Doubt
Isn't it funny how something you've believed so intensly to be true for a lengthy period of time can suddenly change within moments?
Its disgusting how torn I feel. I've believed Roxanne left on her own and decided she didn't want to us all my life. But what if Dad sent her away? What if the man I've loved all my life unfairly won my love? But then again what if its true? There's great reason to doubt my Dad, but do I have fact to doubt her? Even if this is so, she hasn't been there. I don't love her now. I don't know how to love her. I don't look at her like a mother... she's just another person I've wanted to get to know. But this is my life. She's been gone my whole life. I feel like theres this huge void. Is he the reason why I feel empty? Like somethings been missing? Is it his fault I never had a Mom? Even so... I'm almost 18. It can't change. Whats done is done. It's over. But do I hate him? Do I still love him? Do I still have a family? Lets say he did send her away, the fact is she still wasnt there, and because of that she's turned into this person I strongly dislike. If she was around would I like the person she is right now? Is it possible that I may even love her? I'll never know. All I see is that I'm an orphan. The only family I have is Tim and the kids. History always repeats itself. How is it going to repeat in my life? Am I going to turn out like my parents? Or is something along the same lines going to happen again to me? Whos to know?
I called her today. I just wanted to talk to someone. She yelled at me and hung up. I cried. Isn't that stupid? For someone who claims she doesn't care... I cried. Does that mean on some level I do care? Or that I'm scared history will repeat itself? She'll leave? She'll say I'm really not good enough just like I've thought all along. Am I good enough? Am I good enough for anyone? I'm so messed up. I tried to call my Aunt/Godmother, but there was no answer... That's what I need right now. To find the answers. To know in fact, not influence, and let all of this lay to rest. I need to bury it before it buries me.
I'm hanging out with Rachelle again tomorrow. I really need it. I need to get away from all of this just for a few hours. I'm going to miss Tim though... but Tim always gets out. I can't always wait around for him and work around his schedual... maybe he needs to wait around for me and work around mine? Maybe the truth is I feel guilty when it comes to that though, because in all honestly he spent months waiting for me. Hmm... you learn something about yerself everyday now dontcha? I need a smoke.
I have another Doc's appointment this week. Stress test. Maybe he'll actually tell me whats up or if they've found anything. I'm so fuckin sick of waiting for answers. It kinda got bad last Sunday. It kinda scared me. The End.
Its disgusting how torn I feel. I've believed Roxanne left on her own and decided she didn't want to us all my life. But what if Dad sent her away? What if the man I've loved all my life unfairly won my love? But then again what if its true? There's great reason to doubt my Dad, but do I have fact to doubt her? Even if this is so, she hasn't been there. I don't love her now. I don't know how to love her. I don't look at her like a mother... she's just another person I've wanted to get to know. But this is my life. She's been gone my whole life. I feel like theres this huge void. Is he the reason why I feel empty? Like somethings been missing? Is it his fault I never had a Mom? Even so... I'm almost 18. It can't change. Whats done is done. It's over. But do I hate him? Do I still love him? Do I still have a family? Lets say he did send her away, the fact is she still wasnt there, and because of that she's turned into this person I strongly dislike. If she was around would I like the person she is right now? Is it possible that I may even love her? I'll never know. All I see is that I'm an orphan. The only family I have is Tim and the kids. History always repeats itself. How is it going to repeat in my life? Am I going to turn out like my parents? Or is something along the same lines going to happen again to me? Whos to know?
I called her today. I just wanted to talk to someone. She yelled at me and hung up. I cried. Isn't that stupid? For someone who claims she doesn't care... I cried. Does that mean on some level I do care? Or that I'm scared history will repeat itself? She'll leave? She'll say I'm really not good enough just like I've thought all along. Am I good enough? Am I good enough for anyone? I'm so messed up. I tried to call my Aunt/Godmother, but there was no answer... That's what I need right now. To find the answers. To know in fact, not influence, and let all of this lay to rest. I need to bury it before it buries me.
I'm hanging out with Rachelle again tomorrow. I really need it. I need to get away from all of this just for a few hours. I'm going to miss Tim though... but Tim always gets out. I can't always wait around for him and work around his schedual... maybe he needs to wait around for me and work around mine? Maybe the truth is I feel guilty when it comes to that though, because in all honestly he spent months waiting for me. Hmm... you learn something about yerself everyday now dontcha? I need a smoke.
I have another Doc's appointment this week. Stress test. Maybe he'll actually tell me whats up or if they've found anything. I'm so fuckin sick of waiting for answers. It kinda got bad last Sunday. It kinda scared me. The End.