CHRONIC i n s o m n i a- Chapter two. [DIRU]
I brushed my shirt down, hiding my existence by staring out the music room window, trying to get the teacher to believe it was not I who soiled the carpet and would soon leave in search of the actual cause. To my prevail he left with a low sigh, carrying the bucket of soapy water out with him, hitting it with a chiming sound against the door then a click.
I breathed out slowly, trying to calm my own nerves. When I was sure I was the only one around I fled to the door, locking it then smiled contently to myself. It was quiet, no one here but me. Just the way I like it. I know this is totally wrong and absurd but I feel at peace when I’m locked up and alone. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. Maybe four years now, I’m not sure but it’s always been there. When I first started High school I got intimidated by the other students. Their stares, laughter, actions. They all landed down on me like a pile of bricks. At first my parents assumed I was being bullied, but in reality I wasn’t. Only by my own mind was I being tricked upon. My mind tells me when people are looking, making judgments at me and all sorts. I panic, ending up with vomiting or even sialorrhea. It drives me crazy. It’s every single day, especially in school times. There’s too many people to watch, comprehend what they are doing, want me to do or reply. I’m a social outcast, failure.
However, I didn’t feel…too bad with that other guy. He tried to ‘comfort’ me when I cried and I didn’t know how to react so I just threw up and then, he ran away in an instant. He must think I’m revolting and a weirdo too. True to say, I never got to see his face. Just his hair. Bright, flaming, red.
“Hm?”
I heard the store room door creak open, panicking I started to fumble with my hands, trembling and the feeling of sickness took over me once again. This is probably why I’m so thin. I can’t keep food down for more than 3 hours a day.
“Oh, um….Shinya, is it?”
I nodded my head, holding my breath, palpitations wild as he came closer. I could only see him from the corner of my eye. He looked like a high school student from his height but in his face he clearly was not. He had lots of piercing on his face, ears, lips, all that I could see. And a few viewable tattoos in the open on his neck and right hand. I couldn’t really see what they were or said but they were there. He came closer, my heart went faster I think it just might explode, the sick is making it’s way up my throat once more this morning and I can feel my body jerking a little forward in preparation. A little more, another step closer, closer…..
“I’m Kyo Niimura from the university of Haul, a student studying Psychology and I was given your name and school to use as a study. I guess-”
Last step and- -SPLAT.
The vomit left my mouth as he stood right beside me, my body went into convulsions as I kneeled on the ground. All I heard was;
“I guess you’re not all good with confrontation, hey Shinya.”
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I jogged down the campus street of Haul University in search of Kaoru. Everyone I saw waved, said their good mornings and just as always, complimented. Again, again and again. When will it stop! I know they’re picking at me with their false smiles, laughing and mocking me secretly within their cosy groups. No matter how many times I throw up my guts, diet, put on make up at the most early hours of the morning. All of this, it doesn’t work. They throw it back in my face. I can’t be perfect, though I’m not denying that I wouldn’t want to be.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.”
Turning round I found the man I was long looking for. Kaoru was currently kicking a can repeatedly in frustration. I watched intently for awhile to see where he was going with this until he managed to kick the can at a dog in the skull. I jumped back in surprise before running over to him, dragging him away at full speed as the dog started to chase both of us with its huge bearing teeth.
“This is sooooooooooooooooooo your fault, Kaoru!”
“ IS NOT. Dog was in the way!”
I sighed, ignoring him. I just wasn’t going to get my way or win in this conversation at all. Besides it’s 10am, I need to do some excessive exercise. It’s a daily routine. Eat, vomit, work out, eat, vomit, class, vomit and so on. No one really knows that this goes on, only Kaoru I think but the many times he’s tried to stop me I just contradict him on asking him to stop his reckless behaviour and self harming. He shuts up and leaves me alone. I think that’s why we work best together. Only we know what’s really going on under that skin.
“Oooh, Die-Kun you look amazing today!”
“Mnm.”
“You’re so handsome and fit!”
“Mnm.”
“Kaoru you look-”
“Shut up.”
Silence. Kaoru’s sharp, aggressive tone sliced through the air like a butcher knife to bread. I sighed wiping the sweat off my forehead. I can’t control him, it’s the way he is. Everyone always looks to me as in ‘Aren’t you going to stop him or tell him off.’ Of course I’m not. He doesn’t like to be annoyed, then why bother annoying him if you know what’s coming. It’s common sense really.
“Excuse me.”
I went into the closet bathroom, heaving up what ever was actually left in my stomach at that time from earlier. Probably just my stomach bile because the contents of the toilet are now a greenie yellow. Not cheerio coloured.
I heard footsteps come closer to the door, wiping my mouth vigorously I stood up, flushed the toilet and started to wash my hands like nothing happened. Though, I was very wrong about that. Very wrong indeed.
“Again, Die?”
“Oh….Kaoru.”
He glanced over at the toilet seat, then returned his gaze to me, his eyes filled with concern but annoyance. He took a few steps towards me until I was leaning against the sink, hands pressed down to grip against the rim to hold my weight up. Kaoru was intimidating at times, times like these. He took my chin with his thumb and index finger, making me look at him. He leaned in, his breath warm against my skin.
“I want you to stop this. It’s unreasonable.”
“So is inflicting pain on yourself but you don’t stop it.”
“That’s different.”
“No it’s not!”
