(no subject)
so my lip decided after a couple of months to reject the peice of metal that was lodged inside it. wtf. so now i dont have spider bites fuck you lip... but the peircing i had never closed to i have two in one side again. in other news i feel im destroying myself. my bad habits need to come to an end. i feel im spiraling down. im almost at the end of the tunnel. it has a lot to do with my grades. last semester everything was good, and this one started out good, but ive realized ive overloaded my schedule and i feel its impossible to accomplish everything to a degree i wanted to. i hate being mediocre. its not fun. some people can live with making c's and ive earned three thus far and i cant take another one. its hard to have a competative mentality when it comes to school, i think i may just have to live with it. what is one more c? c=average, b=greater than averge, a=excellent, thats what it says in my catalog for school. i dont want to be average because i feel anything i do should be done to its fullest potential. when your depressed you cant preform to that potential. im constantly tired i dont feel the need to live. bad habits help you forget. i dont want to just forget anymore, i want to solve the problems i have. a solution is nowhere to be found. im sinking like a stone in the ocean. ive never hit rock bottom, a half woman half fish creature has always picked me up but tends to drop me again sometimes. she's drifting in an endless sea. i hope she never lets me hit the bottom because i dont know what i would do. everything is mushy in my mind. like a mudslide. uncontrollable. i want to create something great. i want to be remembered. discover something. i feel if i dont preform to my fullest potential that will never happen. my closest friends are lifeless sheets of paper. paper agrees with me no matter what and i feel my art is the closest thing i have to something great. but its still mediocre. im tired. not just physically. mentally. emotionally. theres only one nap that would fix this. its not much of an option. she hasnt let the rock fall. but its weighing her down. attached at her throat. i dont want to struggle anymore. i try to look at the bright side of things as much as i can but im over it. i hate the states of delirium i go through, my imagination is my strength, but in such an analytical point in my life i hate it. i cant memorize information about eusociality or ocean law or reaction rates or metamorphic rocks but i know i have to if i want to succeed as a biologist. my imagination gets carried away with thoughts and i find myself having conversations and argument with myself about what all this information really means. theres an internal battle between my creative side and my mind, the bloodshed shows with every flick of a paintbrush, or every time my graphite BIC mechanical pencil writes something about the world around me. i hate times like this, i hope im not the only one that feels this way or i may have a serious problem, i hope its just stress. fuck the pain away. i should just listen to peaches, she knows all.