The Nine Lives of Kim Heechul (Part 2)
Title: The Nine Lives of Kim Heechul (Part 2)
Characters: Heechul-centric ,Kyuhyun, Leeteuk, Kangin, Donghae, Sungmin, Kibum
Pairings: KyuChul, cameo-Kangteuk
Rating: R
Genre: AU,Drama, Angst, Romance
Type: One-shot (or rather, long-shot) in two parts
Word Count: 5,289
Warning: Character death
Disclaimer: I own many things, but unfortunately Super Junior isn't one of them.
Summary:
Kim Heechul always thought himself as special. His good looks, of course, are undebatable. But that's not the only thing that makes him so. Sit back as the man himself takes you through the story of not only one, but nine of his lives; one in which he meets someone he didn’t quite thought was to die for, but literally, died for.
The Nine Lives of Kim Heechul (Part 2)
---
The very next night he comes back drunk again, face red as a beetroot with vomit stains on his best shirt. You nod a thank-you to Sungmin, his colleague from the university where he works as an assistant professor, and heave the dead-weight onto your own shoulders instead. The worried face reluctantly leaves after passing you his jacket and bowing, telling you to call him anytime if you need help with Kyuhyun-ssi.
“You know what, leave if you want to. I’m not going to stop you or get mad or anything. Just stop doing this crap. You’re only killing yourself.”
He looks at you through narrow, blood-shot eyes; sobering up against will after you force his head under the icy shower for a good ten seconds.
He sputters and coughs before writhing away, landing hard and wet on the bathroom floor. “Should I say the same to you, Kim Heechul?” A broken smile.
The shower head hangs limply from your hand after you turn it off, biting hard on your bottom lip.
“What are you saying? Get up.” You hold a hand towards him but he slaps it away.
“Ask yourself! Ask yourself, Kim Heechul! Ask yourself why I’m doing this, you white, long-haired cat! I don’t even like cats that much. Damn it really!”
“Shut up and sober up, you idiot! Stop drinking like this! When I introduced you to alcohol I didn’t mean for you to get drunk every night. You’re blabbing like an idiot now!”
“Me? Drunk? Blabbing? Stop telling me what I shouldn’t do! Well why don’t you tell me what to do instead? Tell me what to do other than work and drink myself numb while you’re about to just die and leave me alone any day now! I’m sorry but I can’t sit around and watch you throw your life away like that, like…like there’s nothing wrong!”
“What do you want from me then, huh? Sit at home and not do anything? Go back in time to stop whoever upstairs from giving me nine lives? I didn’t ask for this to happen! People die all the time!”
“Doesn’t mean you can just go and jump at it all the time!”
“You git, I thought you understood me.”
“I thought I did. But I’m not too sure now.”
You hurl the shower head against the wall and suddenly freezing cold water sprays from everywhere in the confined space. In the blur your instinct was to block your face but suddenly something hard hits the side of it that sends your head spinning. The sting from it was nothing compared to the utmost horror in your mind when you realize that he had just hit you in the face. In the face, in your face.
“Did you just hit my face?!”
You scream at him because of the absurdity of it; two grown men fighting in a constrained toilet with a broken shower spraying water all over place.
“Oh my God, Oh my God…I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-“
You didn’t know how everything was dark suddenly until you realize your eyes were closed. Opening them took a milestone to reach and when you finally did a sharp pain shot from the side of your head. He is sobbing hard now and you are somehow lying in his arms, both of you wet from head to toe; the stupid broken shower was still broken and stupid. And he’s still sobbing like a blockhead and then you peer downwards. The flowing water on the floor had a tinge of…red? Something was obviously wrong other than the broken shower.
“W-what just happened?” You try to sit up but he doesn’t let you, pushing you down immediately.
“No, no, don’t move, please. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I w-was drunk and so angry...I didn’t mean to hit you, and…and you fell…your head…the sink…no, I’m sorry, it’s all my fault!”
You blink as the water tainted with a metallic tang reaches your tongue, slowly absorbing what he had just murmured in the midst of the spraying water.
“Let’s get out of here, Kyu. My bone marrow cannot make up for the blood at the rate I’m losing them if we continue to sit here in the bathroom.”
His eyes widened with fear and confusion snaps back to reality suddenly as he helps you up, breaths coming out as short, quick gasps. Your head was starting to hurt really badly as the two of you shuffle out like two big sacks of potatoes. Leeteuk and Kangin’s voices reach your ears just in time as the two of you were just about to reach your bedroom door.
“Heechul! What just happened?”
The sight of the both of you dripping wet and a bloodstained towel badly wrapped around your forehead had cut Leeteuk’s out-of-the-world, high-pitched laugh short as the two of them rush in to help him heave you into the room. Darkness and light alternated efficiently in front of your eyes in a blur as Leeteuk help bandage up your head and some other person whom you hope is Kyuhyun help change away the cold, clammy clothes on your body. He is the only person you allowed to see the multiple scars you’ve collected over the years. Sure, you trust the other two too, but you find no reason to show them your body without clothes on.
“I asked you to talk to him, not lose another life in the process.”
“Already did,” you mutter under your breath as he secures the bandage rather tightly for the last time. He steals a sneaky glance to the side and you know what he’s thinking. “Entirely my fault, hyung, not his,” you whisper hoarsely.
“Okay, I’m done putting his PJ pants on.” A voice delightfully announces and your eyes widen in horror when you realize it was Kangin. He pulls Leeteuk away out of the room with a grin as you nod a thank-you to the both of them in a rather disgruntled manner.
“Come over here, Kyu.”
But he doesn’t. He just stands there against the wall, shaking, shirt still wet and sticking to his chest. You would admit it’s quite a nice sight if it wasn’t for the tension in the air.
“I said come here, please.”
He shuffles over slowly but doesn’t sit down beside you, just standing beside the bed like you are a terminally-ill cancer patient. You can’t even begin to describe how much you hate that before you just grab his hand and pull him down to sit where you want him to; right beside you.
“I know you didn’t mean it.”
“I-I…” He doesn’t look at you as he stutters incoherently, a sneeze squeezing out from his mouth suddenly. You crawl out of bed as he rubs his nose in frustration.
“Where are you going? Y-you shouldn’t be moving…”
“You’re not sleeping here tonight if you catch a cold, got it?”
