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subject... good question, dont know, never do
when you drive for a living, there comes a point when you just turn off the radio and sit in the dark and think while you drive. its inevitable. its not one of those "life sucks" kinda deals, cause life can be cool, it can be real cool. i just dont want MY life anymore. people always see me and im always makin people laugh or whatever, and people actually think im happy all the time. but im the most unhappy kid you could meet. i got so much shit i have to deal with on a regular basis its just too much anymore. sometimes i think my mind is slipping and i think i might go crazy. im serious.
i HATE where i live. i wish i could live by myself. ive been paying my own way since i was 19 and ive been out of my house since i was 17. i didnt have anyone to help me out and i didnt have anyone to fall back on. so what did i do? i quit bitchin like a fuckin pussy and man'd up and got my shit together and did what the fuck i had to do to stay alive. i didnt fuckin bitch when i had to get a second job, i didnt complain to people or piss and moan, and make stupid fuckin excuses. i work 6 days a week, about 65+ fuckin hours a week, im 22 i have no fucking life, i work and sleep. thats it. so when roomates complain about how much money it cost, or one of them says "well i cant pay that much theres no way" because he refuses to get a second job... cause hell "be too tired" FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING STUPID PUSSY ASS BITCH FUCKIN MOMMAS BOY PRICK FACE FAGET!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I DO GET BY ON MY FUCKING LOOKS YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!! man the fuck up and stop being a fucking pussy
i say i wish i could live by myself but i have to take care of my cousin. do i regret this? no. cause then he would have to go through the shit i did, and i wouldnt want that for anyone. but often enough i feel that hes not even grateful for what i do for him. he just complains that theres no food or that stevo would give him rides when i wouldnt cause im tired or something, or when i tell him to do something like clean up he just wont do it, he doesnt really listen to me at all. i was explaining to one of the pharmacists at work, kim, the mommy pharmacist my plight with having to move again, and she was surprised i said i was moving to bellmawr cause it was cheap but ghetto so that he could have his own room. and she said "you know what hes really lucky to have you" and i was just like yeah. but i dont think anyone cares really
so what so i move from girl to girl. my bad i didnt know it was wrong for someone to stop liking someone. and so what so i have them move in. is it my fault that i like them, and they help pay bills? bills that other people cant handle, and then i stop liking them? is it really that wrong of me? maybe i do use them to an extent, but not in a bad way. its not like i pretend to like someone so they will move in. and so what, so im not affraid to break up with someone when i see its not going anywhere. and yeah it hurts me too, for all you people out there that think im just some kind of heartless prick. it hurts me cause i constantly think whats wrong with me? why do i just stop liking people, why cant i find someone and stick with them? is it cause im affraid ill get attachted and dont wanna feel like how i used to feel when i was with michelle or debbie? is it some kind of defense mechanism? who knows cause i dont
everyone i knows gets to do what they want, they got someone to fall back on. is that a bad thing? no. and i mad at them? no. do i wish i did to? yes. stevo runs up his credit card bills, oh ill move home and mommy will pay everything and ill just get to pay off my credit cards with my money. reppo doesnt feel like hes saving any money, cause all our other roommates suck so he will move home for a while to get his shit straight and save some money. franco can move back with his mom. koltys bought a car and is strapped in, but he lives at home. kens mom sucks just like mine did, but you know what? hes got me. everybodys got somebody but me. and you know what, i cant take it anymore. im only fuckin human man, i can only take so much shit you know? i bust my ass so i got a place to live, try to keep it nice, i mean why shouldnt i? i pay for it with my hard earned money, and people just fuck my shit up. and i work so hard to pay my bills and i make more money a year then any of my friends, and all i do is sink. its hard man, the stresses of staying afloat and being a grownup and shit, well at least acting like one, i dont have that safety net, and yeah i act cool and play it tough, but no ones that tough, and no one gets it. all i got is myself. if i cant pay my way thats it, im fuckin homeless. aint no one there to take me in. no rents with a room for me, no one to help me through life. since i was fuckin 17. thats what hurts too, im only 22, and i have the life of an old man, but when i come home i got no energy, and i dont even wanna do anything but lay down. and this lifestyle has me so angry and so bitter. stevos keeps sayin "chris you really ARE just lookin for a fight" and i have been, i just need something. its been a hard fuckin 5 years, and sometimes it just gets to be too much. i hate my life right now, all i wanna do is go to school, but i cant cause i got so many bills that if i dont work two jobs ill go under. im stuck in a rut, a real deep hole and i dont know how to get out. thats what dannie told me. thats why i liked dannie so much, she could see to the real me, whats underneath my mask, it didnt fool her.
so with another speeding ticket i might have too many points and my insurance might drop me. so then i gotta fig out what to do, just when im about to move, when ken needs a car, and insurance, and hes got no money, and def wont have enough by the time we move out. so then what? if i dont help him that means hell lose his job. then he wont pay his share. then im stuck paying it all. and i cant do that! i cant afford all this shit! but if i dont im homeless! like wft am i supposed to do? get a third job? work seven days a week? 80 hours a week? i guess ill have to ::shrug::
like you think depression is a highschool thing, and that it all passes, but it doesnt. lately ive been thinking of suicide again. yeah i know it sounds stupid, but it doesnt feel stupid, and thats the hardest thing. it FEELS like a good idea. how can you deny that? its just hard man, like i said i feel like im losing my mind
but the most fucked up part is that i want to...
