(no subject)
I have the weirdest feeling in my stomach. & it comes when that nastythought comes to the front and takes over. there's a sudden lurch and a feeling of anxiousness and panic. I just want to spill my guts and tell you everything that's swirling around my head, but that just wouldn't work. you've seen me get crazy before, and I'd hate to do that again. its too embarassing and I'm far too afraid that it'll be too much for you and I'll lose you. I mean, when the question of exclusivity was brought up I didn't really get an answer, and maybe that's why I feel so....off. I need some reassuring every now and then that we are, in fact, okay and that you're happy and I'm all you need. I just try to calm myself by thinking of the most recent affirmation or affirmation-like thing, but sometimes it just isn't enough and I need to hear it from you. and sometimes I beat myself up for letting myself get in so deep with someone so far away. I mean, 7000 miles? really? but there's just something about you that feels right. and you've stuck around longer than anyone else has, and I see you as being someone who's going to be around for at least a good while. you acting so completely zen about the whole situation just makes me feel like I'm even crazier, and then I feel awful about it. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you. you're so ingrained in everything that I wouldn't be able to escape you even if I tried, not that I want to. if anything, I want to be closer to you - as close as I can get. and I suppose for now this will have to do.