You fumble over to the closet and blindly grab for a shirt and boxers and throw it to him, unknowingly picking a pink one. “Sorry, I know pink’s not your colour.”
He shakes his head slowly and puts it on obediently like a child. You know it’s the wrong shade of pink because it was too pale and it made his pale face look even sicker and you hate that even more.
“Kyu, we need to talk about this, alright?” You begin after taking a deep breath.
“I don’t want you doing all those crazy things you might lose another life at. I don’t want you acting as if you’re alright about it and everything. I don’t care if you have nine lives or shit. I just don’t want you dead…and leaving me here alone.”
You blink back in surprise at the flow of words. If it they were spoken out earlier you wouldn’t have lost another one. And then it just dawns on you.
It was the eighth one.
But you can’t tell him that; not now. As if he isn’t broken enough.
“Okay,” you whisper. “Okay, I know now. I’m sorry my actions hurt you. I won’t do it again.”
“What?”
“But I want you to be clear about this. There is no other way around it but to accept. Trust me when I say I’ve tried everything I could to fight it. I’ve tried avoiding it like a plague, holed up at home for months or just being angry. But none of those worked. What works the most is living it to the fullest. Short as they may be, but in each of my life before I lose them I make sure I do what I want. I know I do stupid and crazy things sometimes but it’s the only way I feel alive. And then you came along and it made me realize how much life you’ve given me too. I don’t expect you to stay ‘til the end, but if you can, I’m only asking you to live with me whatever life I have remaining.”
By now his tears are falling again and making big splotches of dark pink on your shirt he is wearing. You didn’t mean for him to cry but those words really came from the deepest bottom of whatever you’re made of. He finally nods after what felt like eternity and you’re surprised you are still awake when it happens. After all you feel like you’ve already lost your head to the ceiling since they carried you to the bed.
“You clear about this now?”
“I’m sorry.”
And that’s all he mutters while nodding, moist eyes still avoiding yours.
“Well, you better be. You’re going to pay for my plastic surgery if it leaves a scar.”
A small smile escapes his lips and suddenly the world is a brighter place; last life or not.
---
You love him -although the words never slip through your lips or his- and you know he does too when he just collapses on your chest at night and falls asleep unexpectedly within seconds. But then again there are nights when he stirs and sits up abruptly, hand running through his messy hair slowly.
This is one of those nights.
“What’s up with you?”
“I can’t sleep.”
“Aish, you want me to sing a lullaby for you? What are you, five?”
“If you can I wouldn’t say no. But that’s not it…”
“Kyuhyun-ah, what is it then seriously?”
“…I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep knowing the possibility I might wake up and you’re not there anymore. I can’t sleep knowing that one day all that’s left here is me on this old bed, without you. I can’t-“
You start singing your favourite rock song because you can’t stand him talking this way, starting with a soft hum before you start to get the rhythm right and then filling in mindless little words from your head because you don’t remember the lyrics. He heaves a sigh and slumps backwards like deadweight, sounding so much better than you (in your opinion) with the correct lyrics.
“How come you know the lyrics? Is this why my CDs are out of the shelves these days?”
In the dark you don’t see it, but you can almost hear the cheeky grin you fell in love with years ago before the both of you finally drift away, your arm as his pillow.
“I learn from the best, Heenim.”
---
This is it then?
You’re now just an average person now; any chance of anything going wrong and you might just really die for real. For all those years you strived not to be swallowed by the society, you are now just like any other person out there and it kind of irks you. Somehow the only person that understands you fully is Heebum, curling in your lap in the evenings while you just space out at nothing.
Last life?
You stare into the mirror one really late night while everyone else is still asleep (everyone’s just happily drunk after a few good bottles of soju going round the four of you) fingers running through yet another new hairstyle you’re rocking -although it is slightly more messed up than intentional, thanks to Kyuhyun- suddenly you feel a little tired for no particular reason. You don’t remember your alcohol tolerance being so lousy.
You know you shouldn’t be surprised, or shocked, or afraid because you’ve already done that eight times before. It was quite a record really. Since the last time you nearly died life was much more quiet but enjoyable than before. You might even describe it as ‘pleasant’ or ‘peaceful’ or even ‘fun’ because he finally lets go of his worries and lets you live the way you want to, together, albeit rather reluctantly.
Whether it was just a small barbeque party with close friends or just falling asleep on each others’ shoulders at the back of the bus occasionally or even just playing Starcraft together, the memories are coagulating slowly over time in your minds; etched like words onto stone. And you sleep really well most of the nights now with him close to you; knowing that these precious memories are what you’re bringing along with you when you finally leave this world.
So what is strange feeling lugging in you in the middle of this one night when you’re alone?
You shuffle back into bed in the dark and lie next to him, one hand propped up to support your head.
“Kyu-ah? Are you asleep? KimKyu? GaemKyu? EvilKyu? MaknaeKyu? DancingKyu?”
He groans from beneath the covers and your signature evil smirk curves one side of your lips. This is definitely one of those things you would miss the most.
---
One fine spring night you drag him all the way to the top of a hill nearby; to the secret spot the two of you had discovered one summer night before, filled with patches of warm grass to lie on, the perfect spot for watching the stars and the moon. Sounds of crickets and other unidentified animals filled the air and it smelled so fresh and natural. It was probably your favourite place in the whole wide world. And there you would lie down on the soft terrain; head resting comfortably under crossed arms while he sings with that beautiful, gifted voice of his.
“Sing me that new F(x) song, won’t you?”
“I don’t understand how obsessed you can get with girl groups.”
“You don’t have to. Just sing it, alright?”
And then he does and you close your eyes under the starry,starry sky while he lies close to you, sharing his body warmth. The breeze is just nice; a little warm and cool. You lift a hand and place it right over his adam’s apple, enjoying the vibration from it as he sings ever so gently even to a fast number. You can’t help but feel a little thankful as your mind flashes back to a faraway memory from a long time ago.
---
You were about eleven.
It was the first time you’ve ever attended a funeral in your entire life. You didn’t understand what the big deal was with all the black clothes and solemn faces but you haven’t been out of the house for the longest time so you’re basically just looking for a good trip. Dying’s not really a big deal in your eyes.
