hold her, touch her hair, she's got little skinny lips and I want to kiss them.
That’s right. I have a crush on Ginny. Its kind of weird, being that she is my best friend’s sister, but I don’t think Ron will mind, being as we don’t talk that much anymore.
*****
Ginny came over to my dorm again today and we talked for hours about nothing. I let something slip about this whole me-being-bisexual thing, but I don’t know if she noticed. She’s even more beautiful up close. like maybe ten times as beautiful as she is when you're just regular, talking to her. I feel so wonderful.
*****
Ginny came over again last night, when no one else was there. I finally said openly that I was bisexual and had a crush on her, but I didn’t say it as plainly as that. It has taken me days to actually be comfortable with saying it out loud, but she understands.
We sort of sat staring at each other for a while after my “confession,” and than she kissed me.
She KISSED ME!
I feel so fabulous and beautiful and wanted. She actually likes me back and is not freaked out. She said she didn’t want to say anything before but she has likes me for a long time. She smiled at me and than we kissed again. I’m so happy.
*****
After a day of stealing nervous-but-flirty glances at each other across tables and hallways, Ginny and I finally got some time to ourselves after class.
We went outside and sneaked around back to the greenhouses and made out for a while. Its not like me to go so quickly into a relationship and be so forward with my sexual desires, but its different with Ginny because we’ve wanted each other for so long, and as she says, “now that I’m out with everything all that time of us not being together is catching up to us.” I just call it sexual tension.
It feels good to kiss her, finally.
*****
It is finally the weekend, so Ginny and I went out to Hogsmeade and made out for a while behind one of the old buildings, a secret spot that she found the last time she was there. It was all very nice until one of the store owners came out back and caught us in a very compromising position, so we decided to go back to school while everyone was still out and let it suffice to say we had “plans” for the time we had alone.
*****
We went back to my dorm and put up a silencing charm around the bed, closed the curtains and went at it.
We started just really intense kissing, until she decided to slide her hands up my shirt and it all went from there. She’s so soft and kiss-able and that fire-y red hair drives me insane. I love running my fingers through it while she licks my chest and a number of other body parts. I like being with her so much…it makes me forget all the horrible things that have been in the past.
When we are both completely undressed it is the most wonderful sensation ever. Sex with her is so very satisfying. I no longer feel unwanted and unloved. With her tongue and her lips all over me and my mouth all over her, it makes for one delicious time.
And she does this fabulous tongue-fucking thing that drives me over the edge ever single fucking time. And she looks so damn beautiful doing it.
LOVELOVELOVE her.
*****
Today is the end of term. Ginny and I sat together at the feast, and I didn’t care that people were giving us funny looks or that certain people we not looking at us at all, because she is my world and that’s all I care about right now.
And although I won’t be seeing her for a while, I’m ok because I know that she loves me, and I love her, and that’s all that matters to me.
-Fin-
Isn't it fab? going to go post it on Fanfiction.net now.
Goodnight, m'dears!
A Change in the Tide
*Author’s Note: Characters belong to the fabulous J.K. Rowling.
This fic is for Theresa, one of the most inspiring people I have ever met. I have tried my best to change her exact words to my own, but they are so beautiful I fear my work does not do her enough justice.
*****
Ginny and I were lounging comfortably in the Common Room by the fire, and found ourselves languidly discussing the past love, yet again. I have been refraining from saying His name. It has become too painful.
I was optimistically listing reasons a member of crueler sex had snubbed me-“Perhaps I was distracting to his studies. Or he’s homosexual.” I had hoped He was homosexual. It would explain why He has started to hang out with Seamus more than Ron or I.
“Or maybe…” Delicately Ginny’s mouth formed the words. “He is repulsed by you.”
“Repulsed?!” I leapt up from the high-backed chair and sprinted towards the mirror. I searched my body for some grotesque disfigurement and found nothing. I stared into the depths of my eyes. I found nothing hideous in them but lust and shame. Those two are hideous things but they usually do not deter men.
“I’m not saying you’re…repulsive,” Ginny said slowly, insidiously. “I’m only saying he might think of you that way.”
“Of course…of course…” I repeated blankly, hands searching over my body, looking for the secret thing that was so repulsive.
Ginny rolled her eyes at me, but I did not see it.
****
I had a dream last night, one of those dreams that you hate to wake up from. And then when you do wake up, you're so disappointed it wasn't real. And when you're semi-conscious and it still feels like it happened and you clutch on to it with sweaty, sleepy hands only to wake up and be holding on to air.
