(no subject)
wow. ages and ages since i've written anything. i always say that i should start writing in this thing again, and usually i will, but it never lasts long.
today felt like epic fail day. though some good things were accomplished like making cookies with the boys and planting a tiny flower garden with them by their jungle gym, i have felt miserable and tired all day long. i would love to lay in my bed all day, blankets over my head, and not have to talk to anyone. and as i write this, i feel a pang of guilt because i know i couldn't go more than a few hours without missing my boys terribly, but if i could just be with myself for a little while...
i have a little daydream in my head where i get a night off. i take my lap top, a pack of smokes, and rent a little room at one of the motels on the beach. i spend the evening writing continuously while listening to music, and then, i sleep in in the morning...wake up whenever i feel like, get a hot tea, and sit on the beach taking in the air. then i go home. i don't need a night out to party, or see people ( and really it wouldn't matter because i don't have people anymore ). i just want myself with no distractions like three year olds who want grilled cheese sandwhiches at 3am or 5 year old demanding to play the wii at 6am ( and then 15 minutes later whining because it's not working right ). just me. maybe if i did that i could find a way to like myself again. maybe.
today felt like epic fail day. though some good things were accomplished like making cookies with the boys and planting a tiny flower garden with them by their jungle gym, i have felt miserable and tired all day long. i would love to lay in my bed all day, blankets over my head, and not have to talk to anyone. and as i write this, i feel a pang of guilt because i know i couldn't go more than a few hours without missing my boys terribly, but if i could just be with myself for a little while...
i have a little daydream in my head where i get a night off. i take my lap top, a pack of smokes, and rent a little room at one of the motels on the beach. i spend the evening writing continuously while listening to music, and then, i sleep in in the morning...wake up whenever i feel like, get a hot tea, and sit on the beach taking in the air. then i go home. i don't need a night out to party, or see people ( and really it wouldn't matter because i don't have people anymore ). i just want myself with no distractions like three year olds who want grilled cheese sandwhiches at 3am or 5 year old demanding to play the wii at 6am ( and then 15 minutes later whining because it's not working right ). just me. maybe if i did that i could find a way to like myself again. maybe.