It was someone from the place your father worked, a Mr Lee, who had apparently died of a heart attack quite suddenly. He had a young son, about a few years younger than you were according to your mother, but you didn’t realize you were sitting next to him before he whispers in your ears suddenly; an innocent-looking boy who was about a foot shorter than you were.
“Hi, my name is Lee Donghae and I love fishes.”
“My name is Kim Heechul and my mother forces me to eat them for the protein.”
“My daddy’s sleeping in there, hyung. I don’t know why everyone’s here to see him sleep. Why can’t he just sleep at home?”
You shake your head quietly and look at his thoroughly confused face. His face was round and his dark chocolate eyes were even rounder, hair neatly combed back for the service. His mother was in front of the open coffin; too busy talking to the pastor about arrangements to notice her young son wondering off to sit with someone else at the guest benches.
“Your daddy can’t sleep in your house anymore. He’s a big man now so it’s time for him to move on to the next stage. He’ll be sleeping in Heaven from now on but don’t worry because he won’t catch a cold or get bored. There are cats in Heaven and they take real good care of people who go there. So they’ll take care of your daddy too.”
His beady round eyes light up suddenly as you turn your head back to the front smugly. At least that’s what you think anyway. You still don’t quite understand Heebum’s explanation.
“Really? They’ll take care of him?”
You nod once and try to stop paying attention to him because you didn’t want to take care of small, snot-faced kids like him although you had to admit that he was probably one of the cutest things you’ve ever seen.
“Do they have fishes in Heaven, hyung? Can Daddy play with them there?”
“They have everything there, Fishy. Everything you want.”
A small grin plays on his face as you grab his small chubby fingers; the service was about to start.
---
You nudge him in the rib slightly. “Hey, who told you to change the song? Sing my F(x) song again.”
“What? I thought you’ve fallen asleep.”
“ ‘Course not. I have plenty of time to sleep later.”
“You don’t know that,” he says quietly. And you know you had just said the wrong thing.
“Fine. Sing what you want for a change. You sort of destroy the awesomeness in my kind of songs anyway.”
He turns to you and rolls his eyes but you ignore him with a happy smile on your face, quietly counting the bright stars above.
You wonder for real where you would go when you finally leave this world behind. Your voice from that memory echoes in your head: Heaven. You wonder what happened to Donghae, that cute little dongsaeng now; hoping that he’s happy no matter what he is doing.
But then again Heebum said that there’s no Heaven and yet little Kibum was where he seemed happiest, doing what he likes. You begin to doubt your own words now. How can Heaven have everything you want? Because all you ever want is right here beside you, humming a beautiful tune mindlessly, one hand behind his head with sleepiness seeping through heavy eyelids.
How you wish you can pick out every single detail of this night, freeze them and keep them in little bottles… and bring them along wherever you go.
He’s everything you want but how can he be in Heaven too? And that selfish thought you just had pops like a bubble that instant. He still has so much ahead of him. He doesn’t have to go like you do.
And suddenly you ask yourself, heart sinking at the thought…How do you learn to let go?
“Promise you won’t forget.” He says out of the blue.
“Forget what?”
“Us.”
“Stop being so cheesy.”
“I’m serious. You know I hate it too.”
“Not forgetting isn’t going to solve anything.”
“I’m not saying it will.”
“Fine. I promise I won’t. Unless I forget myself too.
And then he snuggles in closer and the both of you just lay there under the sky that night without another word. It’s his turn to count the stars this time. You close your eyes but are careful not to fall asleep; wishing you could make time stop right here in this moment forever.
---
The day your lucky strike finally ends was totally different from how you had pictured it.
Your head hurt like it never felt pain before. You try to open your eyes but you don’t know the difference because everything around you is still as dark as ever. Inside of you panic is creeping in slowly; like how time flies without you knowing. Your mind, however, is still blank; incapable of processing even a simple thought. Your mouth has never felt drier than before yet you feel something fluid leaking from its corners.
Something in your mind clicks but you still don’t understand. Colours begin to flash in front of your eyes in a whirling motion as you watch, a myriad of images starting to take form as the bright lights start to hurt your eyes.
You remember being in a car and the sound of rain pelting mindlessly against the window. There was this new song playing on the radio that reminded you so much of your past memories. It was a happy feeling. And then a really, really annoying bright flash of light right there in front of your eyes, threatening to rob you of your sight if you don’t squeeze your eyes hard enough. And then suddenly you’re turning, turning, and turning like a really bad theme park ride.
And then everything stopped and here you are.
So here it is then. The bright colours stopped as abruptly as they came, replaced with a fuzzy dark shade of nothingness, as empty as the way you’re feeling now. So here’s how you finally meet your end, after everything you’ve been through in all the lives you had, this is how everything ends. A little more unspectacular than you have expected… but still, you should’ve seen it coming. It did end with a bang anyway, no pun intended.
Too soon…
But any time is too soon, because the days with people you love are too precious to waste. Too soon, and yet there’s no stopping to it. Their faces play in your empty mind like scenes from an old movie, both nostalgic and heart-breaking at the same time.
Jungsoo-hyung…Youngwoon-ah... Thank you for believing in me.
If you still could, you would have just closed your eyes and let it take you away, regretting nothing.
It’s funny how you don’t feel anything anymore but yet you can still hear your own thoughts, which…didn’t feel right. No bright light at the end of tunnel? No strange voice echoing from above? Dying for real sure seems strange, so different from before. Isn’t this the ninth time?
But then panic comes crashing like waves again as the feeling like you are actually capable of movement slowly uncovers itself.
But if you’re still here, it would mean...
And that’s when the whirling images came rushing again.
Someone was laughing and you were singing together to a tune on the radio. There was a gentle pressure on your hand like someone else’s was wrapped around it. Someone else was there…someone….someone important…
“My name is Cho Kyuhyun. Can I have yours?”
In the midst of the sinking feeling you try to move; any part of your body will do. Inside your head you’re screaming the loudest you can but it doesn’t escape your mouth. A finger moves first and suddenly your body regains its sense again.
“Let’s go, I’ll teach you how to play Starcraft.”
No wonder it feels so odd; a gasp escapes your mouth along with some metallic liquid dripping down your face as you realize you’re still in your car seat, only thing is that you’re being suspended upside down from it, the side of your face resting uncomfortably against shards of glass from the broken windshield. Pain shoots from all directions within you but you’ve trained well to deal with them. The pain from your heart, however, is a totally different matter.