It was one of those dreams that changes the way you look at someone, but it was not who I expected it to be.
*****
It has become very hard to keep focus with Him and His empty expression sitting across the room. More than once I’ve been caught stealing glances. Sometimes I think He wouldn’t miss me if I died.
Ginny was waiting for me outside the classroom and we walked back to the dorm together, talking. Somehow the subject of the rising number of gays at Hogwarts came up, don’t ask me how. Possibly because we passed Blaise Zabini in the hallway, and Ginny had just admitted to me that she had a crush on her.
We sat upstairs on my bed, since her room was currently occupied by her peers, and mine was empty. I reached across the bed and hugged her. “Thank you for being such a good friend.”
She smiled and hugged me back. “Thank you for being a person to be friends with.”
*****
I was sleeping when I felt a hand on my shoulder, shaking me gently awake. I turned over and lazily opened my eyes to find Ginny standing at the side of my bed, eyes wide.
“What’s the matter?”
“Don’t want to talk about it. Can I sleep here?”
“Sure.”
I moved over some so that Ginny could share the bed with me. I find the heat of her body next to mine unusually exciting, though I chose not to do or say anything about it.
She changed position and accidentally touched my breast, which sent a shiver down my spine. After a whispered apology, she fell back asleep.
I didn’t get the chance to tell her I didn’t mind.
*****
I’m sure the fact that Ginny and I shared a bed last night shocked the other girls in the dorm when they woke up that morning.
And the fact that they have found out that Ginny is bi does not help.
*****
I woke up to find Ginny still sleeping, so I quietly got up from my bed, careful not to wake her. It was around 6:45 in the morning, which gave me enough time to shower and go down to breakfast before class.
I went down to the Great Hall for breakfast to find Him sitting at the table and eating cereal. I sat on the other side of the table, a few yards down, and got myself some toast and juice. I was just beginning to read the Prophet when I heard the doors open. I turned to see Lavender and Parvati entering the Hall, giggling and whispering to each other.
They walked over to the Gryffindor table and sat down, still laughing. Occasionally they would look over at me and the laughs would start again.
I knew exactly what they were talking about.
*****
After class, I sat on my bed reading. I heard a soft knock on the door, so I got up to open it. Ginny was standing in the doorway, wearing a red tank top and black skirt under her school robes.
“You’ve been up here alone too long. Get dressed. We’re going out.”
I knew it would cause more rumors to fly, but I got up and changed.
*****
We went down to the village and she dragged me into The Three Broomsticks. We sat in a booth, and she ordered us both butterbeers.
“So, what’s going on?”
I shrugged and wrapped my hands around the hot mug in front of me.
“ ’Moine…” She moved over and hugged me.
I half-heartedly hugged her back. “All this business with Harry and me…It’s just driving me crazy.”
She smiled sympathetically. “I know. Lets just talk about something else for a while, shall we? Lets just have some fun girlie time.”
Just than I heard an explosion of giggles. I turned around to see Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown staring at us, whispering and giggling behind their hands. They can be so immature sometimes.
*****
So I try to talk to Parvati after classes and she exploded at me. She never wants to speak to me again. It makes me a little sick. I don't even remember that much about it anymore. I mean, I admit I fucked up in a big way-going out with her crush wasn't very nice of me--but she encouraged me the whole time, she said she didn't care either way. and I believed her, and I went after him, and got him, and she'll never have him and it kills her. So she began to hate me. And now all this business with Ginny is making her hate me even more, because she says “We never talk anymore.” Not like we ever did, anyway.
on a happier note, Ginny and I hung out a lot today. we're getting to be really good friends. is it better to have on very good friend or a group of friends? when you're talking about a school dorm I'm inclined to say a group, particularly when the single friend in question is a younger than you and not in any of your classes. but I enjoy Ginny an awful lot, we have fun.
*****
Lavender is the biggest bitch. I really thought I wanted her to forgive me, I thought I wanted to be "back in the group" again. She comes in here with some younger girl I don’t know, and of course all they're doing is looking for Parvati (yeah, like I'd know where that traitorous bitch my old friend is). Lavender starts making all these snide comments about The Breakup, and I of course just sit there dumbly and can think of nothing cleverly scathing to say back to her.
but I’ve acclimated myself to the fact I'm going to be alone for awhile. And it bothers me less each day. I have more time for work. I've decided I want to work for the Department of Mysteries, developing new potions or charms. I've got the grades. I mean, maybe. Or maybe it's just something I pulled out of my head, some kind of hope.
*****
Lavender actually talked to me today.
