fat fuck-up is me
Well that's got to be the WORST in-class essay I've ever written.
*sigh* I'll probably get a C- or so. I'm good at English but I just
can't do poetry. I just can't. English is really the only class I'm
worried about. I'm pretty much done with philosophy except for my final
exam, sociology I still have a final and some article summaries but I
can manage those, CAAS I have a shitload of work but it's pretty much
all due on Monday, but English I still have a gigantic research paper
plus three novels to read plus an essay. I'm HOPEFULLY going to
Victoria next week to see Sara, but it's not set in stone yet because
we've figured out how long we want to spend but I'm not sure how long
her dad will want me there, understandably. We had a great talk on
Monday night but I miss her now and wish she'd call me again, I haven't
talked to her for a couple of days. I really really hope I can go. I'm
so stressed I have so much to do, not just school work but odd little
things too. I have to interview two people for my assignment, I have to
take my guinea pigs to the vet to get their nails clipped cuz they flip
out when I try to do it, I need to go to the gym tomorrow, I need to
take my cell in cuz it's being fucked up lately, hmm what else...
besides tons of school work I can't even remember right now. It's all
written in my Kwantlen agenda anyhow. And I'm so worried that I won't
get into Uvic. On top of that, everyone keeps coming to me with their
problems. "I cut this deep" "I couldn't stop cutting" "I'm so sad" "I
don't want to live anymore" "I'm gonna purge up my food again" It's not
that I don't want people coming to me, I LOVE being there for people
and if I can just put one smile on their face it's totally worth it,
but it's just so hard when you're in such a low place yourself. I care
about all these people and it's like it means nothing to them. And I
feel like my problems and my pain just doesn't matter anymore. What am
I thinking anyways, why would anyone care about me? Juliette doesn't
even seem to anymore... same pain same nightmares same crappy lonely
life. I worry about Uvic. I worry about being alone there. I worry
about being alone for the rest of my life. Everyone has someone, and if
not someone they have people, friends. I feel like I'm lonelier than
the majority of the world. I mean sure I have friends but no real close
ones anymore. Everyone's so busy and if it's not with school or work
than it's with anyone who is not me. I can't even seem to make friends
on SH anymore, it's just a bunch of bullshit at the moment, this one
girl keeps bitching at me in all my replies and I finally said "if you
don't like it, don't read it" and one of the mods sent me a nasty PM
saying to watch my tone but that I didn't break any rules so she can't
warn me, I'm just "rude". There's plenty of other people on that bored
ruder than me. Plenty of people who just downright attack people. I
didn't say anything inappropriate or anything I should take back. She's
since unregistered, but still, it just frustrates me. Agh. I'm too
pissy right now about everything to keep writing. All I want is a
fucking hug... how many days has it been since I've gotten a hug from
someone? I can't even remember. Too many. Fuck it. Going to cut now.