so im home from work tonite, everyones out, and i dont feel like going anywhere cause im so exhausted, so i just ate these xannies and now im gonna drink a lot, and hope i wake up at a decent hour tomorrow ::shrug:: whatever
when you drive for a living, there comes a point when you just turn off the radio and sit in the dark and think while you drive. its inevitable. its not one of those "life sucks" kinda deals, cause life can be cool, it can be real cool. i just dont want MY life anymore. people always see me and im always makin people laugh or whatever, and people actually think im happy all the time. but im the most unhappy kid you could meet. i got so much shit i have to deal with on a regular basis its just too much anymore. sometimes i think my mind is slipping and i think i might go crazy. im serious.
i HATE where i live. i wish i could live by myself. ive been paying my own way since i was 19 and ive been out of my house since i was 17. i didnt have anyone to help me out and i didnt have anyone to fall back on. so what did i do? i quit bitchin like a fuckin pussy and man'd up and got my shit together and did what the fuck i had to do to stay alive. i didnt fuckin bitch when i had to get a second job, i didnt complain to people or piss and moan, and make stupid fuckin excuses. i work 6 days a week, about 65+ fuckin hours a week, im 22 i have no fucking life, i work and sleep. thats it. so when roomates complain about how much money it cost, or one of them says "well i cant pay that much theres no way" because he refuses to get a second job... cause hell "be too tired" FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING STUPID PUSSY ASS BITCH FUCKIN MOMMAS BOY PRICK FACE FAGET!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I DO GET BY ON MY FUCKING LOOKS YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!! man the fuck up and stop being a fucking pussy
i say i wish i could live by myself but i have to take care of my cousin. do i regret this? no. cause then he would have to go through the shit i did, and i wouldnt want that for anyone. but often enough i feel that hes not even grateful for what i do for him. he just complains that theres no food or that stevo would give him rides when i wouldnt cause im tired or something, or when i tell him to do something like clean up he just wont do it, he doesnt really listen to me at all. i was explaining to one of the pharmacists at work, kim, the mommy pharmacist my plight with having to move again, and she was surprised i said i was moving to bellmawr cause it was cheap but ghetto so that he could have his own room. and she said "you know what hes really lucky to have you" and i was just like yeah. but i dont think anyone cares really
so what so i move from girl to girl. my bad i didnt know it was wrong for someone to stop liking someone. and so what so i have them move in. is it my fault that i like them, and they help pay bills? bills that other people cant handle, and then i stop liking them? is it really that wrong of me? maybe i do use them to an extent, but not in a bad way. its not like i pretend to like someone so they will move in. and so what, so im not affraid to break up with someone when i see its not going anywhere. and yeah it hurts me too, for all you people out there that think im just some kind of heartless prick. it hurts me cause i constantly think whats wrong with me? why do i just stop liking people, why cant i find someone and stick with them? is it cause im affraid ill get attachted and dont wanna feel like how i used to feel when i was with michelle or debbie? is it some kind of defense mechanism? who knows cause i dont
everyone i knows gets to do what they want, they got someone to fall back on. is that a bad thing? no. and i mad at them? no. do i wish i did to? yes. stevo runs up his credit card bills, oh ill move home and mommy will pay everything and ill just get to pay off my credit cards with my money. reppo doesnt feel like hes saving any money, cause all our other roommates suck so he will move home for a while to get his shit straight and save some money. franco can move back with his mom. koltys bought a car and is strapped in, but he lives at home. kens mom sucks just like mine did, but you know what? hes got me. everybodys got somebody but me. and you know what, i cant take it anymore. im only fuckin human man, i can only take so much shit you know? i bust my ass so i got a place to live, try to keep it nice, i mean why shouldnt i? i pay for it with my hard earned money, and people just fuck my shit up. and i work so hard to pay my bills and i make more money a year then any of my friends, and all i do is sink. its hard man, the stresses of staying afloat and being a grownup and shit, well at least acting like one, i dont have that safety net, and yeah i act cool and play it tough, but no ones that tough, and no one gets it. all i got is myself. if i cant pay my way thats it, im fuckin homeless. aint no one there to take me in. no rents with a room for me, no one to help me through life. since i was fuckin 17. thats what hurts too, im only 22, and i have the life of an old man, but when i come home i got no energy, and i dont even wanna do anything but lay down. and this lifestyle has me so angry and so bitter. stevos keeps sayin "chris you really ARE just lookin for a fight" and i have been, i just need something. its been a hard fuckin 5 years, and sometimes it just gets to be too much. i hate my life right now, all i wanna do is go to school, but i cant cause i got so many bills that if i dont work two jobs ill go under. im stuck in a rut, a real deep hole and i dont know how to get out. thats what dannie told me. thats why i liked dannie so much, she could see to the real me, whats underneath my mask, it didnt fool her.
so with another speeding ticket i might have too many points and my insurance might drop me. so then i gotta fig out what to do, just when im about to move, when ken needs a car, and insurance, and hes got no money, and def wont have enough by the time we move out. so then what? if i dont help him that means hell lose his job. then he wont pay his share. then im stuck paying it all. and i cant do that! i cant afford all this shit! but if i dont im homeless! like wft am i supposed to do? get a third job? work seven days a week? 80 hours a week? i guess ill have to ::shrug::
like you think depression is a highschool thing, and that it all passes, but it doesnt. lately ive been thinking of suicide again. yeah i know it sounds stupid, but it doesnt feel stupid, and thats the hardest thing. it FEELS like a good idea. how can you deny that? its just hard man, like i said i feel like im losing my mind
but the most fucked up part is that i want to...
so im home from work tonite, everyones out, and i dont feel like going anywhere cause im so exhausted, so i just ate these xannies and now im gonna drink a lot, and hope i wake up at a decent hour tomorrow ::shrug:: whatever