“Ask yourself! Ask yourself, Kim Heechul! Ask yourself why I’m doing this!”
You try to move other parts of your body but realize you’re stuck somewhere downwards where your legs ought to be. You try to lift your head away from the glass puzzle beneath you, wondering how many pieces are left embedded in your face while chasing away worries about what ugly scars they will leave. Every part of you is just screaming and protesting but you know you can’t stop, not now. The panic that had been creeping at the beginning starts to coarse through every possible part of your body and soul like wildfire; motivating you to struggle a little faster. If you don’t hurry, then you won’t make it. If your worst fear is coming true then…
“You shouldn’t have wasted one on me.”
After a few agonizing moments you’re finally free but then that’s when the horrible pungent smell and somehow loud and intrusive dripping sound of petrol fills your senses. It just didn’t fit with the quiet and peaceful night underneath the dark sky.
“You’re special…so special…and beautiful…I don’t know how…”
His first and favourite car is more than a wreck, you realize as you crawl out; pain radiating more from inside than anywhere else like a thousand paper cuts, but your leg was definitely killing you more than it should. His smiling face keeps you going but it is ripped into a thousand pieces and then replaced with a mangled figure lying a few feet away from where you’re staggering from pain, the ground still wet from the rain.
“Shut up. I can’t kiss your lips if you don’t stop blabbing and giggling like a girl.”
Even as you scream with all your heart, you can’t mute the sounds of the devastating crash that begin to roll back into your ears; every beat loud and clear as if to make sure you heard it. Your eyes are clammed shut as your hands hover shakily over his bloodied body, refusing to see how broken the boy is; how broken you’ve made him.
“I learn from the best, Heenim.”
Like a glass doll, you hold him in your arms and ever so carelessly you let him slip and now he is broken, so broken. Every part of him is broken; his handsome face, his limbs, his ribs… his beautiful heart.
His breath.
“Let’s go somewhere quiet…take a drive…just the two of us…”
And there is nothing you can do to fix him anymore. Because unlike you there’s no second chance for him, and he deserved it so much more than you.
“You’re selfish…And arrogant. And you love yourself way too much to let anything tie you down. Lucky for us, I am way too much like you.”
You can’t even make out his sickly-pale face because of all the crimson flowing…still flowing and staining your clothes as you finally hold him in your bruised hands; the beautiful colour of life…draining every hint of life from him and mixing in with yours…into a mess; everything is a mess now.
“How come the two of us are so bad at expressing ourselves?”
This isn’t how it was supposed to be.
It shouldn’t be him. It should have been you. It was your time to go, not his, never his. But then why do this? You were prepared to go, prepared to let go, prepared to leave everything behind…prepared for everything.
“…But let me live, Kyu. Let me do what I want…while I can.”
Except this.
Anything but this.
He feels like nothing in your arms and you feel nothing but emptiness in your heart. Like a wisp in the air, everything will be blown over. There is nothing left inside of you; hollow wouldn’t even come close. There is no pain anymore and this is the worst thing imaginable because then there is really nothing left inside. Your body and soul is as broken as his, maybe even a little bit more. He is gone but here you are still.
For all your life you’ve prepared to leave, but never once are you prepared for that someone to go.
“Promise you won’t forget.”
Everything finally explodes along with the car; all the turmoil of emotions. Hatred, love, regret, pain… everything.
And yet you can’t hear a thing. Everything else goes up in flames like your heart and spits debris everywhere; every painful memory, every kiss, every laugh…every single detail. Your body feels numb and yet the pain that comes back is excruciating as you hold him close for the last time. The orange flames are reflected onto shards of glass and debris surrounding the two of you, licking up everything it touches. You pick one particular piece up in one cold hand and shudder.
You’re aching from all over…so tired, so tired.
If Death won’t come to you, then you will go to Death.
“Heechul.”
The shard of glass in your hand slips from it and shatters into a million pieces, taking you along with it. Everything surrounding you starts to dissolve suddenly but in slow motion. Even as you struggle to hold on to his lifeless form, he too, is gone…slipping through your fingers like the glass, like life. Even nine lives aren’t enough to feel and live through what you had with him.
And then you drift into sleep like never before; not a single thing heaving in your chest.
---
“Heechul.”
You stir from the stupor you would rather not but it is your name and when it’s called out, you can’t ignore it. Even just a peek through your eyelids, the lights felt too bright. You squint through the light and see a figure standing before you, head bowed to take a good look at you.
“Do I know you?”
It’s strange; you’ve never seen this person in your life before. Why should he be the first person you meet here…whatever this place is.
“Used to. You took really good care of me even back then. Helped me onto the swing even though you pretended to be annoyed.”
“Swing?” You got up from the surface you were laying on moments ago and everything has never felt odder. Even now as you looked around, there is really nothing in the surroundings; everything not even looking solid at all. Not even the floor, and yet you’re still standing on something.
“I’m Kibummie, remember?” He says without looking at you as he starts to walk away, but you could see him smiling and something sparks inside you. A memory…from a long time ago.
“Kibum?”
He nods and you recognise those pillow cheeks right away; although you’ve got to admit he’s really looking grown up from the time you last saw him, which was when he was only a small kid. He continues his pace without turning back, walking towards nothing, it seems.
“Wait up…! Where am I?” You start to run towards him.
“Some people call it Heaven. But you can call it anything you want, because it isn’t quite anything.”
“No, but I don’t want to be here. I’m tired, so tired of everything. I don’t want to be anywhere.” You stop in your tracks and watch as he slows down too.
“Don’t be afraid, hyung,” he smiles that shy smile you miss seeing all these years.” They have everything here, hyung. Everything you want.” His hand motions to open an invisible door.
A loud meow ensues and Kibum is suddenly gone. Heebum is suddenly lying affectionately at your feet, along with all the cats you’ve received and given away all the years because you couldn’t afford to keep another one. Baengshin…Champagne…you sure missed them. But what’s behind the door?
You reach for the door curiously although you can’t see it, pushing through ever so quietly.
“Hello, Heenim. Remember me?”
You smirk at the familiar face before entering.
“Unless I forget myself.”
