karma is shitting on everyone today
Job interview coming up. worthless fucking job. dermatological tech, oncology shit- i'd analyze cancer. go cancer. Even that fucking JOB reminds me of someone. and another opportunity granted to me by an environmental lawyer- not paid, but resume experience working on a case(who e-mailed me tonight drunk, i swear to god, i'll paste it in here when I'm at a real computer) ... law... oh good.
like fuck... I don't think i'm ever going to get over the visceral reaction that i get every time i think of the hell i've put others through. I've been through hell over it too.. i know i have, i tortured myself, and destroyed myself, basically. cut off all ties to everyone for a month, everyone but aundria and emily, basically... gave up, tore myself apart... but i deserve this... but to think about it... to crush someone like that, every time, multiple times a day, that it crosses my mind, the guilt, the reaction, is crippling... still, months later. nausea, panic, shaking, how could i have ever caused someone to feel even a portion of the way i feel now... how could i have have been so numb to not think... and i know that feeling bad about something won't ever change it... and i know that what's done is done, still... to think that somewhere in me was the capability to put someone, let alone someone i love, through that level of torment, if even for a day of hell, i feel like i deserve a lifetime of hell. still. you'd think that months later i'd have moved on. nope. it's changed, i've figured it out more, i understand it a lot more, but it's still hell. I guess i can only at least be happy that shit without me is going well for him... that he's actually moved on. as much as deep down, irrationally i'd kill to get what we had back, i know that i don't even have a chance of that happening, and i recognize that, i ruined it. so i can only be happy that he's found some form of happiness... and maybe some day i'll move on with my life too... and get the fuck out of bed (i guess the bed thing is somewhat justified from the tonsil shit, but i lay here on my goddamn phone like, 90% of the time it seems because my computer reminds me of little things here and there, seeing him having commented on a mutual friend's status... someone i'm talking to mentioning him... so i really try to limit that to looking for jobs, and i try to not think abuot it- but that's impossible... i know it'll be easier, but i never see me moving on ) but somebody please fucking tell me when the fuck that's going to happen. please? because from where i'm standing, looking forward, i never see it happening. i didn't mean to get into all of that. sorry.
and i'm poor- so who knows about apartments- final countdown... we'll see. and goddammit, i'm on my last episode of weeds of this season- i need to buy season 2, and karma is shitting on everyone lately... kids losin their luggage halfway across hte world and ruining their backs lifting bags of laundry, and people's kitties dying on them and stuff... what gives.
i'm going to stop because i'm getting the low battery alert and i am slightly less angsty now that my pain meds are kicking in and coming to the rescue. the tonsils aren't the bad part, kids- it's the adenoids. and the loss of the sense of taste.
EDIT (an hour later): couldn't resist. had to get up to throw this in here, i keep reading it over and over- can't stop laughing:
JESSICA!!
YES! I hope though first you did not hae the same nightmare I did at age 19 with that operation - it was one of the worst things I have ever gone through (and I have been through a BUNCH!) - have deleted your other e-mails so I dont know if you sent me a resume or outline of your education/ experience - Please resend - or just send now. GEEEZZ be ready for a rollar coaster ride - this thing is a nightmare of cover-ups an misapproriations - I have not in 28 YEARS seen anything this bad! Have you seen the movie "Chinatown" ? Wacth it and be prepared this is the same cloak and daggar type situation. I have to think about where you can help best - please send me your phone numbers - let me know where and when I can get you - we are on ver short timeline
Thanks
Marcia
like fuck... I don't think i'm ever going to get over the visceral reaction that i get every time i think of the hell i've put others through. I've been through hell over it too.. i know i have, i tortured myself, and destroyed myself, basically. cut off all ties to everyone for a month, everyone but aundria and emily, basically... gave up, tore myself apart... but i deserve this... but to think about it... to crush someone like that, every time, multiple times a day, that it crosses my mind, the guilt, the reaction, is crippling... still, months later. nausea, panic, shaking, how could i have ever caused someone to feel even a portion of the way i feel now... how could i have have been so numb to not think... and i know that feeling bad about something won't ever change it... and i know that what's done is done, still... to think that somewhere in me was the capability to put someone, let alone someone i love, through that level of torment, if even for a day of hell, i feel like i deserve a lifetime of hell. still. you'd think that months later i'd have moved on. nope. it's changed, i've figured it out more, i understand it a lot more, but it's still hell. I guess i can only at least be happy that shit without me is going well for him... that he's actually moved on. as much as deep down, irrationally i'd kill to get what we had back, i know that i don't even have a chance of that happening, and i recognize that, i ruined it. so i can only be happy that he's found some form of happiness... and maybe some day i'll move on with my life too... and get the fuck out of bed (i guess the bed thing is somewhat justified from the tonsil shit, but i lay here on my goddamn phone like, 90% of the time it seems because my computer reminds me of little things here and there, seeing him having commented on a mutual friend's status... someone i'm talking to mentioning him... so i really try to limit that to looking for jobs, and i try to not think abuot it- but that's impossible... i know it'll be easier, but i never see me moving on ) but somebody please fucking tell me when the fuck that's going to happen. please? because from where i'm standing, looking forward, i never see it happening. i didn't mean to get into all of that. sorry.
and i'm poor- so who knows about apartments- final countdown... we'll see. and goddammit, i'm on my last episode of weeds of this season- i need to buy season 2, and karma is shitting on everyone lately... kids losin their luggage halfway across hte world and ruining their backs lifting bags of laundry, and people's kitties dying on them and stuff... what gives.
i'm going to stop because i'm getting the low battery alert and i am slightly less angsty now that my pain meds are kicking in and coming to the rescue. the tonsils aren't the bad part, kids- it's the adenoids. and the loss of the sense of taste.
EDIT (an hour later): couldn't resist. had to get up to throw this in here, i keep reading it over and over- can't stop laughing:
JESSICA!!
YES! I hope though first you did not hae the same nightmare I did at age 19 with that operation - it was one of the worst things I have ever gone through (and I have been through a BUNCH!) - have deleted your other e-mails so I dont know if you sent me a resume or outline of your education/ experience - Please resend - or just send now. GEEEZZ be ready for a rollar coaster ride - this thing is a nightmare of cover-ups an misapproriations - I have not in 28 YEARS seen anything this bad! Have you seen the movie "Chinatown" ? Wacth it and be prepared this is the same cloak and daggar type situation. I have to think about where you can help best - please send me your phone numbers - let me know where and when I can get you - we are on ver short timeline
Thanks
Marcia