And I'm questioning whether this whole thing was worth it to die poor and all alone?
fuck fuck fuck.
shitty shitty shitty.
katie's probably joining a sorority. jamie's ridiculous and into a sketchy dude.
they wonder why i say i want to leave bport.
i hate their drama and being dragged into it. if i didn't have dana&jen, i'd probably have murdered at least one person by now.
the hypocrisy alone is killing me.
that's why i'm running home this weekend for some mental therapy.
a small visit to naz & cart tonight made things a bit better. those kids will always be the ones i need when times get rough. they've had my back before; i trust they'll have it in the future.
do you know how tempting it is to transfer midsemester this year? the girls have a bed all ready for me in the suite and everything.
i hate being helpless. i wish i could be that person you need, i really do. but i know i can't. i wasn't before. i'm not now. i never will be. i doubt anyone could be that person irregardless.
'we'll be miles apart, i'll keep you deep inside, you're always in my heart'
do what you gotta do, not what anyone else does. you know you best.
if i believed in a god of some sort, i'd probably say a pray for you. but all i've got is some hopes and some wishes.
next 11:11 will be for you. and if i see a shooting star, you'll get that in your honor too.
open communication is a good policy. lets stop believing what everyone else tells us and just trust one another. its something we've yet to do really.
what's the waiting period on trust anyways? i don't usual go in cycles so this is all new to me. i'm usually the one who throws things out and forgets about them.
new beats old. but old is what i rely on.
addict. a dick. similarities are obvious sometimes.
i have a great little black dress i can wear to your funeral.
i know exactly what i'll say in your eulogoy:
"way to get fucked up and die, asshole, and i'm not speaking figuratively."
you might cry, but i cry too. i'm far more worried than i'll ever tell you because i know it won't do any good. i've screamed my lungs out before and it got me no where and you only further down.
i've told people that they don't know the real you; the broken you that lies inside. they think i'm kidding. we know the truth.
together we stand, divided we fall. don't you see that?
when you hit those rocks at the bottom, i hope you have someone there to help you back on your feet. i don't know if it'll be me, but i hope someone's there for you.
i really wish i had someone to talk and walk and smoke with.
i'm cuddling katie's teddy bear right now. and for as soft and pink he is, he's not enough. not big enough. not strong enough. not warm enough. NOT. ENOUGH.
loneliness. jealousy. frustration. sadness. apathy. fear.
i'm a wheel of trends.
if you asked me to be, i would be in a heartbeat.
it's funny because i know you'll read this and just know. but i don't care anymore. it's time to be open and honest dammit. nothing good comes from run around bullshit, learned that first hand, didn't we?
You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.
You're the leaky sink of sentiment,
You're the failed attempts I never could forget.
You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..
How will I break the news to you?
MCS - Hold Me Down
...It seems that when I ran away from my past
all my dignity, my faith, my pride got left back.
And now I think it's time that I realize
self pity's meaningless.
Though I'm 10 feet deep,
I'll claw my way back out from in my grave.
Pound my knuckles hard against the floor.
My head against the wall.
But I did this to myself.
Assume it's just not worth getting back up,
So I'll blame it on bad luck.
And I'll shake responsibility.
And say a hard life did this to me.
Now I realize, I'd give anything I have
to walk a day in my old shoes.
Wondering what my first smoke would be like,
my first fuck, my next fuck up.
Or the next band that would change my life
and it changed my life
and it changed my life....
Bayside - Blame It On Bad Luck