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A/N : FINALLY POSTED THIS!! LJ really hates me. Took me 2 days just to arrange everything here. Pretty please, comment? <3
Characters: Heechul-centric ,Kyuhyun, Leeteuk, Kangin, Donghae, Sungmin, Kibum
Pairings: KyuChul, cameo-Kangteuk
Rating: R
Genre: AU,Drama, Angst, Romance
Type: One-shot (or rather, long-shot) in two parts
Word Count: 5,289
Warning: Character death
Disclaimer: I own many things, but unfortunately Super Junior isn't one of them.
Summary:
Kim Heechul always thought himself as special. His good looks, of course, are undebatable. But that's not the only thing that makes him so. Sit back as the man himself takes you through the story of not only one, but nine of his lives; one in which he meets someone he didn’t quite thought was to die for, but literally, died for.
The Nine Lives of Kim Heechul (Part 2)
---
The very next night he comes back drunk again, face red as a beetroot with vomit stains on his best shirt. You nod a thank-you to Sungmin, his colleague from the university where he works as an assistant professor, and heave the dead-weight onto your own shoulders instead. The worried face reluctantly leaves after passing you his jacket and bowing, telling you to call him anytime if you need help with Kyuhyun-ssi.
“You know what, leave if you want to. I’m not going to stop you or get mad or anything. Just stop doing this crap. You’re only killing yourself.”
He looks at you through narrow, blood-shot eyes; sobering up against will after you force his head under the icy shower for a good ten seconds.
He sputters and coughs before writhing away, landing hard and wet on the bathroom floor. “Should I say the same to you, Kim Heechul?” A broken smile.
The shower head hangs limply from your hand after you turn it off, biting hard on your bottom lip.
“What are you saying? Get up.” You hold a hand towards him but he slaps it away.
“Ask yourself! Ask yourself, Kim Heechul! Ask yourself why I’m doing this, you white, long-haired cat! I don’t even like cats that much. Damn it really!”
“Shut up and sober up, you idiot! Stop drinking like this! When I introduced you to alcohol I didn’t mean for you to get drunk every night. You’re blabbing like an idiot now!”
“Me? Drunk? Blabbing? Stop telling me what I shouldn’t do! Well why don’t you tell me what to do instead? Tell me what to do other than work and drink myself numb while you’re about to just die and leave me alone any day now! I’m sorry but I can’t sit around and watch you throw your life away like that, like…like there’s nothing wrong!”
“What do you want from me then, huh? Sit at home and not do anything? Go back in time to stop whoever upstairs from giving me nine lives? I didn’t ask for this to happen! People die all the time!”
“Doesn’t mean you can just go and jump at it all the time!”
“You git, I thought you understood me.”
“I thought I did. But I’m not too sure now.”
You hurl the shower head against the wall and suddenly freezing cold water sprays from everywhere in the confined space. In the blur your instinct was to block your face but suddenly something hard hits the side of it that sends your head spinning. The sting from it was nothing compared to the utmost horror in your mind when you realize that he had just hit you in the face. In the face, in your face.
“Did you just hit my face?!”
You scream at him because of the absurdity of it; two grown men fighting in a constrained toilet with a broken shower spraying water all over place.
“Oh my God, Oh my God…I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-“
You didn’t know how everything was dark suddenly until you realize your eyes were closed. Opening them took a milestone to reach and when you finally did a sharp pain shot from the side of your head. He is sobbing hard now and you are somehow lying in his arms, both of you wet from head to toe; the stupid broken shower was still broken and stupid. And he’s still sobbing like a blockhead and then you peer downwards. The flowing water on the floor had a tinge of…red? Something was obviously wrong other than the broken shower.
“W-what just happened?” You try to sit up but he doesn’t let you, pushing you down immediately.
“No, no, don’t move, please. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I w-was drunk and so angry...I didn’t mean to hit you, and…and you fell…your head…the sink…no, I’m sorry, it’s all my fault!”
You blink as the water tainted with a metallic tang reaches your tongue, slowly absorbing what he had just murmured in the midst of the spraying water.
“Let’s get out of here, Kyu. My bone marrow cannot make up for the blood at the rate I’m losing them if we continue to sit here in the bathroom.”
His eyes widened with fear and confusion snaps back to reality suddenly as he helps you up, breaths coming out as short, quick gasps. Your head was starting to hurt really badly as the two of you shuffle out like two big sacks of potatoes. Leeteuk and Kangin’s voices reach your ears just in time as the two of you were just about to reach your bedroom door.
“Heechul! What just happened?”
The sight of the both of you dripping wet and a bloodstained towel badly wrapped around your forehead had cut Leeteuk’s out-of-the-world, high-pitched laugh short as the two of them rush in to help him heave you into the room. Darkness and light alternated efficiently in front of your eyes in a blur as Leeteuk help bandage up your head and some other person whom you hope is Kyuhyun help change away the cold, clammy clothes on your body. He is the only person you allowed to see the multiple scars you’ve collected over the years. Sure, you trust the other two too, but you find no reason to show them your body without clothes on.
“I asked you to talk to him, not lose another life in the process.”
“Already did,” you mutter under your breath as he secures the bandage rather tightly for the last time. He steals a sneaky glance to the side and you know what he’s thinking. “Entirely my fault, hyung, not his,” you whisper hoarsely.
“Okay, I’m done putting his PJ pants on.” A voice delightfully announces and your eyes widen in horror when you realize it was Kangin. He pulls Leeteuk away out of the room with a grin as you nod a thank-you to the both of them in a rather disgruntled manner.
“Come over here, Kyu.”
But he doesn’t. He just stands there against the wall, shaking, shirt still wet and sticking to his chest. You would admit it’s quite a nice sight if it wasn’t for the tension in the air.
“I said come here, please.”
He shuffles over slowly but doesn’t sit down beside you, just standing beside the bed like you are a terminally-ill cancer patient. You can’t even begin to describe how much you hate that before you just grab his hand and pull him down to sit where you want him to; right beside you.
“I know you didn’t mean it.”
“I-I…” He doesn’t look at you as he stutters incoherently, a sneeze squeezing out from his mouth suddenly. You crawl out of bed as he rubs his nose in frustration.
“Where are you going? Y-you shouldn’t be moving…”
“You’re not sleeping here tonight if you catch a cold, got it?”
