Sunday
Its crazy insane to be updating right now since I haven't in a while.
Yes i'm still around...
Trying to make sense of stuff right now...
Trying to hold myself together.
No one gets the pain I feel.
Not me... not you...
But I do know a recognizable amount is there.
Stephs probably going to hate me for life.
I keep trying to convince myself its okay for having these feelings for her...
But friends don't belittle friends...
Was she ever one?
Could she ever learn to be one?
She expects the world to cry for her when she cries...
She expects pitty in petty things.
I still care though...
Maybe thats why I stuck around...
Maybe she made me feel needed?
Now she makes me feel nothing but hurt.
Shes no friend.
She thinks I hurt her...
Ruined the "best thing to ever happen" to her.
I was confused....
I would never hurt her intentionally...
Shes like family to me...
She hurt me though...
She doesn't care if I hurt...
So why do I still care if she does?
Tims upset with me.
He yelled at me for caring about what Steph thinks of me.
I can't help I feel...
He taught me to feel...
He taught me it was okay...
He taught me to cry when I didnt know how.
He taught me it was okay....
He made me realize my human nature.
Its flawed perhaps.
Learn to use it at the right times maybe...
Learn to use your heart at the right time.
How do you know when that time is?
He's still upset.
He's still going to be upset.
We slept alone last night.
He's probably going to resent me for it.
He's going to avoid me...
Why can't he understand I need him?
He hurts when I hurt...
Yet he gets mad at me for hurting.
I can't help it right now...
The other night he did the entire right thing.
I was so proud of him.
Why couldn't he be that same person last night,
When I needed him all the same?
He made me feel like I've never felt before.
He made me feel like we were the only two people breathing.
It was only our hearts that beat,
And the echo of it could be heard from all around.
We felt it.
It blanketed us in an undescribable warmth.
He made me feel gorgeous.
Made me safe.
I've never felt so safe.
Sheltered and loved.
I still love him.
He'll still resent me.
It's probably inevitable.
I know why he hurt....
I'm srorry I am the way that I am.
But he knew who I was when he decided to want me.
Sometimes I hate myself for being me.
I wish I could erase those dark corners of my being he can't stand.
The parts I can't stand.
But doesn't that help make the person he feels he loves?
Do you still love me?
He told me once he didn't love me less because of it.
But I feel like I disgust him.
I disgust myself.
I'm sorry...
Its Sunday.
The clock ticks.
Perhaps it counts down.
I've dreaded this day.
Its been on my mind for a week.
Maybe that horrible feeling I had about today has already passed.
I hope it has.
Something still lingers in my mind though.
I don't understand it.
I can't explain it.
I feel it.
Feelings... the thing I should avoid.
My feelings are usually right though...
I hate that.
People think I like being right...
But this is not entirely true.
Theres a time when it makes me happy,
But there is also a time it makes me uneasy.
Ahh there it is!
The balance.
The good and the bad.
The balance.
You must think I'm crazy.
Well guess what?
I am.
Yes i'm still around...
Trying to make sense of stuff right now...
Trying to hold myself together.
No one gets the pain I feel.
Not me... not you...
But I do know a recognizable amount is there.
Stephs probably going to hate me for life.
I keep trying to convince myself its okay for having these feelings for her...
But friends don't belittle friends...
Was she ever one?
Could she ever learn to be one?
She expects the world to cry for her when she cries...
She expects pitty in petty things.
I still care though...
Maybe thats why I stuck around...
Maybe she made me feel needed?
Now she makes me feel nothing but hurt.
Shes no friend.
She thinks I hurt her...
Ruined the "best thing to ever happen" to her.
I was confused....
I would never hurt her intentionally...
Shes like family to me...
She hurt me though...
She doesn't care if I hurt...
So why do I still care if she does?
Tims upset with me.
He yelled at me for caring about what Steph thinks of me.
I can't help I feel...
He taught me to feel...
He taught me it was okay...
He taught me to cry when I didnt know how.
He taught me it was okay....
He made me realize my human nature.
Its flawed perhaps.
Learn to use it at the right times maybe...
Learn to use your heart at the right time.
How do you know when that time is?
He's still upset.
He's still going to be upset.
We slept alone last night.
He's probably going to resent me for it.
He's going to avoid me...
Why can't he understand I need him?
He hurts when I hurt...
Yet he gets mad at me for hurting.
I can't help it right now...
The other night he did the entire right thing.
I was so proud of him.
Why couldn't he be that same person last night,
When I needed him all the same?
He made me feel like I've never felt before.
He made me feel like we were the only two people breathing.
It was only our hearts that beat,
And the echo of it could be heard from all around.
We felt it.
It blanketed us in an undescribable warmth.
He made me feel gorgeous.
Made me safe.
I've never felt so safe.
Sheltered and loved.
I still love him.
He'll still resent me.
It's probably inevitable.
I know why he hurt....
I'm srorry I am the way that I am.
But he knew who I was when he decided to want me.
Sometimes I hate myself for being me.
I wish I could erase those dark corners of my being he can't stand.
The parts I can't stand.
But doesn't that help make the person he feels he loves?
Do you still love me?
He told me once he didn't love me less because of it.
But I feel like I disgust him.
I disgust myself.
I'm sorry...
Its Sunday.
The clock ticks.
Perhaps it counts down.
I've dreaded this day.
Its been on my mind for a week.
Maybe that horrible feeling I had about today has already passed.
I hope it has.
Something still lingers in my mind though.
I don't understand it.
I can't explain it.
I feel it.
Feelings... the thing I should avoid.
My feelings are usually right though...
I hate that.
People think I like being right...
But this is not entirely true.
Theres a time when it makes me happy,
But there is also a time it makes me uneasy.
Ahh there it is!
The balance.
The good and the bad.
The balance.
You must think I'm crazy.
Well guess what?
I am.