angel, i can't even see in front of me; hoya/sungjong; pg-13; 3k+ words;
lee sungjong
the name that’s printed vertically on the back of howon’s hand, right where his thumb connects to his palm.
the name that’s printed in almost perfectly neat hangul, with too small lines and both characters too close together.
the name that doesn’t belong to a girl’s.
the name of someone he doesn’t even know, but is his soulmate.
howon stops questioning why the name on his hand is a boy’s instead of a girl’s when his mom tells him to-- that it doesn’t matter what kind of person they are because it’s fate and destiny and you’ll be together in the end no matter what.
howon always keeps quiet when his friends somehow come to the topic of their soulmates. he keeps quiet when his friends argue about which name sounds prettier, or when they explain their ideal looks for her, or what they’re going to say when they see her for the first time or or or.
howon just keeps quiet.
howon thinks that because he has lee sungjong (damn him damn lee sungjong who does he think he is) printed on his hand means that he can’t be with other people.
he grows out of that thinking when he’s asked out to prom by a girl he doesn’t even know (and continues to not remember a single thing about her except that she was very sweet) who’s pretty and has big eyes that crinkle up when she smiles and red lips that won’t stop moaning when they lose their virginity to each other six months later.
the girl grabs onto his hand when she bucks her hips back against his and accidentally grazes the name engraved on the back of his hand and he accidentally brushes against hers and howon suddenly feels sick.
howon breaks up with her the next day.
howon spends the rest of his high school life turning down girls and boys alike and their valentine’s chocolate and date invites and once even someone who got on their knees and begged,
waiting for that boy named lee sungjong.
howon continues to stare at every boy he passes, squinting at their back of their hand until he could decipher the name printed.
howon thinks about lee sungjong a lot.
would he be taller than howon? or shorter? or what if he’s several years older than him? younger than him? would he even be korean? of course he’s korean, you idiot. what if he’s from america? what if he’s in america right now and howon would never be able to meet him until the day he dies? what if their personalities completely clash? what if lee sungjong doesn’t even believe in this soulmates thing? what if lee sungjong decides he hates howon as soon as he lays eyes on him?
how would they meet? would howon meet him at his favorite coffee shop, sitting snugly in a corner with a book and instead of the usual coffee he would be drinking juice because he wants to be healthy? would howon meet him on the bus, where howon is late for something and he barely manages to slip through the automatic doors and weaves his way through the crowd to grab an overhead ring the same time he would and he would see his own name on his hand? would howon meet him at a job interview, where he’s dressed in a suit and looks so professional that howon would probably get on his knees right then and there? would howon meet him at the grocery store, ringing him up at the cashier and ask “paper or plastic” and howon would be too dazed to answer? would howon meet him when he turns this corner to get to class? would howon meet him when he would be driving that car that’s about to pass him right now?
howon just wants to meet lee sungjong.
lee sungjong never comes.
howon stops trying.
howon meets dongwoo in his calculus class.
he sees the boy and thinks he is totally my type and tries to discreetly look at the back of his hand.
just in case.
the boy retracts his hand from where he’s taking notes on the desk and holds it to his chest and proclaims “don’t look!” in the middle of class.
they both are told to leave, go out for coffee, and hours later they are already laughing and joking as if they’ve known each other for forever.
howon finds out about dongwoo’s relationship when he sees him doodling a name entirely different to the one on his hand with flowers and hearts and little kissy faces and sparkles.
nam woohyun is surrounded by flowers and hearts and little kissy faces and sparkles instead of the kim sunggyu engraved (neater than lee sungjong) on his hand.
when he asks him about it after class (because he would rather not skip another day and get left behind in the lessons thank you very much) dongwoo says that he loves this nam woohyun very much and just because he has a soulmate doesn’t mean he can’t love another person or he can’t have a second soulmate.
and howon doesn’t believe him, that that could actually happen, until he actually meets nam woohyun for the first time and he sees the way dongwoo and nam woohyun hold hands and the way they laugh at each other’s lame jokes and the way they look at each other like they’re the sun and the moon and the stars.
howon thinks about that for a long time.
howon brings home a boy one night-- one that resembled the most to what he’s conjured up in his mind as lee sungjong.
a boy with around the same build as him. someone who knows how to dance. hair long enough for him to pull. big eyes. pretty lips that he could nip on. sharp cheekbones. a button nose. long eyelashes. eyes that nearly disappear when he laughs.
they’re both tipsy and stumbling through the doorway, rushing and pulling at each other’s clothes and slipping them off of each other’s shoulders while howon tries to feel his way past the bathroom door and into his bedroom.
the boy is younger than him, that much is obvious with the way his moans are high-pitched and the way he squirms when howon’s fingers trail down his sides lightly and the way he clings desperately to his back when howon pushes into him.