You fumble over to the closet and blindly grab for a shirt and boxers and throw it to him, unknowingly picking a pink one. “Sorry, I know pink’s not your colour.”
He shakes his head slowly and puts it on obediently like a child. You know it’s the wrong shade of pink because it was too pale and it made his pale face look even sicker and you hate that even more.
“Kyu, we need to talk about this, alright?” You begin after taking a deep breath.
“I don’t want you doing all those crazy things you might lose another life at. I don’t want you acting as if you’re alright about it and everything. I don’t care if you have nine lives or shit. I just don’t want you dead…and leaving me here alone.”
You blink back in surprise at the flow of words. If it they were spoken out earlier you wouldn’t have lost another one. And then it just dawns on you.
It was the eighth one.
But you can’t tell him that; not now. As if he isn’t broken enough.
“Okay,” you whisper. “Okay, I know now. I’m sorry my actions hurt you. I won’t do it again.”
“What?”
“But I want you to be clear about this. There is no other way around it but to accept. Trust me when I say I’ve tried everything I could to fight it. I’ve tried avoiding it like a plague, holed up at home for months or just being angry. But none of those worked. What works the most is living it to the fullest. Short as they may be, but in each of my life before I lose them I make sure I do what I want. I know I do stupid and crazy things sometimes but it’s the only way I feel alive. And then you came along and it made me realize how much life you’ve given me too. I don’t expect you to stay ‘til the end, but if you can, I’m only asking you to live with me whatever life I have remaining.”
By now his tears are falling again and making big splotches of dark pink on your shirt he is wearing. You didn’t mean for him to cry but those words really came from the deepest bottom of whatever you’re made of. He finally nods after what felt like eternity and you’re surprised you are still awake when it happens. After all you feel like you’ve already lost your head to the ceiling since they carried you to the bed.
“You clear about this now?”
“I’m sorry.”
And that’s all he mutters while nodding, moist eyes still avoiding yours.
“Well, you better be. You’re going to pay for my plastic surgery if it leaves a scar.”
A small smile escapes his lips and suddenly the world is a brighter place; last life or not.
---
You love him -although the words never slip through your lips or his- and you know he does too when he just collapses on your chest at night and falls asleep unexpectedly within seconds. But then again there are nights when he stirs and sits up abruptly, hand running through his messy hair slowly.
This is one of those nights.
“What’s up with you?”
“I can’t sleep.”
“Aish, you want me to sing a lullaby for you? What are you, five?”
“If you can I wouldn’t say no. But that’s not it…”
“Kyuhyun-ah, what is it then seriously?”
“…I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep knowing the possibility I might wake up and you’re not there anymore. I can’t sleep knowing that one day all that’s left here is me on this old bed, without you. I can’t-“
You start singing your favourite rock song because you can’t stand him talking this way, starting with a soft hum before you start to get the rhythm right and then filling in mindless little words from your head because you don’t remember the lyrics. He heaves a sigh and slumps backwards like deadweight, sounding so much better than you (in your opinion) with the correct lyrics.
“How come you know the lyrics? Is this why my CDs are out of the shelves these days?”
In the dark you don’t see it, but you can almost hear the cheeky grin you fell in love with years ago before the both of you finally drift away, your arm as his pillow.
“I learn from the best, Heenim.”
---
This is it then?
You’re now just an average person now; any chance of anything going wrong and you might just really die for real. For all those years you strived not to be swallowed by the society, you are now just like any other person out there and it kind of irks you. Somehow the only person that understands you fully is Heebum, curling in your lap in the evenings while you just space out at nothing.
Last life?
You stare into the mirror one really late night while everyone else is still asleep (everyone’s just happily drunk after a few good bottles of soju going round the four of you) fingers running through yet another new hairstyle you’re rocking -although it is slightly more messed up than intentional, thanks to Kyuhyun- suddenly you feel a little tired for no particular reason. You don’t remember your alcohol tolerance being so lousy.
You know you shouldn’t be surprised, or shocked, or afraid because you’ve already done that eight times before. It was quite a record really. Since the last time you nearly died life was much more quiet but enjoyable than before. You might even describe it as ‘pleasant’ or ‘peaceful’ or even ‘fun’ because he finally lets go of his worries and lets you live the way you want to, together, albeit rather reluctantly.
Whether it was just a small barbeque party with close friends or just falling asleep on each others’ shoulders at the back of the bus occasionally or even just playing Starcraft together, the memories are coagulating slowly over time in your minds; etched like words onto stone. And you sleep really well most of the nights now with him close to you; knowing that these precious memories are what you’re bringing along with you when you finally leave this world.
So what is strange feeling lugging in you in the middle of this one night when you’re alone?
You shuffle back into bed in the dark and lie next to him, one hand propped up to support your head.
“Kyu-ah? Are you asleep? KimKyu? GaemKyu? EvilKyu? MaknaeKyu? DancingKyu?”
He groans from beneath the covers and your signature evil smirk curves one side of your lips. This is definitely one of those things you would miss the most.
---
One fine spring night you drag him all the way to the top of a hill nearby; to the secret spot the two of you had discovered one summer night before, filled with patches of warm grass to lie on, the perfect spot for watching the stars and the moon. Sounds of crickets and other unidentified animals filled the air and it smelled so fresh and natural. It was probably your favourite place in the whole wide world. And there you would lie down on the soft terrain; head resting comfortably under crossed arms while he sings with that beautiful, gifted voice of his.
“Sing me that new F(x) song, won’t you?”
“I don’t understand how obsessed you can get with girl groups.”
“You don’t have to. Just sing it, alright?”
And then he does and you close your eyes under the starry,starry sky while he lies close to you, sharing his body warmth. The breeze is just nice; a little warm and cool. You lift a hand and place it right over his adam’s apple, enjoying the vibration from it as he sings ever so gently even to a fast number. You can’t help but feel a little thankful as your mind flashes back to a faraway memory from a long time ago.
---
You were about eleven.
It was the first time you’ve ever attended a funeral in your entire life. You didn’t understand what the big deal was with all the black clothes and solemn faces but you haven’t been out of the house for the longest time so you’re basically just looking for a good trip. Dying’s not really a big deal in your eyes.
