(no subject)
today is such a sad day, and i don't know why. even daniel felt sad today. it must be the weather or something.
i really feel alone today. it sucks so bad its like something crawled up inside me, and ate my insides out. i hate saying this, but its almost like i didn't feel loved today. i know i'm just a weird person, and i think up things that aren't true, but sometimes i just feel like shit. and i'm most scared that old habits will come back that i swore i would never continue doing. and it sucks. it sucks big balls. everything seemed so fucking perfect when i had it; and thats when i didn't care about it or think twice about it. i thought it was just there and i expected it. and when things change, and you don't have it, you feel empty. i regret not thanking god for what i had when i had it. and now that i don't, i'm still happy, but i just wish i had what i had. i am selfish. i know i am. i want what i want and i'm not happy until everything is perfect. i've always been like that. and the people that are in my life know that as well. i almost feel sorry for them, that they have to put up with my shit, and me being a horrible person when they're not up to my standards. when i try so fucking hard to leave my old ways behind and just accept the fact that people change, i break. i can't take it. its like i want to explode and just end myself. i really can't take it when things happen that i don't know about. i really can't take it when i can't make sure the people i love are okay. i really can't take it when i want something so bad that i lose sleep for weeks because of it. but the thing i hate the most is how i'm so paranoid. i've been told that i need to calm down and not take everything so seriously. that just woke me up and made me realize how fucking stupid i am. and i can't even stop myself. i'm a fucking lame ass who can't make anybody else happy unless i'm just sucking up to them when i can't even talk because i'm scared what i'll say will make them hate me. the only person i can seriously tell how i feel is to daniel; but even some things i can't even tell him. i'm so fucking paranoid about everything i can't take it anymore its killing me. i'm so paranoid that if i think i left one of my hairclips at school or something, i'll lose sleep. i'm so paranoid that if its 1:00 in the morning, i'll get up and go downstairs just to make sure all the doors are locked, even though i'm sure i locked them before bed. i wish i could change, i really do. i've tried almost my whole life. i swear to god i am turning into my mother.
i'm really thinking about making a private lj...and if you find it then you'll be one lucky bastard, because i wont tell anybody what it is. more posts like this will be in my other lj. this is my last sappy entry that is forced upon all you to read.
i really feel alone today. it sucks so bad its like something crawled up inside me, and ate my insides out. i hate saying this, but its almost like i didn't feel loved today. i know i'm just a weird person, and i think up things that aren't true, but sometimes i just feel like shit. and i'm most scared that old habits will come back that i swore i would never continue doing. and it sucks. it sucks big balls. everything seemed so fucking perfect when i had it; and thats when i didn't care about it or think twice about it. i thought it was just there and i expected it. and when things change, and you don't have it, you feel empty. i regret not thanking god for what i had when i had it. and now that i don't, i'm still happy, but i just wish i had what i had. i am selfish. i know i am. i want what i want and i'm not happy until everything is perfect. i've always been like that. and the people that are in my life know that as well. i almost feel sorry for them, that they have to put up with my shit, and me being a horrible person when they're not up to my standards. when i try so fucking hard to leave my old ways behind and just accept the fact that people change, i break. i can't take it. its like i want to explode and just end myself. i really can't take it when things happen that i don't know about. i really can't take it when i can't make sure the people i love are okay. i really can't take it when i want something so bad that i lose sleep for weeks because of it. but the thing i hate the most is how i'm so paranoid. i've been told that i need to calm down and not take everything so seriously. that just woke me up and made me realize how fucking stupid i am. and i can't even stop myself. i'm a fucking lame ass who can't make anybody else happy unless i'm just sucking up to them when i can't even talk because i'm scared what i'll say will make them hate me. the only person i can seriously tell how i feel is to daniel; but even some things i can't even tell him. i'm so fucking paranoid about everything i can't take it anymore its killing me. i'm so paranoid that if i think i left one of my hairclips at school or something, i'll lose sleep. i'm so paranoid that if its 1:00 in the morning, i'll get up and go downstairs just to make sure all the doors are locked, even though i'm sure i locked them before bed. i wish i could change, i really do. i've tried almost my whole life. i swear to god i am turning into my mother.
i'm really thinking about making a private lj...and if you find it then you'll be one lucky bastard, because i wont tell anybody what it is. more posts like this will be in my other lj. this is my last sappy entry that is forced upon all you to read.