I glared at him as he glared back at me. The tension was unbearable but the sense of angst that filled the air was more overpowering. I stiffened as he came closer, lips near enough to my cheek, his eyes darting to mine then my lips. My chest was heaved out like a bear as in protection. But for a mere human, that was probably the most stupid thing to do. Kaoru blankly stared at my face then turned away, not amused and bored. Leaving the room I breathed out, hand coming up to fan out on my collar bone.
“What…. Was that about?”
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“LET ME GO RIGHT NOW!”
“Please Mr. Hara, You’re loosing a lot of blood as we speak!”
“THAT’S THE POINT YOU STUPID BITCH.”
On a stretcher, being rolled in, unable to move an inch of my body, only my mouth which was useful enough to yell and screech at the doctors or nurses that tried to bandage me. I furiously started to band my head off the metal bar attached to the stretcher, causing my vision to go blurred as I heard the earlier nurse panic, trying to hold my head back. I spat out quite crudely at her.
“STOP IT, THIS IS WHAT I WANT.”
Soon enough I felt my head get lighter and everything seemed to spin round me. I passed out within seconds, the doctors had injected a knock-out drug into my left arm.
“B-Bastards.”
This a normal occurrence for the hospital staff. Probably around two to three times a week I’d end up here or be round for a test or something. The doctors walks round here like they are something, think they have me sorted out and everything. Then why am I continuously here? I’d sure like to know.
I remember a few times they tried to blame this ‘unusual behaviour’ on past experiences with my parents. Written down on my record was ‘child abuse, child neglect’. That was when I blew up, really trying to kill myself in front of the entire hospital. Took a whole heap of brave workers to lure me back. I just hate the way these fancy doctors like to just put the blame on all these weird, brain problems and behaviour on the parents. When clearly, it wasn’t my parents, they were really nice to me actually. It could have been triggered off by anything and it’s their jobs to figure out, right?
This ‘thing’ has ruined half of my experiences in life. From getting in a relationship to having a long lasting friendship. How could I put that on someone else’s shoulders? Having someone love me then go and take my own life, inflicting my pain onto them. That’s why I’ve chosen to never love, get close or befriend anyone. It will keep everyone from getting hurt.
To be truthful, I can’t understand this or why I act the way I do but one thing is for sure. It wasn’t my parents. They love me.
Don’t they?
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“So…..you don’t get on with the rest of your classmates, huh?”
“Ah…..Well… No, not that. Really… I-I just Don’t….”
I looked at the younger boy intently. We were currently walking down the music corridor of the school. The boy sure wasn’t what I had expected, sure I’m not all that spectacular but he, he’s definitely something…new. Looking at him he wasn’t like the other boys in his year group. Not at all, he was more like…the girls, better even. He was quite feminine looking, especially in the face. Another thing, he was incredibly thin, almost in a deathly state, it’s actually scary. Although I do have to admit, he is quite pretty nonetheless.
Stammering, confusion, not knowing what to say. Not having the right words at the right time. This is …..interesting? I’m not sure what’s with him yet just by meeting him. And boy did he give one first impression. Outburst of induced vomiting wasn’t what I intended to get out of this first day but everything that happens is useful…I guess.
Quiet. It’s very quiet. And, Shinya seems quite content and happy with this at the minute. Maybe there is something wrong with noise in his persona, or he is an easily made happy child. There are so many conclusions to pull out from this but I won’t go too into depth with this, not just yet.
“So, Shinya. Why Don’t you tell me something about yourself?”
“M-My……self?”
“Mhm. I am here to learn about-You.”
Looks like a blew a fuse. His earlier smile has vanished, his cheeks have now become flushed and he’s started to tremble and stammer again. Why does he get to agitated and embarrassed about talking to a person? It’s not like I’m going to reject him-
‘Exactly, rejection is the last thing you’d want, Kyo. Look at yourself, you’ve been rejected your entire life. You’re even hiding it in a new life and here you are trying to help a young boy with issues, issues that even YOU couldn’t overcome. You just hid, you over grown coward. Failure. Useless!’
“Urgh!”
“K-yo,…….sir?”
My head started to throb, I looked to the side through the door window. You’re there again. Why don’t you just go away, give up. Stop torturing me! It’s not fair and I can’t give up on myself, I get let anyone know, that’s why I want to help this boy overcome what I haven’t. Just yet.
I fell onto my knees, breathing sharply as my teeth clenched tightly onto my bottom lip, the taste of iron flooding my mouth. My eyes darted all over the corridor. Room one, Shinya, Room two, Door, Room three, You.
“K-Kyo! Sir, what’s wrong? Kyo!”
I embraced myself with my hands over my head, trying to hid my face between my knees. Sickness, blood, it’s all the same. Again and again. The frustration will never end, no matter how much I try I cannot win.
I felt myself shake as Shinya knelt down beside me, rubbing my back as I began to cry another time today. Comfort, it’s what I’ve longed for but why is it you that causes this unwanted feeling. The feeling of wanting to crawl up and wither away. To just lie down and die.
I looked upwards one last time, seeing those deathly pale legs in front of me. I swore I shook even more than my body could take, blood running down from my mouth and onto the stone tiled floor. I cried vigorously as my body got colder and weaker for my own well being. Everything started to fade into darkness as I fell onto my side. The last thing I saw was Shinya’s tearful face and you advancing behind his frail form.
“Don’t…..touch him.”
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