It was someone from the place your father worked, a Mr Lee, who had apparently died of a heart attack quite suddenly. He had a young son, about a few years younger than you were according to your mother, but you didn’t realize you were sitting next to him before he whispers in your ears suddenly; an innocent-looking boy who was about a foot shorter than you were.
“Hi, my name is Lee Donghae and I love fishes.”
“My name is Kim Heechul and my mother forces me to eat them for the protein.”
“My daddy’s sleeping in there, hyung. I don’t know why everyone’s here to see him sleep. Why can’t he just sleep at home?”
You shake your head quietly and look at his thoroughly confused face. His face was round and his dark chocolate eyes were even rounder, hair neatly combed back for the service. His mother was in front of the open coffin; too busy talking to the pastor about arrangements to notice her young son wondering off to sit with someone else at the guest benches.
“Your daddy can’t sleep in your house anymore. He’s a big man now so it’s time for him to move on to the next stage. He’ll be sleeping in Heaven from now on but don’t worry because he won’t catch a cold or get bored. There are cats in Heaven and they take real good care of people who go there. So they’ll take care of your daddy too.”
His beady round eyes light up suddenly as you turn your head back to the front smugly. At least that’s what you think anyway. You still don’t quite understand Heebum’s explanation.
“Really? They’ll take care of him?”
You nod once and try to stop paying attention to him because you didn’t want to take care of small, snot-faced kids like him although you had to admit that he was probably one of the cutest things you’ve ever seen.
“Do they have fishes in Heaven, hyung? Can Daddy play with them there?”
“They have everything there, Fishy. Everything you want.”
A small grin plays on his face as you grab his small chubby fingers; the service was about to start.
---
You nudge him in the rib slightly. “Hey, who told you to change the song? Sing my F(x) song again.”
“What? I thought you’ve fallen asleep.”
“ ‘Course not. I have plenty of time to sleep later.”
“You don’t know that,” he says quietly. And you know you had just said the wrong thing.
“Fine. Sing what you want for a change. You sort of destroy the awesomeness in my kind of songs anyway.”
He turns to you and rolls his eyes but you ignore him with a happy smile on your face, quietly counting the bright stars above.
You wonder for real where you would go when you finally leave this world behind. Your voice from that memory echoes in your head: Heaven. You wonder what happened to Donghae, that cute little dongsaeng now; hoping that he’s happy no matter what he is doing.
But then again Heebum said that there’s no Heaven and yet little Kibum was where he seemed happiest, doing what he likes. You begin to doubt your own words now. How can Heaven have everything you want? Because all you ever want is right here beside you, humming a beautiful tune mindlessly, one hand behind his head with sleepiness seeping through heavy eyelids.
How you wish you can pick out every single detail of this night, freeze them and keep them in little bottles… and bring them along wherever you go.
He’s everything you want but how can he be in Heaven too? And that selfish thought you just had pops like a bubble that instant. He still has so much ahead of him. He doesn’t have to go like you do.
And suddenly you ask yourself, heart sinking at the thought…How do you learn to let go?
“Promise you won’t forget.” He says out of the blue.
“Forget what?”
“Us.”
“Stop being so cheesy.”
“I’m serious. You know I hate it too.”
“Not forgetting isn’t going to solve anything.”
“I’m not saying it will.”
“Fine. I promise I won’t. Unless I forget myself too.
And then he snuggles in closer and the both of you just lay there under the sky that night without another word. It’s his turn to count the stars this time. You close your eyes but are careful not to fall asleep; wishing you could make time stop right here in this moment forever.
---
The day your lucky strike finally ends was totally different from how you had pictured it.
Your head hurt like it never felt pain before. You try to open your eyes but you don’t know the difference because everything around you is still as dark as ever. Inside of you panic is creeping in slowly; like how time flies without you knowing. Your mind, however, is still blank; incapable of processing even a simple thought. Your mouth has never felt drier than before yet you feel something fluid leaking from its corners.
Something in your mind clicks but you still don’t understand. Colours begin to flash in front of your eyes in a whirling motion as you watch, a myriad of images starting to take form as the bright lights start to hurt your eyes.
You remember being in a car and the sound of rain pelting mindlessly against the window. There was this new song playing on the radio that reminded you so much of your past memories. It was a happy feeling. And then a really, really annoying bright flash of light right there in front of your eyes, threatening to rob you of your sight if you don’t squeeze your eyes hard enough. And then suddenly you’re turning, turning, and turning like a really bad theme park ride.
And then everything stopped and here you are.
So here it is then. The bright colours stopped as abruptly as they came, replaced with a fuzzy dark shade of nothingness, as empty as the way you’re feeling now. So here’s how you finally meet your end, after everything you’ve been through in all the lives you had, this is how everything ends. A little more unspectacular than you have expected… but still, you should’ve seen it coming. It did end with a bang anyway, no pun intended.
Too soon…
But any time is too soon, because the days with people you love are too precious to waste. Too soon, and yet there’s no stopping to it. Their faces play in your empty mind like scenes from an old movie, both nostalgic and heart-breaking at the same time.
Jungsoo-hyung…Youngwoon-ah... Thank you for believing in me.
If you still could, you would have just closed your eyes and let it take you away, regretting nothing.
It’s funny how you don’t feel anything anymore but yet you can still hear your own thoughts, which…didn’t feel right. No bright light at the end of tunnel? No strange voice echoing from above? Dying for real sure seems strange, so different from before. Isn’t this the ninth time?
But then panic comes crashing like waves again as the feeling like you are actually capable of movement slowly uncovers itself.
But if you’re still here, it would mean...
And that’s when the whirling images came rushing again.
Someone was laughing and you were singing together to a tune on the radio. There was a gentle pressure on your hand like someone else’s was wrapped around it. Someone else was there…someone….someone important…
“My name is Cho Kyuhyun. Can I have yours?”
In the midst of the sinking feeling you try to move; any part of your body will do. Inside your head you’re screaming the loudest you can but it doesn’t escape your mouth. A finger moves first and suddenly your body regains its sense again.
“Let’s go, I’ll teach you how to play Starcraft.”
No wonder it feels so odd; a gasp escapes your mouth along with some metallic liquid dripping down your face as you realize you’re still in your car seat, only thing is that you’re being suspended upside down from it, the side of your face resting uncomfortably against shards of glass from the broken windshield. Pain shoots from all directions within you but you’ve trained well to deal with them. The pain from your heart, however, is a totally different matter.