She asked me if I knew who I was going to the Yule Ball with yet. For a minute I thought perhaps it was some kind of trick question, and she was going to scream, "You better not take Harry, you dumb fuck!" and bodyslam me into the wall.
But she didn't. I said I wasn't sure yet, and she said she wasn't sure either, and she asked if I wanted a few Bertie Botts. I took them, even though I hate jelly beans. A peace offering?
I recognized the tone of Lavender's voice. It was the Begrudgingly Forgiving voice, the voice that comes after the storm, when she thinks perhaps she has been too harsh. I'll try smiling at her tomorrow, and if she looks at me without hatred or even maybe smiles back a little, then I'll know for sure.
But the thing is, what if she is "taking me back"? Am I going to slip back into the group as if this past week--past few weeks---haven't happened? Are Parvati and I going to hang out again? Will Lavender and I go get lunch and laugh about the garbage in the Quibbler and all of us spending Saturday nights together? Is that what I want?
But the thing is, I am making new friends! Ginny and I get closer every day, I laughed my head off on the way to classes with a bunch of Ravenclaws I hadn't really been friends with before, I went to dinner with two new people! I was--am--adapting, moving on, getting over it and getting out more.
And besides, I don’t want Ginny to think I’m a fake or anything. Or I was just coming to her for some bisexual love.
That sounded really lesbian, didn’t it?
*****
I might as well break it to you all right at once: I'm bi. I'm absolutely, officially, unashamedly bisexual. I like girls. I like boys. I kind of always liked girls, but you know how it is when you don't want to think about something. I have got a crush. just want to hold her, touch her hair, she's got little skinny lips and I want to kiss them.
That’s right. I have a crush on Ginny. Its kind of weird, being that she is my best friend’s sister, but I don’t think Ron will mind, being as we don’t talk that much anymore.
*****
Ginny came over to my dorm again today and we talked for hours about nothing. I let something slip about this whole me-being-bisexual thing, but I don’t know if she noticed. She’s even more beautiful up close. like maybe ten times as beautiful as she is when you're just regular, talking to her. I feel so wonderful.
*****
Ginny came over again last night, when no one else was there. I finally said openly that I was bisexual and had a crush on her, but I didn’t say it as plainly as that. It has taken me days to actually be comfortable with saying it out loud, but she understands.
We sort of sat staring at each other for a while after my “confession,” and than she kissed me.
She KISSED ME!
I feel so fabulous and beautiful and wanted. She actually likes me back and is not freaked out. She said she didn’t want to say anything before but she has likes me for a long time. She smiled at me and than we kissed again. I’m so happy.
*****
After a day of stealing nervous-but-flirty glances at each other across tables and hallways, Ginny and I finally got some time to ourselves after class.
We went outside and sneaked around back to the greenhouses and made out for a while. Its not like me to go so quickly into a relationship and be so forward with my sexual desires, but its different with Ginny because we’ve wanted each other for so long, and as she says, “now that I’m out with everything all that time of us not being together is catching up to us.” I just call it sexual tension.
It feels good to kiss her, finally.
*****
It is finally the weekend, so Ginny and I went out to Hogsmeade and made out for a while behind one of the old buildings, a secret spot that she found the last time she was there. It was all very nice until one of the store owners came out back and caught us in a very compromising position, so we decided to go back to school while everyone was still out and let it suffice to say we had “plans” for the time we had alone.
*****
We went back to my dorm and put up a silencing charm around the bed, closed the curtains and went at it.
We started just really intense kissing, until she decided to slide her hands up my shirt and it all went from there. She’s so soft and kiss-able and that fire-y red hair drives me insane. I love running my fingers through it while she licks my chest and a number of other body parts. I like being with her so much…it makes me forget all the horrible things that have been in the past.
When we are both completely undressed it is the most wonderful sensation ever. Sex with her is so very satisfying. I no longer feel unwanted and unloved. With her tongue and her lips all over me and my mouth all over her, it makes for one delicious time.
And she does this fabulous tongue-fucking thing that drives me over the edge ever single fucking time. And she looks so damn beautiful doing it.
LOVELOVELOVE her.
*****
Today is the end of term. Ginny and I sat together at the feast, and I didn’t care that people were giving us funny looks or that certain people we not looking at us at all, because she is my world and that’s all I care about right now.
And although I won’t be seeing her for a while, I’m ok because I know that she loves me, and I love her, and that’s all that matters to me.
-Fin-
Isn't it fab? going to go post it on Fanfiction.net now.
Goodnight, m'dears!