I'm falling, falling falling.......
My fucking heart aches when I'm around him and I can't make the only words that really matter come out even though conversation comes naturally to us. I tell him my whole life, well almost, I keep my darkest secrets and my deepest feelings safe for now. I'm slowing pulling my veils off, one by one I let them fall at my bare feet but that last one that will reveal me naked and exposed for his judgment isn't budging.
There's a fear and a longing and a confusion that steals the words from my lips. He's talking to me and I'm staring in his eyes contemplating the possible effects of making my feelings known. Is there a future in those brown eyes? I think the word that I can't even type here and my heart tears at the inside of my chest trying to break out of it's cage, rattling the bars of my ribs. How can this be possible? Two months ago I cursed the damn word that now carves its self into every tree in the forest of my soul. Daily surges of hormones and chemicals rock my body leaving my writhing in their wake. Could I possibly have my signals crossed? Is my wiring faulty?
I push the thoughts out of my head and get back to his words, his beautiful words that make me blush and bring tears to my eyes. He speaks directly to my soul, addressing it by name and it listens with rapt attention. It turns to me seeing I've become distracted by my own biology and shakes me back to reality once more. I've been contemplating what might happen if I crawled across the floor to him, what his lips taste like, what kind of lover he would be. I pass it off as hormones and curiosity that dates back seven years to high school and one un-seized moment. What might have happened had we taken the other road? These questions mean nothing now, we only have this present moment, and it appears to be a repeat of cold feet and indecision from the past.
I resign myself to only admit vague truths through still clothed words, the last veil just barely clinging to my skin. A selective omission I easily justify as necessary for the preservation of our friendship. A lie I tell myself so I can sleep at night even though the dreams wake me, mystified and wanting. Unrequited. But do I trust myself? How can I be relied upon to make rational decisions? In the matters of the male gender I have been known to fail terribly.
But suddenly I hear his voice and my heart leaps into my throat trying to make me say the words. My mind races, I can't do it. My heart pounds, I won't do it. Fuck...
There's a fear and a longing and a confusion that steals the words from my lips. He's talking to me and I'm staring in his eyes contemplating the possible effects of making my feelings known. Is there a future in those brown eyes? I think the word that I can't even type here and my heart tears at the inside of my chest trying to break out of it's cage, rattling the bars of my ribs. How can this be possible? Two months ago I cursed the damn word that now carves its self into every tree in the forest of my soul. Daily surges of hormones and chemicals rock my body leaving my writhing in their wake. Could I possibly have my signals crossed? Is my wiring faulty?
I push the thoughts out of my head and get back to his words, his beautiful words that make me blush and bring tears to my eyes. He speaks directly to my soul, addressing it by name and it listens with rapt attention. It turns to me seeing I've become distracted by my own biology and shakes me back to reality once more. I've been contemplating what might happen if I crawled across the floor to him, what his lips taste like, what kind of lover he would be. I pass it off as hormones and curiosity that dates back seven years to high school and one un-seized moment. What might have happened had we taken the other road? These questions mean nothing now, we only have this present moment, and it appears to be a repeat of cold feet and indecision from the past.
I resign myself to only admit vague truths through still clothed words, the last veil just barely clinging to my skin. A selective omission I easily justify as necessary for the preservation of our friendship. A lie I tell myself so I can sleep at night even though the dreams wake me, mystified and wanting. Unrequited. But do I trust myself? How can I be relied upon to make rational decisions? In the matters of the male gender I have been known to fail terribly.
But suddenly I hear his voice and my heart leaps into my throat trying to make me say the words. My mind races, I can't do it. My heart pounds, I won't do it. Fuck...