howon doesn’t look at the name this time.
lee sungjong finally comes into howon’s life.
it’s the day high schoolers come to visit the campus, and howon could care less. they always walk extremely slow and take up the entire walkway and it had rained the night before and howon would rather not step in mud. they’re obnoxiously loud when they laugh and it gives howon a headache and he probably sounds like an old man when he tells all this to dongwoo, who laughs just as obnoxiously loud and brings a small smile to howon’s face.
a group of math geniuses or whatever come into class and their professor, instead of actually going over the material that will be on the final exam, talks to them.
howon doesn’t mind, really, because there’s more time to do nothing but talk to dongwoo and unintentionally running his hand over lee sungjong lee sungjong leesungjong over and over again, except he really does mind this time, and he’s just about to speak out and interrupt dongwoo’s very interesting story about something involving a maid outfit and nam woohyun, until he spots something that catches his eye.
it’s a boy-- a very very attractive boy with a slender figure and sharp collarbones and small lips and big eyes that seem to sparkle and a sharp jawline and pale clear skin and the prettiest hands he has ever seen when they’re brushing his hair out of his face.
he’s wearing a nametag that says lee sungjong.
howon wants to go up to lee sungjong, but he doesn’t know what to say.
hi i’m lee howon and you’re lee sungjong right? my soulmate who i have been basically crying over every night and i am already tragically in love with you even though we have never even met does that even make fucking sense i have been waiting for you for forever please just
howon doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t say anything at all.
and howon nearly beats himself up over the next two weeks for losing his probably (not) only chance to talk to his fucking soulmate and he’s constantly thinking about him and the way he was practically glowing in the sunlight and the way he held himself that made howon’s heart beat faster and trace lee sungjong more often than usual.
he gets a second chance when he’s in the elevator with handfuls of groceries and the door dings open and he’s really annoyed because he just wants to get to his apartment, thank you very much, so he could wallow in self pity
except it’s lee sungjong.
and howon blinks stupidly when lee sungjong bows his head politely and steps in to stand next to howon, pulling his phone out as soon as the door closes.
and howon’s heart is pounding and his hands are sweaty and he shifts the plastic bags and they’re extremely loud through howon’s ears and his head is swarming with what should i say oh my god you are beautiful even close up i just want to
“uhm.”
and lee sungjong looks at him, he looks at howon, and asks, “hm?”
“uhm,” howon says again and clears his throat. there’s no backing out now. “i, uh, you came to my calculus class a few weeks ago.”
and it seems like lee sungjong is so easy to read with the way he stands up straighter and his eyes light up and howon wants to cry at how cute he is. “oh, yeah! sorry for, uh, interrupting your class? there really was no point since most of us had already listed that class for next year.” he smiles politely.
lee sungjong smiles politely, yet howon is completely dazed. “uhm. yeah.”
and lee sungjong turns back to his phone. conversation over. the end.
except. “lee sungjong, right?”
and he turns back to him, smiling politely once again and howon doesn’t want to see that anymore. “yes...?”
and howon’s heart is beating extremely fast and he feels like he’s about to puke when he lifts his hand up, bag of groceries and all, to show him the name on his hand.
lee sungjong drops his phone.
it’s horribly awkward in howon’s apartment with lee sungjong at his cheap dinner table and turning his phone over and over in his hands.
“i’m your soulmate, huh?” lee sungjong laughs, bitterly, and howon is overcome with dread.
“why do you sound so devastated by that?” and howon jokes, to dispel the tense atmosphere, “am i that unattractive?”
lee sungjong doesn’t laugh and starts to trace the name on his hand, in a way that howon can’t see it.
howon is left awkwardly fiddling with the handle of his cup of water.
“what’s your name?”
“lee howon.”
lee sungjong stops tracing the lines over his hand, finally looks howon in the eyes, and lifts his hand up.
the hand does not say “lee howon.”
howon cannot look lee sungjong in the eyes anymore. he goes to lie down on his bed, face first, and doesn’t respond to any of lee sungjong’s questions or comments.
lee sungjong finally leaves, but not before putting his number into howon’s phone.
howon doesn’t exactly know why, but he spends the rest of the night crying.
howon has heard of people with soulmates that have someone else’s name on it. howon has also heard of people born without a name.
before howon would’ve thought that being born without a name on your hand would’ve been the worst to ever happen.
he changes his mind.
lee sungyeol.
lee sungyeol is the name engraved on lee sungjong’s hand.
as childish and unreasonable as it is, howon starts to curse at lee sungyeol in his head at any chance he can get.
lee sungjong calls him a week later, asking if he wants to meet up. howon says yes before he could stop himself.
