(no subject)
I can't sleep anymore. ever. at all. i'm at the point where i'm desperately taking tylenol PM, unisom, simply sleep, nyquil etc trying anything... all make me sleepy, yes... but i can never actually fall the fuck asleep... i spend from 1 in the morning until about 6 in the morning trying to fall asleep and then at about 6 i give up and watch tv and i sort of halfway fall asleep and am up again, WIDE FUCKING AWAKE by 6:45 and i haven't been able to sleep since... well.. since two weeks ago in whittier i was up all night crying and breaking down about my current... situation... that i'm trying to not think about because i still hate myself for all of it and you all know it, also was the day michael jackson died... he could never fall asleep either... hmm. anyway.. not the point...
the point is.. because i have so much time to just lay there desperate to fall the fuck asleep, and calm the fuck down, laying here looking up shit that pops into my head on my phone (the most recent one was Artemesia Californica... i couldnt remember if that was the name for california sage or black sage... should have known- the artemesia genus is in the Asteraceae family while the other sage is clearly in the Lamiaceae family and i should have just let it go because biology is getting me nowhere)... and texting people and writing this... my phone has become my computer at night simply because in the event that i suddenly do magically have a two second window in which i could potentially fall asleep- i want to be ready for it, not in a computer chair... and so i have a lot of time to think about shit... like the sound outside my window....
if my window isn't open while i try to fall asleep it gets way too hot in this room... if the window is open it gets way too cold, but i'd rather be way too cold...
and i've been kept up for way too long thinking about the sound outside my window... it's the ocean... i know it's the ocean... fucking orange county... the goddamn ocean is right there... out my window... but the way the sound is echoing off the cliffs over there... it doesn't sound like the ocean... it sounds like a freeway.
now, you can go "oh boo hoo your life must SUCK falling asleep to the sound of the OCEAN every night... oh poor orange county girl... your life is SOOOOOooOOOoOOoo hard...."
BUT... it doesn't SOUND like the ocean... it sounds like a motherfucking freeway.
Let me explain it this way.... say, for instance, my favorite band (yes, still... now out of habit more than anything, but that's beside the point... the point is... it's a band) is AFI... i like their music. let's pretend i love their music, for the sake of this example. i can't get enough of it... now... say, for instance, they begin to cover, oh, i dunno... Dixie Chicks music... but not just cover their songs and remake them in their own style... no, i mean cover them in the same style, same vocal pitch, same shrill awful twangy bullshit Dixie Chicks style... basically, they sound like the dixie chicks. Now... knowing that the music is, in fact, coming from AFI may be a bit amusing once or twice... maybe they're doing it as a joke, i dunno... nobody knows... until they release an album... of all music like that... and they tour, and you begin to realize that their music style has shifted and all they're going to play is this goddamn Dixie Chicks bullshit... as much as I love AFI, not gonna be a fan... because it sucks. Even if I know it's them... this shit sucks... and inversely... i'd probably be more likely to buy tickets to Fred Durst's new "Awakening the destitute darkness in the shadows of sorrow's eternal darkness" tour if his music somehow sounded more like the style i once loved in AFI... even though it was Fred Durst... and nobody likes fred durst... Megan and i once had the misfortune of having him make a guest appearance on stage at a concert we didn't want to be at in the first place but it was the last place we expected to have to encounter fred durst so we went... and the motherfucker showed up anyway... but that's a tangent
So i wonder... are there places near freeways where the sound is bouncing off the bridge structures and freeway barriers and semi trucks just the right way to where it sounds like the ocean? And where is that... cause that's gotta be cheap property... but it's gold... like.. hidden gold... if they never look out their window... rich blind people, though... rich blind people...
yeah.
the point is.. because i have so much time to just lay there desperate to fall the fuck asleep, and calm the fuck down, laying here looking up shit that pops into my head on my phone (the most recent one was Artemesia Californica... i couldnt remember if that was the name for california sage or black sage... should have known- the artemesia genus is in the Asteraceae family while the other sage is clearly in the Lamiaceae family and i should have just let it go because biology is getting me nowhere)... and texting people and writing this... my phone has become my computer at night simply because in the event that i suddenly do magically have a two second window in which i could potentially fall asleep- i want to be ready for it, not in a computer chair... and so i have a lot of time to think about shit... like the sound outside my window....
if my window isn't open while i try to fall asleep it gets way too hot in this room... if the window is open it gets way too cold, but i'd rather be way too cold...
and i've been kept up for way too long thinking about the sound outside my window... it's the ocean... i know it's the ocean... fucking orange county... the goddamn ocean is right there... out my window... but the way the sound is echoing off the cliffs over there... it doesn't sound like the ocean... it sounds like a freeway.
now, you can go "oh boo hoo your life must SUCK falling asleep to the sound of the OCEAN every night... oh poor orange county girl... your life is SOOOOOooOOOoOOoo hard...."
BUT... it doesn't SOUND like the ocean... it sounds like a motherfucking freeway.
Let me explain it this way.... say, for instance, my favorite band (yes, still... now out of habit more than anything, but that's beside the point... the point is... it's a band) is AFI... i like their music. let's pretend i love their music, for the sake of this example. i can't get enough of it... now... say, for instance, they begin to cover, oh, i dunno... Dixie Chicks music... but not just cover their songs and remake them in their own style... no, i mean cover them in the same style, same vocal pitch, same shrill awful twangy bullshit Dixie Chicks style... basically, they sound like the dixie chicks. Now... knowing that the music is, in fact, coming from AFI may be a bit amusing once or twice... maybe they're doing it as a joke, i dunno... nobody knows... until they release an album... of all music like that... and they tour, and you begin to realize that their music style has shifted and all they're going to play is this goddamn Dixie Chicks bullshit... as much as I love AFI, not gonna be a fan... because it sucks. Even if I know it's them... this shit sucks... and inversely... i'd probably be more likely to buy tickets to Fred Durst's new "Awakening the destitute darkness in the shadows of sorrow's eternal darkness" tour if his music somehow sounded more like the style i once loved in AFI... even though it was Fred Durst... and nobody likes fred durst... Megan and i once had the misfortune of having him make a guest appearance on stage at a concert we didn't want to be at in the first place but it was the last place we expected to have to encounter fred durst so we went... and the motherfucker showed up anyway... but that's a tangent
So i wonder... are there places near freeways where the sound is bouncing off the bridge structures and freeway barriers and semi trucks just the right way to where it sounds like the ocean? And where is that... cause that's gotta be cheap property... but it's gold... like.. hidden gold... if they never look out their window... rich blind people, though... rich blind people...
yeah.