Black Bird
Its another night here for me. I hope I sleep this one better than the last. I felt like I was awake like all night long. I can't sleep for some reason. Even earlier when I napped I could barely sleep. I layed there listening to Him earlier. He was kind cute... he kept talking and snoring. I dunno, its the little things you love most.
I feel so tired and I don't know.. its almost like some sort of vacancy inside I can't seem to fill. What is it I'm missing? Perhaps it's just my self esteem. Who needs that though anyway... right? Or maybe it's something else. Am I missing something from my life? Has it been gone all this time? Did I just lose it? What is "it"? Hmmm...
TH's been great with me the last couple days. I feel like I haven't talked to him much today though... probably because I haven't. It's okay. I don't mind. Especially as long as we're not fighting. It kills me so bad when we fight. Honestly we don't fight that often anymore. The other day we did. He apologized for being so harsh, but maybe I deserve it. I feel like I'm in that dark place. I told tim I've been thinking bad thoughts but that I have been really good about it. I have been thinking about cutting... alot. Its just that when you feel that low and you've cut its always going to be a thought that pops into yer head. Its a hardcore addiction like smoking. Once you've started smoking, regardless of however long you've quit - you will crave it the rest of your life. I guess it's my craving right now. My will power fights it though. Maybe I have alot more willpower than I think? The other day when we faught I was already low. Hearing I make everything worse and all these really bad things about me made me want to run to a drawer just for that sharp peice. I haven't felt it in a really long time but I kept thinking "'You're such a fuck up Jessi. You're not what he needs. You need to punished. You need to be punished...". That term "Punishing" myself isnt something that has crossed my mind in years until that day. I've been contemplating taking anti depressants. I may talk to the doctor about some when I go for my check up here in a few days. Maybe it'll help... Maybe it'll make it all worse.
Last night was insane though. I barely noticed I was sick... I was laughing and I felt happy. Maybe I just need a TH to cheer me up. He's so goofy and corny and I love that... I laughed so hard my sides hurted... I like moments like that. Can't I just keep that one... just for a lifetime? I get scared of forgetting different things... the little things. That life will get me all caught up in its fucked upness, and I'll forget what I want to hold sooo closely. Thats why you be with someone you want those moments with. So that they can show you them over and over again and you never have to worry about forgetting. They'll never let you. What if he's not there to show me anymore? That thought kinda scares me. I don't think he realized how crumbled I am inside over that thought. I never talk about it. Ever. And I never let it show. It's not something you bring up. I just don't want to have to miss the one person I can't live without. I think everything will be okay. I think I'll be okay...
The End.
I feel so tired and I don't know.. its almost like some sort of vacancy inside I can't seem to fill. What is it I'm missing? Perhaps it's just my self esteem. Who needs that though anyway... right? Or maybe it's something else. Am I missing something from my life? Has it been gone all this time? Did I just lose it? What is "it"? Hmmm...
TH's been great with me the last couple days. I feel like I haven't talked to him much today though... probably because I haven't. It's okay. I don't mind. Especially as long as we're not fighting. It kills me so bad when we fight. Honestly we don't fight that often anymore. The other day we did. He apologized for being so harsh, but maybe I deserve it. I feel like I'm in that dark place. I told tim I've been thinking bad thoughts but that I have been really good about it. I have been thinking about cutting... alot. Its just that when you feel that low and you've cut its always going to be a thought that pops into yer head. Its a hardcore addiction like smoking. Once you've started smoking, regardless of however long you've quit - you will crave it the rest of your life. I guess it's my craving right now. My will power fights it though. Maybe I have alot more willpower than I think? The other day when we faught I was already low. Hearing I make everything worse and all these really bad things about me made me want to run to a drawer just for that sharp peice. I haven't felt it in a really long time but I kept thinking "'You're such a fuck up Jessi. You're not what he needs. You need to punished. You need to be punished...". That term "Punishing" myself isnt something that has crossed my mind in years until that day. I've been contemplating taking anti depressants. I may talk to the doctor about some when I go for my check up here in a few days. Maybe it'll help... Maybe it'll make it all worse.
Last night was insane though. I barely noticed I was sick... I was laughing and I felt happy. Maybe I just need a TH to cheer me up. He's so goofy and corny and I love that... I laughed so hard my sides hurted... I like moments like that. Can't I just keep that one... just for a lifetime? I get scared of forgetting different things... the little things. That life will get me all caught up in its fucked upness, and I'll forget what I want to hold sooo closely. Thats why you be with someone you want those moments with. So that they can show you them over and over again and you never have to worry about forgetting. They'll never let you. What if he's not there to show me anymore? That thought kinda scares me. I don't think he realized how crumbled I am inside over that thought. I never talk about it. Ever. And I never let it show. It's not something you bring up. I just don't want to have to miss the one person I can't live without. I think everything will be okay. I think I'll be okay...
The End.