“Ask yourself! Ask yourself, Kim Heechul! Ask yourself why I’m doing this!”
You try to move other parts of your body but realize you’re stuck somewhere downwards where your legs ought to be. You try to lift your head away from the glass puzzle beneath you, wondering how many pieces are left embedded in your face while chasing away worries about what ugly scars they will leave. Every part of you is just screaming and protesting but you know you can’t stop, not now. The panic that had been creeping at the beginning starts to coarse through every possible part of your body and soul like wildfire; motivating you to struggle a little faster. If you don’t hurry, then you won’t make it. If your worst fear is coming true then…
“You shouldn’t have wasted one on me.”
After a few agonizing moments you’re finally free but then that’s when the horrible pungent smell and somehow loud and intrusive dripping sound of petrol fills your senses. It just didn’t fit with the quiet and peaceful night underneath the dark sky.
“You’re special…so special…and beautiful…I don’t know how…”
His first and favourite car is more than a wreck, you realize as you crawl out; pain radiating more from inside than anywhere else like a thousand paper cuts, but your leg was definitely killing you more than it should. His smiling face keeps you going but it is ripped into a thousand pieces and then replaced with a mangled figure lying a few feet away from where you’re staggering from pain, the ground still wet from the rain.
“Shut up. I can’t kiss your lips if you don’t stop blabbing and giggling like a girl.”
Even as you scream with all your heart, you can’t mute the sounds of the devastating crash that begin to roll back into your ears; every beat loud and clear as if to make sure you heard it. Your eyes are clammed shut as your hands hover shakily over his bloodied body, refusing to see how broken the boy is; how broken you’ve made him.
“I learn from the best, Heenim.”
Like a glass doll, you hold him in your arms and ever so carelessly you let him slip and now he is broken, so broken. Every part of him is broken; his handsome face, his limbs, his ribs… his beautiful heart.
His breath.
“Let’s go somewhere quiet…take a drive…just the two of us…”
And there is nothing you can do to fix him anymore. Because unlike you there’s no second chance for him, and he deserved it so much more than you.
“You’re selfish…And arrogant. And you love yourself way too much to let anything tie you down. Lucky for us, I am way too much like you.”
You can’t even make out his sickly-pale face because of all the crimson flowing…still flowing and staining your clothes as you finally hold him in your bruised hands; the beautiful colour of life…draining every hint of life from him and mixing in with yours…into a mess; everything is a mess now.
“How come the two of us are so bad at expressing ourselves?”
This isn’t how it was supposed to be.
It shouldn’t be him. It should have been you. It was your time to go, not his, never his. But then why do this? You were prepared to go, prepared to let go, prepared to leave everything behind…prepared for everything.
“…But let me live, Kyu. Let me do what I want…while I can.”
Except this.
Anything but this.
He feels like nothing in your arms and you feel nothing but emptiness in your heart. Like a wisp in the air, everything will be blown over. There is nothing left inside of you; hollow wouldn’t even come close. There is no pain anymore and this is the worst thing imaginable because then there is really nothing left inside. Your body and soul is as broken as his, maybe even a little bit more. He is gone but here you are still.
For all your life you’ve prepared to leave, but never once are you prepared for that someone to go.
“Promise you won’t forget.”
Everything finally explodes along with the car; all the turmoil of emotions. Hatred, love, regret, pain… everything.
And yet you can’t hear a thing. Everything else goes up in flames like your heart and spits debris everywhere; every painful memory, every kiss, every laugh…every single detail. Your body feels numb and yet the pain that comes back is excruciating as you hold him close for the last time. The orange flames are reflected onto shards of glass and debris surrounding the two of you, licking up everything it touches. You pick one particular piece up in one cold hand and shudder.
You’re aching from all over…so tired, so tired.
If Death won’t come to you, then you will go to Death.
“Heechul.”
The shard of glass in your hand slips from it and shatters into a million pieces, taking you along with it. Everything surrounding you starts to dissolve suddenly but in slow motion. Even as you struggle to hold on to his lifeless form, he too, is gone…slipping through your fingers like the glass, like life. Even nine lives aren’t enough to feel and live through what you had with him.
And then you drift into sleep like never before; not a single thing heaving in your chest.
---
“Heechul.”
You stir from the stupor you would rather not but it is your name and when it’s called out, you can’t ignore it. Even just a peek through your eyelids, the lights felt too bright. You squint through the light and see a figure standing before you, head bowed to take a good look at you.
“Do I know you?”
It’s strange; you’ve never seen this person in your life before. Why should he be the first person you meet here…whatever this place is.
“Used to. You took really good care of me even back then. Helped me onto the swing even though you pretended to be annoyed.”
“Swing?” You got up from the surface you were laying on moments ago and everything has never felt odder. Even now as you looked around, there is really nothing in the surroundings; everything not even looking solid at all. Not even the floor, and yet you’re still standing on something.
“I’m Kibummie, remember?” He says without looking at you as he starts to walk away, but you could see him smiling and something sparks inside you. A memory…from a long time ago.
“Kibum?”
He nods and you recognise those pillow cheeks right away; although you’ve got to admit he’s really looking grown up from the time you last saw him, which was when he was only a small kid. He continues his pace without turning back, walking towards nothing, it seems.
“Wait up…! Where am I?” You start to run towards him.
“Some people call it Heaven. But you can call it anything you want, because it isn’t quite anything.”
“No, but I don’t want to be here. I’m tired, so tired of everything. I don’t want to be anywhere.” You stop in your tracks and watch as he slows down too.
“Don’t be afraid, hyung,” he smiles that shy smile you miss seeing all these years.” They have everything here, hyung. Everything you want.” His hand motions to open an invisible door.
A loud meow ensues and Kibum is suddenly gone. Heebum is suddenly lying affectionately at your feet, along with all the cats you’ve received and given away all the years because you couldn’t afford to keep another one. Baengshin…Champagne…you sure missed them. But what’s behind the door?
You reach for the door curiously although you can’t see it, pushing through ever so quietly.
“Hello, Heenim. Remember me?”
You smirk at the familiar face before entering.
“Unless I forget myself.”
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A/N : FINALLY POSTED THIS!! LJ really hates me. Took me 2 days just to arrange everything here. Pretty please, comment? <3