he asks him to meet up at (well would you look at that) howon’s favorite coffeehouse, and when howon arrives, he nearly falls to the floor and cries when he sees lee sungjong in the corner with a book and a glass of orange juice sitting neatly on top of a coaster.
as soon as howon sits down, lee sungjong puts down his book and starts a long spiel about something that happened at school involving their senior prank and he’s so animated, with the way he talks with his hands and his voice and howon has never been so grateful.
they continue to hang out, nearly every chance they can get. they text each other all the time and howon has to stop himself from laughing in the middle of class.
you found him, didn’t you? dongwoo had said, nudging howon in the side with his elbow and smiling.
yes, howon says, and pauses because then he remembers that they’re not-- they’re not meant to
you’re happier, i can tell, dongwoo says.
and howon just smiles. yeah.
yeah, he is happier.
they’re having a movie night together, watching some old horror film that lee sungjong had picked out, and there’s a bowl of popcorn between them on the couch.
and instead of watching the movie, like howon should be doing, he chooses to stare at lee sungjong’s profile.
he stares at the way the glare of the tv is reflected in his eyes. he stares at the way he laughs at all the very loud and bloody scenes that happen that make howon flinch. he stares at the way he would blindly grab at the popcorn bowl and stuff a handful in his mouth without taking his eyes off the screen. he stares at the way he does anything.
so howon can’t help himself when he leans over, slowly, so he knows that lee sungjong knows what’s going on and that he has time to move away, except he doesn’t move away and just pauses mid-chew and it’s so undeniably cute that howon takes a deep breath and presses his lips to the corner of lee sungjong’s mouth, hand floating awkwardly near his jawline.
he backs away instantly, except that he’s yanked back by his wrist and he’s suddenly sprawled on top of lee sungjong’s slender body with the popcorn bowl somehow on the table and oh my god he can feel the other boy’s body heat.
“don’t think this is all one-sided,” lee sungjong says, and grabs at howon’s hair on the nape of his neck and pulls him forward.
howon feels like his chest could explode.
their relationship is still the same, except it’s completely different.
before, howon had known that lee sungjong could play the piano, he almost sort of dislikes skinship, and that he looks the most beautiful when’s laughing.
but now, howon finds out that, although lee sungjong could play the piano, he wanted to sing the most (and on good days, howon wakes up to a soft voice singing in the kitchen). now, he finds out that lee sungjong really secretly likes skinship (especially when howon initiates it, which is very very often now). and now, he finds out that lee sungjong is the most beautiful when he’s sprawled on howon’s bed, purpling bruises faded and new ones rising on the pale column of his neck, blush crawling up from his chest and over his neck and to his face, hair sticking to neck and forehead (that howon can’t help but brush away), and lips bright red and bruised and swollen that make howon want to nip at them over and over and over again.
howon knew that it was all too good to be true, when, a week later, lee sungjong introduces him to a new student in his class.
a new student that goes by the name of lee sungyeol.
howon should’ve seen it coming when lee sungjong introduces him to lee sungyeol and he’s jumping all over the place and being completely different than when he had introduced howon to his friends.
howon should’ve seen it coming when lee sungjong looks at lee sungyeol differently than he does at howon.
howon should’ve seen it coming when lee sungjong starts spending more time with lee sungyeol than with howon.
howon should’ve seen it coming when lee sungjong pulls his hand away when howon grabs at it and changes the topic.
howon should’ve seen it fucking coming when lee sungjong breaks up with him, and howon tells him to save it and that he knew it was coming (when really he desperately wished that maybe things would’ve turned out differently and maybe just maybe).
lee sungjong tells him that he still really likes howon and that they could still be friends and howon doesn’t want to talk to him anymore (except he does he wants to keep talking to him for forever) and walks away.
howon tries to do anything to erase lee sungjong’s name.
he tries rubbing at his hand under hot water and it only leaves his hand burning and red. he tries to black it out with sharpie but it seems like the marker brings out the name even more. he even tries to ask to get it surgically removed (he was partly tipsy and partly delirious) and the nurse who had called a taxi for him had looked at him with pity when he had blurted out that his soulmate had a different soulmate.
no matter what he does, it seems like lee sungjong will be engraved into his mind and hand until the day he dies.
howon brings home a boy one night-- one that resembled the most to what the real lee sungjong looks like.
except he doesn’t look like lee sungjong at all-- with his green contacts and shorter hair and bigger lips and he has a bigger build than lee sungjong and
howon tells him to leave when he’s going down on him.
howon doesn’t go to sleep that night. and when he finally does and the sunlight is slipping in through the blinds and he could hear the sounds of the awakening city downstairs, he dreams of a gaspy laugh and sparkling eyes and pretty hands.
edit: sequel here